It's Never Over
by Trial of Ash
Summary: A love that could never be, but he will keep pushing untill everything crushes down. Kurofai incest. Second set of time stamp/drabbles, Fay's POV.
1. Chapter 1

**I apologize for updating this fic in such small bits...but I guess it's better then no updates at all...please do not scream at me...and thank you for those wonderful reviews!**

**Author's notes:**

**I did some minor editing that I had previously overlooked…**

**WARNING! (ONLY FOR READERS ABOVE 18 OF AGE) This short story contains offensive materials. It explores the taboo incestuous relationship between siblings, and has very dark themes. Please do not read if you are uncomfortable with such issues. :**

**Summery: ****A love that could never be…but he will keep pushing until everything crash.**

_Quiet transition_

_Defining moment_

_Rapture in our eyes_

_Desire's path that leads_

_Our footsteps it calls_

_And lost a guiding hand_

_The pull and push_

_Run and stop_

_I follow you fall_

_You want I refuse_

_Molding against_

_Your intrinsic form_

_To join in ecstasy_

_Only to experience_

_A separation of pain_

_- Trial of Ash_

_I dreamt while awake dreaming of you and dreams of you I will still have, even unto death I go…– Trial of Ash _

**It's Never Over**

Lust.

That word should be so forbidden and definitely not to be linked with a man he calls brother. But the man with red eyes and sun bronzed skin was all he could think of day and night, in and out.

He knows he is sick and he needs help.

He doesn't want it.

It feels good. It felt even better when he is touching himself with the thoughts of _his_ hands on him. Fay smiled obdurately, he could not even muster the shame he should be feeling while harboring such iniquitous thoughts. How did he become so depraved? He is debased and worse than the animals in the wild where sexual activities are indeterminate in their world. He was so cursed with this affliction that he could not even think of falling in love with anyone else. Every time when sex occurs no matter who it is with, their faces, voices and the heat of their body will never be that of their own.

It will be always _him_.

It could only be _him_.

Why is it so hard to think of _him_ only as his brother? He will never have to endure such unhappiness if he could keep his feelings under wraps, and feel only kinship instead of always being needy of skinship. It was a torture to keep dissociated with the wants of his body but everytime when he is aroused, the truth would hit him with sparkling clarity. His want for _him_ will never abate, no matter how much he satiates himself in whichever ways, or, with how many people.

The attempts of sublimation towards his desires are an utter failure, the intuitive attraction of a blood tie had been completely twisted by his psyche, and he realized a long time ago that this demon within him is not one he is keen to fight against…

ooooooooo

Kurogane shifted his bottom on the cold cement floor and tsked aloud irritably. His brother had better get his ass home right this minute because he is sure he will freeze to a premature death if he sat here any longer. He cussed inwardly to himself because he would never be here if not for mother's prodding. He is sure that at an age of twenty – two, the skinny ass bastard could take care of himself well enough.

But on the other hand, it is also true that Fay hadn't been looking his finest ever since he moved out of the family home.

When had everything changed? They used to do everything and anything together. There used to be a time when Fay would look at him with utter adoration and admiration when he helped solved one of his problems, caused mostly by the insignificant insecurities of a small child. But as they grew older, subtle changes took place. He does not really know what it was, but friendly competition soon turned into bitter rivalry and then a full blown war that had both brothers at each others' throat. What was it were they fighting about again? Ahh…yes, chicks. He snorted as the memory of Fay hitting on his last girlfriend came to mind. He does not understand why fucking blondie had gone after every girl that he had dated only to tell him in the end that he was gay. What the hell was he thinking?

He turned his head around sharply as he heard the tumbling of a glass bottle and then a crush of metal tins before a familiar voice started cursing loudly, words slurred and sentences incomplete.

The dimwitted fairy was finally home.

oooooooooo

Fay squint his eyes and peered ahead into the darkness, wondering why the streetlamp was not working again before he realized that he had stupidly left his sunglasses on. He laughed and reached up to peel it off his face. It felt like it was stuck there, the sides clinging to his temples with cold clammy sweat. He wrapped his hand around the frame, took it off and threw it hard on the ground, forgetting that it is his favorite pair of Gucci in his drunkenness. _There, discomfort say bye-bye_, he thought, laughing again at how senseless that phrase sounds in his head.

He straightens himself as he reached into his bag, digging around trying to find the bunch of keys he had dumped inside before he left for work. In his fumbling, he failed to see the pile of rubbish bins infront of him. He crashed into them, a clumsy flailing of limbs and some very loud curses later, he was pulled out by a pair of strong hands, the familiar warmth singing his skin. Those hands and arms, they used to hug him with love, though it wasn't the kind of love that he sought for.

"You're pathetic." Kurogane said as he promptly let go of his brother when he thought he was able to stand properly again. The blonde tittered a little before stabilizing himself by clutching on to a muscular and well defined forearm.

"Am not…just out having fun…" Fay slurred his reply.

"Tell me if it's still fun when you wake with a hangover tomorrow morning?" Kurogane reprimanded without any real heat in his words, giving his brother a once over as well and frowning with minute disapproval at the clothes he was wearing. The too tight shirt that showed too much of his slender waist, and, the well sanded pair of vintage jeans that hung way too low on his hips, made Kurogane wondered if the tiny jacket draped over Fay's shoulder would provide any help in keeping the cold away. He could feel the tiny tremors of shivers from his brother's hand, presumably caused by the cold night air.

"Wat do ya care? Get lost!" Fay slurred again and leaned in toward Kurogane, catching the clean scent of aftershave, the familiar woody and spicy scent of Angel Schlesser Essential, his brother's favorite. He breathed in deep, brushing his forehead against the day old stubble on his Kurogane's chin, before he caught himself in the middle of the act and started to pull away.

"Mum asked me to check on you. Call her. She misses you." Kurogane said as he attempted to support his brother and take off his jacket as well.

"I'll…go away now…" Fay slurred some more as he shoved angrily at his brother, annoyed by the fact that Kurogane did not come of his own accord. But the strength of his shove unbalances him instead on his swaying feet and he found himself toppling over, landing hard on the granite tar ground on his behind, "ouch…" Fay mumbled dully as he let himself fall flat on his back, the world was spinning too fast and he didn't think he wants to get up anymore.

Kurogane sighed heavily and bent down to retrieve his brother's belongings which were strewn all over the place. He breathed out as he stood over his brother, looking at the stone drunk figure sprawled out in a undignified position in the middle of the road, and bent down to scoop him up in his arms.

"Pathetic." He mumbled to himself as he shook his head gently from side to side at his brother's antics, which strongly reminded him of an adolescent's behavior.

oooooooooo

Kurogane laid Fay on the bed cramped with dirty laundry gently before divesting the blonde of his clothes, and getting a wash cloth soaked with warm water to clean up his body. His brother reeked of smoke, alcohol and some other greasy smells he could not identify. He rubbed the wet cloth through fine flaxen hair, hoping that it would at least wipe off the odors a little. He noticed that Fay's hair was no longer as fine as it used to be, it was a little dry now from all the dying he has done. He never understands Fay's blonde obsession, but he had to agree that blonde hair does look better with blue eyes. He proceeded to clean up his face and body wiping off the remnants of cold sticky sweat, noting with dismay just exactly how skinny his brother has grown. He shifted, a tad uncomfortable at the sight of protruding hipbones and sharp points of shoulder blades. He felt an unexplainable guilt creep up to him and he knows that mom wouldn't like this at all.

"What have you been doing to yourself, baby brother?" Kurogane whispered as he brushed the soft strands of hair that fallen onto Fay's face away, Fay nuzzled into his palm easily, just like how he used to. Kurogane smiled and wondered if this is the kind of moments that he will get a glimpse of the brother he once knew.

He misses Fay so much. Their home had seemed so empty ever since the blonde moved away. Mom was upset of course but she is never the kind to clip the wings of her children. Dad reacted somehow differently, despite his anger he could also see relief etched into the deep lines of father's face. He could understand why dad was angry, but, relief? Although Fay had announced that he wanted to move out, he felt that he was the one who had driven Fay away, given his reaction when he was told in the face by the blonde himself that he was gay. But he meant nothing of what he had said that day. He was only hurt by the fact that Fay did not trust him enough to let him in on his life. He will never judge his brother like how others did, including his parents, especially dad.

"Kuro…" Fay murmured as his head tilted gently to the other side of the bed facing the wall, "Kuro..." Fay murmured again and shivered slightly.

Kurogane smile softly, pulled the blanket pooling at the foot of the bed and tucked it around his brother, watching the now peaceful features in sleep.

"I love you…Kuro…"

Kurogane still at those words, pursing his lips and frowning before his face broke into another gentle smile. He has not had an opportunity to apologize yet, but from those words, he surmised that baby brother does not hold much against him at all.

"I love you too, baby brother…" Kurogane said as he climbed onto the bed and curled up by behind Fay, falling into an easy slumber not too soon after.

oooooooooo

Fay woke up to a delicious warmth behind him. He knotted his brows perplexed and tried hard to remember if he had brought anyone back with him. But it didn't work because his head was thundering and pulsing with pain, and his mouth felt like it was stuffed full of cotton buds, and everything in his room looked too vivid at the moment. Oh, yes…a hangover…he groaned as he remembered that he was out of aspirins and painkillers.

"Hey…you…get out…" Fay mumbled as he nudged at the sleeping figure behind him with his elbows.

"Hey yourself...I took care of you last night, is this how you would repay me?' Kurogane teased as he sat up on the bed. He had woken up half an hour before baby brother did and would have left, but the temptation to see how Fay would be when waking up from such a bad night was too amusing to refuse. So he laid there on his side of the bed against the wall and waited patiently for Fay to wake up. The skinny figure tossed and turned restlessly even in deep sleep. Kurogane stretched out with his toes and rubbed his feet against his brother's calves, feeling the chill dissipate from his warmth. He noted absently that he should really get this apartment a warmer.

Fay shot up, scrambling out of bed as fast as he could, headache and what else completely forgotten when he heard that familiar velvety deep voice and the feel of his brother's feet against his skin.

"Fuck! What are you doing here?" Fay exclaimed loudly as he grabbed at the garment laying on the floor not bothering with how bad it actually smells and pulled it over his head, glad that he still had his briefs on and that he wasn't sporting morning wood.

"I prefer you drunk and out." Kurogane replied petulantly deliberately ignoring his brother's unreasonable behavior, unaware of exactly just how on edge he makes Fay feels everytime he is near, "you really aren't a morning person."

Fay stood and watched his brother throw the covers aside and swung his feet to the ground, almost naked saved for a pair of jeans that was hanging loose around his hips, rising with the innate grace of a feline from the bed, stretching his arms above his head yawning loudly at the same time. Fay swallowed hard at the vision of well defined muscles rippling beneath tanned skin at the movement. Such rare masculine beauty…so near but never his to touch and admire…

Kurogane arched an eyebrow as he caught his brother's admiring look, and flexed his biceps for the fun of it.

"Envious?" he asked as he sauntered past Fay in the tiny bedroom and headed for the washroom.

The bed warmed skin grazing past Fay's body in an innocently teasing manner had Fay biting his lips just to stay in control of his body's reaction. Fay immediately made a face in response to cover up for his slip, glad that Kurogane had not noticed anything amiss.

"Better clean yourself…you stink like hell." Kurogane muttered before turning into the bathroom.

The comment prompted Fay to sniff at himself and he vaguely remembered getting drunk at the club, then there was this annoying wimpy bastard who was trying to get under his pants and then he was walking home…did he fell at some point? He glanced at his knees and got his affirmation with the slight bruises showing.

"You carried me home?" he asked knowing how obvious that was with his brother in his bathroom as he walked out and sat on the corner of the armrest of the sofa, that position offered him a view into the bathroom. He continued to admire his brother's body knowing that his brother will not be able to tell what he was looking at from the mirror.

"Mmhumm…" came the muffled reply as Kurogane brushed his teeth.

Fay cringed inwardly and wondered if he had said anything incriminating during his bout of drunkenness, not that he was prone to shouting out his secrets when he was drunk but he can never be too careful. But from the way Kurogane was acting this morning, he didn't think he had let slipped anything.

"Could you not use my toothbrush? It's unhygienic." He grumbled.

"Ha! Says the guy who lives in a rubbish dump." Kurogane retorted playfully after he had rinsed his mouth, "and it's not as if there are extras lying around." He continued after rinsing out his month. He grabbed at the face towel hanging from the towel rack and turned to look at Fay with a 'don't mind me look' as he dangled the towel between his fingers before drying his face with it.

"Sorry, can't stay to talk. I need to rush…I'm late and Tomoyo's gonna burst." Kurogane continued as he walked back to the bed and retrieved the tee-shirt he was wearing yesterday, gave it a sniff and pulled it over his head.

Fay followed his brother into the bedroom and stood against the door of the cupboard, watching him prepare to leave and wondered why he would be so foolish as to wake Kurogane up so soon. It is such a rare occasion that they haven't started arguing yet. But then, most of the anger had disappeared after such long absences from each other's life. Actually he hadn't been that mad with Kurogane at all, even if the words he said hurt. But Fay knows that was a natural reaction caused by his 'surprise'.

"Hey…" Kurogane said as he stepped up to Fay and bent down a bit to look him better in the eyes, blues eyes so different from his own red ones. He used to think they were ugly when he was younger, until Mother had explained that it was a pigmentation disorder that caused his eyes to turn into such a unique shade. Still, he hadn't really accepted it till _some_ chicks mentioned that it made him look intense and mysterious, "remember to give mum a call alright, and clean up this place for the love of god." he smiled good-naturally and patted Fay on the back before stepping out of the apartment.

Fay slide down against the door and cradled his face in the palm of his hands, and took a deep breath to clear his head.

For a moment, he wished that pair of eyes had been looking at him in a different way.

oooooooooo

Tomoyo waited for her boyfriend's explanation regarding his disappearance last night. She guessed as much on what might be going on. Miyaki had mentioned that she had sent her eldest son to his brother's place to send her regards, since Fay refused to pick up her calls again. The rest of the dancers brushed by them discreetly an quietly, not wanting to be involved in their domestic bickering.

"…"

"He got drunk last night and I stayed over to look after him." Kurogane said as he pulled up his tights and loose cotton shorts followed by an oversized white tank top. He dreads this kind of conversations because Tomoyo never did approved of his brother, seeing him as nothing better then an idler without ambitions or a drive for life.

She doesn't know him at all.

Tomoyo crossed her arms and tilted her upper body to peek past the curtains of the stage, watching the rest of the dancers stretch and attempt the maneuvers of some of the more difficult parts of the choreography. She tipped back again and reached out to finger a piece of lint on her boyfriend's head.

"I hate to tell you this but you should have realized by now that your brother has issues." She replied keeping her tone casual. She knows how much Kurogane hates it when people refer to his brother in anyway that sounds negative or offending. Still she noticed he couldn't keep himself from getting defensive.

"What…because he's gay?"

"Honey, that's not what I meant." She said gently trying to rein in her own temper. Despite the somewhat tumultuous relationship between the brothers, they stood firm in their loyalties to each other. She was clear on where Fay stands in her boyfriend's heart.

"Yeah...sorry." Kurogane said apologetically when he realized he was getting angry, "I know. I think he just needs some time…he doesn't really know what he wants in life yet."

Fay was living a lifestyle which tried very hard to show his independent, but if put into more accurate terms, one might say that he was putting on a farce, a paradox of solitude. Not to mention that he has a disturbing tendency to lash out at himself, since he was constantly in a self flagellation frame of mind.

_Excuses_, Tomoyo thought, _He's always making excuses for him._

"He's offered a scholarship from Courtauld Institute in London! Courtauld! And he threw it all away…for what…those boys he fucked with? Why don't you tell me what he wants?"

Kurogane flinched visibly when he heard those words. He doesn't have any problems with his brother being gay but it was an entirely different thing to be reminded that he does sleep with other men. Somehow, the thought of someone else running their hands over Fay's skin sickens him greatly. He knows none of those men saw what his brother is. They were only in love with the shell and the pleasure of the flash of which his brother can provide but they weren't in love with him. He doubts there will be anyone who could truly see what his brother is or, who would be able to love him the way he…

No…it was not his business what his brother did with his private sex life. That was not within a brother's boundary to be concern about. He looked at Tomoyo, sure that his face was showing his displeasure at the way this conversation was going. He tried to think that she was just concern for him but the flippant way in which she said _'those boys he fucked with' _got to him.

In a really bad way.

"Tomoyo, if you got to know him personally you would have never said that, that was an unfair statement. Very unfair."

Tomoyo's eyes shifted as she recognized the anger simmering under the calmness he was showing to her, knowing it was time for a conversation change because she was sure they were going to dive straight into a screaming match. Tomoyo took a deep breathe to calm herself down and nodded her head, she had no wish to air their private matters infront of the students.

"So is dinner still on tonight?"

"I'll see…" Kurogane replied as he ducked out from under the steel extensions of the fake stage and stalked towards the students, who were sitting outside waiting patiently for them to pick up where they left off the last lesson.

He didn't go to dinner with Tomoyo because he had no wish for a replay of their unpleasant conversation again, not for today at least. He had bought take away instead and was now outside his brother's dinghy apartment waiting for him to come home. At least he didn't have to wait as long as he did the last time.

Fay trotted up the staircase at exactly at eight fifty-five pm with a stranger, presumable a new boyfriend. He glared at the stranger, the man with white highlights on his head glared back. He didn't know why but he just dislikes the way that punk looks, what with his beady eyes and sloppy dress sense.

"Why are you here again?" Fay asked as he disengaged from Dean's arm, hoping his voice did not give away the surprise he was feeling within.

"I'm your brother, I can be here anytime I like." Kurogane replied with a steely edge lacing his voice, "infact, I will come every night just to make sure you don't mix with the wrong company."

"He's a good friend of mine…"

Dean narrowed his eyes at Kurogane and turned to Fay.

"I'd be going first, see you at the club first thing tomorrow evening right?" Dean said as he gave Fay a chaste peck on the lips and waved goodbye with two fingers without turning back.

"_A_ _Friend_?" Kurogane said as he continued staring at the retreating back of Dean.

Fay snorted and pushed his brother aside so that he could unlock the door.

"Did mum ask you to come again?" Fay asked cautiously as he attempted a side way glance at his brother.

"I just wanted to bring you something. You look too ill for my liking." Kurogane replied as he let his free hand poke at Fay's waist and watched with amusement as he squirmed under the touch. It's always good to know some things never change.

"Oh…so you suddenly decided that you want to see your brother again?" Fay said voice full of sarcasm. But he was cheered irrepressibly within by the fact that his brother had came because he thought of him.

"Touché," Kurogane said in jest ignoring the jibe from his brother, "fine, I own you an apology for what I said that day. I'm very sorry and I didn't mean them."

"I wasn't that angry with you in the first place," Fay said as he peered into the paper bag his brother was holding in the cradle of his arms, the smell was making him salivate, "what did you get?"

"I've got some pasta, fish, dessert and some wine from your favorite restaurant, how does that sound for you?" Kurogane replied with a large grin.

"What's the occasion?" Fay asked with a frown wondering if he had forgotten any important dates.

"Can't I be happy that we having dinner together, and could you please let me in because it freezing out here?" Kurogane rushed as he pointed at the smoky breathes coming out of his mouth as he spoke.

Fay laughed as he swung the door opened and ushered his brother in.

"I see you clean up the place pretty well. Remarkable." Kurogane praised as he turned left and right to scrutinize the place.

"Well, I wouldn't want you to be nagging at me all the time." Fay said with a little pride visible in the manner of his answer as he took over the bag of food from his brother, placed it on the dining table before getting the dishes and cutleries from the tiny kitchen.

"I'm glad that we're talking again…I missed you a lot. We've missed you."

"It's only a couple of months, Kuro." Fay answered coolly desperately trying to quell the fluttering in his heart when he heard his brother say that he missed him.

Kurogane smiled and nodded his head.

"So it is."

oooooooooo

The brothers giggled and howled as the comedy played out on the television screen, their half-eaten dinner lying beside them on the floor, forgotten as they immersed themselves into the show. They were still wiping tears from their eyes when it ended.

"I haven't laughed so hard for a while." Kurogane said as he stood up to remove the dishes from the floor.

Fay smiled in reply and nodded his agreement too.

"It's a late don't you have to go?"

"Nah…I'm staying over tonight."

Fay stiffens as the thought of sharing the same bed with his brother made him feel uncomfortably hot.

"My bed's a rather tight squeeze…" Fay said haltingly.

Kurogane threw him a quizzical look.

"I slept well the other night." He said as he proceeded to divest himself of his tank top and jeans.

Fay looked away quickly and went to his bedroom to rummage for clothing that was big enough to suit him. He found a pair of shorts and tee shirt that a go-go boy, who was about the same build as Kurogane, had left behind. He threw it to Kurogane just as he walked into the bedroom; he muttered his thanks as he headed to the bathroom for a shower. By the time Kurogane came out of the bathroom, Fay was already curled up on one side of the bed, seemingly appearing to be asleep.

Kurogane went forward and nudged his brother.

"Hey…hey…"

"I'm not asleep." Fay deadpanned.

"Oh, that's great…then move over, I won't fit into that tiny space." Kurogane said pointedly as he looked at the less then ten inches of bed space his brother had so _generously_ carved out for him.

"Don't you know how to take a hint?" Fay said as he pretended to look irritated, when all the while he was fervently praying for his brother to opt for the dingy sofa outside instead. He got more desperate when he saw that Kurogane was not wearing the tee shirt at all. He had forgotten in his nervousness that his brother always sleeps topless.

"Take it as payment to me for the dinner then…baby brother." Kurogane threw back as he bent and shove Fay roughly across the other side of the bed.

Fay couldn't stop the bubbling mass of laughter from bursting out at Kurogane's reaction, he slapped at his brother's arms in mock franticness still giggling at the same time.

"Did anyone tell you that fight like a woman?" Kurogane mocked even though he did feel the sting of those slaps. No matter how petite, baby brother is still a grown man after all.

"Well…Kuro-pii" Fay said as he deliberately let one of his wrists fall limp, and tuned his voice up an octave or so, "a proper queen would never raise his fists crudely without justifiable reasons." He continued with a mischievious wink of his sapphire eyes, and a very lady like swipe at the strands of hair that had fallen into his face.

Kurogane snorted and huffed as he shook his head and laid himself into a comfortable position on the bed but not before snatching an extra pillow from his brother, earning himself a very annoyed glare from Fay.

"I haven't heard you call me that for a long time now." He said.

"Yeah…you used to hate them…" Fay replied and Kurogane could hear the smile in his voice even though he wasn't looking at him.

"What were those names again?"

"You sure you wanna be reminded of them?" Fay asked in disbelief. He still remembered how mad Kurogane would get whenever he called him those silly mutations of his name. He laughed suddenly as a raging Kurogane with his kendo sword chasing after him around the house, popped up into his mind. He was so sure that his life would end that day. They would have continued the 'game' if not for their mother, who was screaming at the both of them when she discovered her favorite vase was smashed into smithereens on the living room floor.

"Not really…but it did remind me of happier times."

"Mmhumm…"

They left a long pause in between and Fay was about to dozed off to sleep when suddenly Kurogane spoke up.

"Why did you do that?"

Fay thought for a moment and frown wondering what could his brother be asking about.

"What?"

"Why did you hit on my girlfriends when you don't even like girls in the first place?"

Fay thought for a while trying to decide on the best way to answer the question, then he thought honesty might be the best way, just to figure out how his brother would react.

"I was jealous, insanely jealous. Everytime you got a girlfriend, they'll be all over you and you never had time for me when they were around."

"Is that it?" Kurogane asked and Fay tried not to let his disappointment get to him.

"Yeah."

Kurogane chuckled softly as he rubbed his knuckles into Fay's head.

"You don't have to because no matter what happens, you'll always be my baby brother. Alright?" Kurogane smiled and grinned, his pearly white teeth a strange silhouette against the dimness of the room.

"K…goodnight then" Fay replied and he watched his brother curled onto the other side to sleep more comfortably.

He kept awake watching his brother's back rise and fall as he breathed. When he was sure Kurogane's breath had even out and was fast asleep, he let his guard down. Fay raised a hesitant index and placed it gently against the spine of Kurogane, tracing the middle of that broad back ever so softly, feeling his impulsive heart beating with a hopeless kind of hope, feeling the curves and putting them into remembrance before withdrawing and shifting further away. Fay shut his eyes tightly. He was sure it was going to be a long restless night for him tonight.

Behind him, Kurogane's eyes were open as he stared into the darkness trying hard not to think about why his brother had caressed him like that, and why was that searing feeling still there long after Fay's fingers had disappeared.

oooooooooo

As it is, Fay realized he would be seeing his brother much more often than he would have expected. Kurogane soon settled into a comfortable routine, dropping by often at his place after rehearses or classes, stating that it was more convenient for him since his home was so close to the dance theatre. It got so frequent that Fay foolishly began to wonder if there were any problems cropping up with his latest girlfriend, Tomoyo, but Kurogane had assured him that it was not the case. He just wanted to catch up with him after the few months of absence. Fay just left it at that, unconcerned about anything as long as he got to see his brother again.

Tonight was no different when he came home from the club to find his brother waiting for him again, with his girlfriend in tow. He fidgeted as the three of them stood by the doorway. Kurogane anxious to see if Tomoyo had forgiven his brother for trying to hit on her, Fay was wondering what was her business to be here and Tomoyo had actually knew this whole thing was going to be this awkward.

"I just came by to say hi…I mean Kurogane said that you were doing pretty fine nowadays…"

"Yeah, I am…thanks for the concern."

"Aren't you going to invite us in?" Kurogane prompted, irked by his brother's constant lack of _visitor_s etiquette.

"Sorry…I'm always forgetting my manners."

"You don't say." Kurogane retorted as Fay shot him a '_don't start with me' _look.

Tomoyo smiled despite herself as she saw the easy interaction between the brothers. It was hard to maintain on friendly terms with siblings, which was something she never did managed with her own and somewhere deep inside her, it also sparked a certain amount of enviousness and jealousy.

Fay stepped aside as he let the couple into his humble abode first, though he really wished that Tomoyo would find some excuse to get lost so he could have his brother to himself. He sighed loudly when he caught himself having such inappropriate thoughts about his brother yet again…

"What's wrong?" Kurogane turned to ask.

"Erm…nothing, I was worrying if she's ok with the mess. I didn't exactly have the time to clean up."

"Sorry for the surprise."

"Don't be. It's not too much of one for me." Fay replied as he focused his eyes on Tomoyo, who like every other woman he knew, was already starting to snoop around the limited space of the apartment

Kurogane rolled his eyes and threw his head back a little.

"I thought you like her from the way you were treating her the last time you've met her." Kurogane queried with a curious smile.

"Play pretend?" Fay said with raised eyebrows and an overtly innocent smile.

"Pfft!"

All in all, the evening ended up fine with the three of them having pieces of light conversations and Tomoyo laughing with the enlightening anecdotes of her boyfriend's illustrious childhood. She had not expected her boyfriend to be such a prude when he was younger because he definitely wasn't now. She wondered briefly if it was because of Fay. They were such complete opposites, more different then day and night,

While Kurogane gave one the impression that he was of a silent, brooding, dark and mysterious nature, his real personality couldn't be further from that image. He was the elder brother with the sunny and playful disposition. And while Fay gave the impression of a bubbly and easygoing persona, his real self was much darker in reality. And Tomoyo thought that those bright blues eyes that always looked so guarded, seems to hold a plethora of secrets that the world was just itching to know.

Fay watched as Kurogane and Tomoyo kissed goodbye at the front door, it was a sight that made him extremely queasy but for some reasons he couldn't pull his eyes away. He wondered how it would feel like if it was him who was being held by those arms and being kissed right now. He felt the familiar tightening in his chest and realized that no matter how much his brother wished it to be, he could never give them his blessings and no matter how he or Tomoyo tried, they can never really be friends.

His narrow heart which was so deeply entrenched with love for his brother would never allow that.

Like a specter out of the past, he suddenly remembered the younger him who used to look on in secret behind hidden doors when his brother brings any of his girlfriends around. He remembers too the first time he saw someone French kissing, the way his brother enjoyed the girl in his arms and the sensual way their lips moved around each other's. How the sight of it turned his stomach and made him want to heave, and all of a sudden he found himself hating that girl for no reason. Primarily it was also because he couldn't understand why his brother should be so affectionate with someone else.

It was around that period that he found out exactly why and what had caused that strange curdling feeling when those strangers' lips touched his brother's. He realized he didn't want anyone to be kissing him…anyone else but him. As more memories materialized, he was reminded and more of that fruitless love he held for his brother. Irritated, he stepped back into the apartment closing the door with a loud slam, not bothering about how it would look like to Tomoyo and Kurogane.

The love birds were shocked into breaking the kiss when the door slammed. Tomoyo gave Kurogane an exasperated look and he shrugged and shook his head.

"I don't think I can ever understand him." Tomoyo said in a tone somewhat similar to resignation.

"It's not for you to worry anyway, go home and give me a call later ok?" Kurogane replied with a casual shrug of his shoulders as he pushed her in the butt in the direction of the staircase.

Tomoyo laughed as she waved goodbye and disappeared down the stairwell.

"What's wrong again baby brother?" he sighed as he opened the door.

Fay greeted him with a cold stare on the sofa. His helplessness in the situation with his brother fueling this blind anger he was feeling right now. He felt he had to hurt someone, to vent that frustration out. He knew he should have stopped Kurogane from coming back into his life then, he had been doing so well before he came back full of apologies and trying to make the relationship better once again. He doesn't want it. He didn't need the confusion or the constant ache that torments him every moment he was near Kurogane.

"Why are always coming here?" he asked immediately when Kurogane poked his head into the door. His tone carried with it the aggravation of a heart's disappointment.

Kurogane caught the tone but since he has no clue as to what might be bothering Fay, he did not place much concern towards it.

"I'm not in your way and besides I told you that I wanted to make up for what I said to you the last time."

"I'm not a kid anymore…I'm twenty-two years old and I can very well take care of myself." Fay leaned back onto the sofa and crossed his arms infront of him, the gesture seemingly a reinforcement of his need to guard himself.

"Take care of yourself…? Look at you, you're barely eating right and your friends, that is if they can be called friends, and your job keeps you practically on a diet of alcohol and cigarettes. Do you call that taking care of yourself?' Kurogane answered getting a bit flustered over the fact that he had no idea what this was about in the first place.

"Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough? I can take care of myself, which part of that sentence do you not understand!" Fay said almost yelling by now and his features were pulled tight together trying to hold himself back from erupting.

Kurogane was thoroughly agitated too by now.

"You think I like it? I can't choose who I have as a brother!" He yelled back before catching himself too late. The scathing and tactless words were out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Fay's eyes widen in shock and anger.

"Is that it then…huh?" Fay asked, his voice getting higher by the minute, "You can't choose who you have as a brother? Why are you such a hypocrite! Why the hell do you still come here every day acting like you are some kind of…you know what? I don't need this from you! I don't need this at all?" Fay was almost shouting by now as he grabbed his brother's jacket and threw it deliberately hard in his face and tried to shove his hulking frame out of his door at the same time.

"Come on…I'm sorry? We were just having a great time, where did all this anger come from?" Kurogane exclaimed as he put his heels down and stood in his place stubbornly, not wanting to leave until he found out what the hell had triggered his brother's temper.

Fay drew back then, pissed and a little miffed that he couldn't get his brother to budge even an inch out the door.

"You really don't know what you do to me, do you?" Fay shouted tears streaming down his face by now as he turned and stomped back into his bedroom, slamming the door shut again.

Kurogane slapped his palms on his face and carded them through his hair before giving it a firm tug. He really doesn't understand the way his brother's mind work.

"Why do you gay people have to be so sensitive?" he shouted at the door.

From within, he could hear what he presumed to be his brother's alarm clock hitting the thick wood of the door.

oooooooooo

It was a few days later before Fay was willing to accept that he had over reacted the other day. Other then the fact that he had started to detest coming home to an empty apartment. With his heart full of apprehension and guilt he found himself at the main entrance of the theatre where his brother worked at. He had realized with dismay that within the few short weeks, he had gotten used to his brother babying habits again, and he did missed having someone to talk to and goof around with.

He waited for well after half an hour as he watched streams and groups of visitors and students exit the building before he caught sight of a familiar crown of jet black hair heading towards him.

"Hey, baby brother…" Kurogane called out with a fair amount of affection and surprise lacing his tone. He wasn't expecting to see blondie so soon after that day and the thought of his brother waiting for him at the entrance of the theater made him feel unreasonably guilty, never mind the fact that it wasn't him that had started the argument in the first place.

Fay shivered in pleasure at the way his brother had addressed him and hoped that reaction hasn't been obvious to him.

"Don't call me that in public. It's embarrassing." He blurted out rudely once Kurogane was within earshot.

"Oh…I thought you were here because you own me an apology?" Kurogane teased lightly, a light hearted method of reprimand he had found to be more effective then a serious lecture on someone of his brother's character. It always worked wonderfully in getting his message across and it was no different this time.

"You know I was never articulate in expressing my emotions."

"I know, baby brother. I know that very well."

"Still for all it's worth…I'm sorry." Fay muttered reluctantly.

"Apology accepted. So are you heading off for work right now?"

"No, I'm meeting Dean, I'm off tonight."

"Is he a boyfriend, that punk ass looking boy?"

Fay sniggered as if laughing to a private joke.

"Dean's only good for a fuck, nothing serious." Fay stated as a matter of fact as he thought about his insipid and twisted relationship with Dean. The only reason that they were together was because they were able to satisfy each other's sexual gratifications and that was all to it. Although there had been a time when attraction existed, but it fizzled out quickly enough when Dean realized that his heart was already circumscribed by his sinful desires towards his brother.

Kurogane tensed visibly at that remark and turned green in the gills for a moment. The expression was not unnoted by Fay and even though he knew it wasn't for the reasons his heart wished it to be, he indulged himself in what little happiness he could derived by thinking that his brother was jealous about the thing he had going with Dean.

"Don't you ever think of getting someone stable to take care of you?" Kurogane asked his tone serious and heavy. His crimson eyes softening with unspoken tenderness, and Fay found his pulse quickening again.

How beautiful life would be if this man was never born to be his brother.

"Why would I if I have you to do that for me…" Fay answered his voice almost drowned out by the din a passing group of students were making.

Kurogane frowned at that answer, he couldn't help but feel that there was a whole world of implications behind those words and whatever it was, it left him feeling very unsettled.

"Silly…I'm your brother, and one day I'm going to get married and have my own family. I can't be there for you all the time and dad and mum will be too old to handle the type of stress you'll be giving them."

"I guess I'll have to be figuring that out by myself." Fay said as he looked into the distance where the crowns of the oak trees in the park ahead were swaying gently in the wind.

That was part of a future he wasn't keen to think about at all.

oooooooooo

Dean let his lips travel slowly up the length of that graceful neck, enjoying the soft puffs of air the blonde was exerting and the gentle pulse beneath cool ivory skin. His hands were wrapped snugly on slim hips and he rocked the blonde sitting astride him in a smooth rhythm, feeling his own breath catch whenever the blonde clenched around him.

But something was off tonight, the blonde was very distracted. Sex with him was always wild and frantic…almost to a point of desperation. Dean liked it that way because it meant he could be wild with him and not be worried about hurting the blonde in any ways. Tonight the blonde appeared like he wasn't even there in person. That annoyed him.

"A hand job would be so much better then what we're doing now." He said in a clipped tone.

"Then why don't you call your favorite service guy instead?" Fay answered dispassionately.

Dean took a deep breath not wanting to lose his patience that early in the night and because he wanted to get off at least once before the night ends. Also, he was too tired to go cruising for a new target.

"Was it something that he said?" Dean questioned knowing that there was only one person who could drive Fay to such levels of distraction.

Fay grimaced inwardly. He hadn't thought that his brother's causal remark would have affected him like that and he hadn't expected Dean to latch on to it.

"Do you want to do this or not?" Fay replied defensively as warm blue eyes suddenly harden into an icy gaze, his barriers up in a flash.

Dean narrowed his eyes and pushed Fay off him, hissing as he felt himself slide out of that tight opening.

"Damn it Fay! You know he's bad for you!" Dean said through clenched teeth, his green eyes throwing sharp looks of accusations at the blond, pissed that his evening was screwed. He really didn't feel like dealing with Fay's emotional baggage tonight.

"Either you stop talking about this or I'm leaving.

Dean leaned over and grabbed Fay's wrist.

"Ok…! Let's forget it…come on, you can't leave me hanging like that." Dean said pleadingly with eyes still raking hungrily up and down Fay's body.

Fay glared at him and pulled his hand out of Dean's grip roughly.

"Too bad but I don't feel like being used tonight!" he said coldly as he picked up his clothes, dressed himself and stormed out of the room without as much as a goodbye. The sticky warmth between his legs now a disgusting reminder of how far he has fallen again, and the empty unfulfilled ache buoying at the depths of his groin leaves him feeling more acutely the aggravations of his heart's disappointment.

oooooooooo

Kurogane was asleep on the sofa by the time Fay came through the door, the television was only showing static: the DVD that he was watching had ended long ago. Fay took off his shoes and switched off the television and player before switching off the lamp on the side table. Moonlight flooded the small living room and the transparent yellowed rays from the moon illuminated his sight. Fay knelt infront of his brother with a tender smile on his face and brought his fingers up, softly caressing the spiky jet black hair, his eyes gazing longingly at those pair of sensual lips and then slowly down the rest of his unclothed torso.

The sublime beauty of the night in the city was lost to Fay as he wondered if he will ever shake off this feeling that imprisons his heart, and stop experiencing this myriad of ferocious wants. Why is he so stubbornly obsessed about his brother? Was it his preoccupation with narcissism that had him so deeply embroiled with the tendrils of forbidden love, or was he as sick as what Dean thought him to be?

Fay wants him so much that it hurts to the marrow of his bones and the yearning for the taste of Kurogane's essence forever leaving his tongue desiccated, unable to taste the other offerings of life's glory. And as he savor the sight of his brother laying on the sofa, so open and exposed to his starving eyes, he felt the temptation of the serpent's tongue licking at his loins, it's sinful whispering providing various images of delectable peccadillo that he and his brother was partaking in.

It was too much for him to bear and he felt himself panting for the need to be rid of the burning flames that were being stoked into a raging furnace without any control over his own will. He tried to regulate his breathing as he reached down, past the waistline of his jeans popping off the metal buttons then under his briefs and sigh with ecstatic relief as he felt the hot velvet texture of himself. He wrapped his fingers firmly around his shaft and reached up with his index finger to smear the dewdrops of precum leaking out of the slit, using it to lubricate and smooth the process of this lewd self fulfilling act.

He turned his gaze upwards from his brother's well defined torso and focused on those sharp masculine features, swallowing hard as he tried not to moan his pleasure as his hand formed a quick and urgent rhythm up and down his shaft. But this wasn't enough for him, the emptiness was still there. He paused for a moment as he reached down with both hands and pulled his jeans and briefs off before hastily stuffing three fingers into his mouth, licking them slick. He needs to fill up the emptiness, to feel as if it was his brother in him.

His need was so strong that he ignored the fact that Kurogane might wake up at any moment to catch him in the act. He was too far gone to care about that minor detail.

Fay shifted so that he was kneeling on the thinly carpeted floor instead, the position making his own entry easier. He reached down with those slick fingers and started a gentle kneading around his entrance, it was only for a while before he brutally shoved his middle finger in, gasping in pleasure and bucking his hips at the slow burn it was giving him and then quickly he started to work the other two fingers in. He was breathing heavily now and as his fingers found his prostate he resumed the urgent pulls on his cock. The pleasure from both ends were intensive and he moved his hand faster on his shaft and pressed onto his prostate firmly, looking at his brother's face at the same time. He was having problems holding back his moans now and his mouth had gone slack from the overwhelming pleasure he was feeling at the moment, and he knows he needs to come now.

He gave himself a few more hard tugs ending with slight twists at the end of his cock, feeling the familiar tightening of his groin and the gathering heat that was fighting for release, and then the image of his brother awake and watching him performing this degrading act finally pushed him over the edge. He bucked and trembling violently as white hot release washed over him, and it was all he could do to stifle his scream of pleasure by biting on his lips as he slump down against the edge of the sofa, his hands wet and sticky with his own come.

He leaned there waiting for his breathing to resume some form of normalcy as tears well up in his eyes. He wondered if this is all there is to his life in future, nothing but to hide underneath this cover of weak normalcy.

oooooooooo

Kurogane startled spilling his coffee as Fay walked out of the bathroom with a rather loud bang of the door; he averted his eyes to avoid looking at his brother. He was still feeling greatly disturbed and harassed by the images he saw last night, or, probably dreamt about. It was just as worse, whichever the case.

"Morning…mmm…did you leave enough for me?" Fay asked as he picked up his favorite mug from the glass stand. His hair was still dripping wet and the water droplets flowing down his torso was leaving dark water stains at the waist line of his jeans.

Kurogane plucked at the towel that was hanging from Fay's left shoulder and threw it over his head.

"An adult and you still can't even dry yourself properly." He said as he put his coffee down and started rubbing down his brother's hair, patting the end of those soft blonde strands and then a soft massage on his scalp to soak up the excess water.

Fay smiled discreetly as he luxuriated in the soothing motions of his brother's fingers, Kurogane's eyes couldn't help as they travel down the path where the water droplets had gone. Was it truly a dream or should he fault the lucidity of his eyes in the dark, when he was still heavily influence by the drowsy consciousness of sleep? What was this thing he was feeling then…the image of his brother throwing his head back in completion has been stuck in his mind ever since he woke up this morning.

This was all wrong…it must be his worries regarding his brother's promiscuous sex life being transformed into a more sinister message by his mind in sleep.

Nothing more.

"I was thinking that you could go home this afternoon since I don't have any classes…" Kurogane said in need of something to distract him.

"No." Fay replied with resolution.

"You've avoided them long enough."

"Don't talk as if you don't know how stubborn Dad is." Fay replied still not recovered yet from the words his father had said to him.

"You're still his son you know."

"Yeah, just not the one that he feels proud of."

"You know the old man. He's always harsh on the surface but he's just a big old softie at heart."

"Didn't you hear what he said that day? Were you even paying attention?"

"What did you expect him to say then? Any parent would react this way when told that their kid is gay!"

Fay huffed as he walked to the living room and slunk down on it.

"Come on baby brother…you forgave me, so why not Dad?"

Fay closed his eyes and leaned his head on the sofa, a barely heard sigh escaping his lips.

"Alright, we'll go after lunch."

Kurogane was just about to say something in reply when the door bell rang. He strode across the room and opened the door. A courier man was standing infront with a huge package infront of him.

"Delivery for Mr. Fay McCann?"

"It's for you baby brother." He called out. He could hear Fay stumbling up from behind and the sounds of a lazy saunter.

Fay peered over Kurogane's shoulder noting the dashing good looks of the courier man, their eyes met and Fay gave a shy smile.

"I would need your signature before I can hand this over, Mr. McCann."

Fay stepped out from behind his brother, his body enjoying the proximity which traces his veins with dark desire, eyes still locked with the guy as he took the pen from his fingers letting them brushed by deliberately.

Kurogane arched an eyebrow observing the subtle exchanges.

Fay was just about to return the pen when the courier guy winked at Fay and nodded his chin towards Kurogane. Fay gave a sly smile in return and shook his head, the guy nodded in understanding and left.

"Do you guys automatically flirt with anything that's male?" Kurogane asked.

"Us guys…?" Fay asked with a puzzled expression.

"I mean…you know what I mean." Kurogane said a little bashfully sounding very unsure of himself. It was a silly question but the truth is he never knew how to relate to his brother ever since he confessed that he was gay. He knows how to treat him as his little brother but he couldn't talk to him regarding his personal life and that left him feeling somewhat bereft.

"Oh…" Fay exclaimed softly in understanding, "I guess it is an inherent mechanism…?" Fay answered coyly with a blink.

oooooooooo

"I told you I don't want to see him…why do you have to make me do this!" Fay yelled across the apartment at his brother. The anger that was simmering since he left his parents' home was bubbling over now into an uncontrollable rage. Yet, somehow Kurogane didn't feel that was the main reason why Fay got so mad.

"I didn't expect…"

"You don't _expect_! You don't expect shit because everything has always gone your way!" Fay shouted cutting him off in the middle of the sentence.

"Hey! Don't say that! You don't know how hard I've worked to get the things I wanted!" Kurogane yelled back as he pointed his index finger viciously towards Fay.

"Why does every conversation u-turns back to you!" Fay cried out.

"You're the one who pointed it in my direction!" Kurogane yelled again as he drew his hand back and slam it on the wooden counter nearest to him, highly frustrated that they were getting into another argument again.

"I don't care! I just want you to shut up!" Fay yelled back his voice trembling by now.

Kurogane opened his mouth to retaliate but decided against it because he could see how badly their conversation has careened off the track, so he clammed up and sat down on the sofa instead. His gesture of submission seemed to placate Fay a little. He watched his brother paced angrily across the tiny space as he picked at his hands and strike out at the random objects laying about. Slowly, Fay started running out of steam.

"Come on, baby brother," Kurogane called out as he stood and went to stand behind his brother, "you know staring and knocking your head on the pillar doesn't help with anything."

Fay let out an exasperated sigh as he pushed himself off the wall and turned to face his brother. Kurogane gave him a reassuring pat as he drew Fay into a light hug, knowing that he would need what little comfort he could get. In many ways, Fay and Dad shared the same characteristics. For one, both of them are extremely stubborn and once they have set their hearts or decision on something, nothing much will change their perception.

"I really hate you sometimes." Fay said as he lay his head on his brother's shoulder, the hostility he was feeling was starting to disappear rapidly changing into something else when his brother stepped up to him.

"Oh…not even an apology now?" Kurogane said as he patted his brother's head, noting how sad those blues eyes still were. Dad was always the one encouraging them to be open-minded and see things with a similar perspective because there will always be two sides to a coin. So he was reasonably baffled as to why he was so adamant in his denial that his youngest son was gay

"Why should I? You screwed up a perfectly beautiful day for me." Fay replied

"Why do you have to be so complex to understand?"

"Because my brain's half woman?" Fay jested.

"Is that a prerequisite of being gay?" Kurogane joked back.

Fay snorted and before he could stop himself, he let burst a round of amused laughter. Kurogane looked back with nearly the same amount of befuddlement shown on his face.

"I hate it when you laugh as if there's a private joke in your head."

Fay chuckled softly as he tried not to inhale to scent of his brother but he couldn't stop from rubbing his forehead on his collarbone, feeling the hard edge of it pushing into his skin like a sort of branding tool. How would it be like to wake up nuzzled against all this muscular strength, all this warmth around him? The pain and jealousy was drowning him again when he reminded himself to cease his wishful thinking. That would be Tomoyo's life, not his.

"Don't be kind to me. I can't take it." Fay said with an empty echo to his voice as he leaned forward and pressed himself against Kurogane's chest, his arms hanging limply by his sides.

"You're my baby brother…who should I be good to if not you?" Kurogane replied as he continued stroking his brother's head unconsciously.

"What if I…I never…?" Fay whispered brokenly as he gripped on to the lapels of Kurogane's jacket, fearful that if he said it out, Kurogane might turn and run…and he won't ever come back when he finds out just what a debauched pervert his brother is. But Fay knows better then to voice this dangerous desire out, so he shut himself up instead.

"What if…what?" Kurogane asked as he gently pushed Fay off his shoulder and prompted his brother to look at him. Fay's sudden seriousness and refusal to meet him eye to eye agitated him for a reason he can't tell, "hey…what if what baby brother?"

Kurogane watched as Fay blinked slowly and lifted his head up. But he wasn't prepared for the look that he saw in his brother's eyes and in between his haze to escape that realization and the lame hasty excuse made up; he found that whatever he thought he might have seen wasn't as scary as it should be.

Still waters do indeed run deep, it may not be in tune with his brother's tumultuous nature but he had misread a lot of what has been lingering underneath the surface. Had he really understood or seen the fact that his baby brother had grown and was no longer the puny little brat he once used to be?

Fay watched helplessly as his brother ran off. Without words his deepest secret has been thrown into the open daylights of the world, and apart from the numbness in his mind, there was nothing else much that he could think of right now.

oooooooooo

Kurogane looked out of the window of the speeding bus, watching the horizontal lines of the neon lights of the city speeding past his peripheral vision. The lost women and men who worship the night were thronging the streets looking for their next stop during the hours between dusk to dawn, searching for that elusive high and the excitement that the dark provides. He had been on the buses traveling from one end of the town to the next, since he ran out this morning from his brother's home. There was nowhere he could go to avoid what his eyes had seen and what his heart had understood.

How could he been blind all this time? He fervently wished that he had misinterpreted what his brother's eyes were telling him, that he was wrong? There was nothing eventful that would lead to such a dispensation of his brother's emotions. But there were no mistakes and he could not have been further away from the truth if he were to say that he had not seen any of this coming. He caught those gazes before it was just that he hadn't managed to catch on to the depth of what they meant.

Did it mean what he had seen that night was true? To say that he was shock and stun would equate to saying that it was an overstatement, he was strangely lacking in scandalized mentality. Catching his brother in the act of masturbation…he would have thought it to be a highly embarrassing incident one would have encounter with a sibling in any family, but to know that it was because of him? What does it make him to be when he felt…?

No…this was all wrong.

It is his brother that he is talking about. He should not be…should not be what? How was he to tell himself on what to make of all this when his mind have no clear directions, when his emotions were running wild?

The bus came to a jerky stop.

He had reached his destination but during and till the end of his transit, he realized he still hasn't found a reasonable conclusion to what lies between his brother and him.

The torrential downpour that had started earlier in the day still showed no signs of stopping.

oooooooooo

"I don't know what he saw Dean, I'm afraid he knows." Fay said his voice muffled against Dean's chest.

It has been more then a week and his brother seemed to have completely disappeared from the face of the earth, if he wasn't, he was doing a very good job avoiding him. Fay had tried not to appear desperate as he stood waiting for his brother at the theatre the other day; Tomoyo came out alone with no sight of Kurogane. Apparently, he had taken up some obscure offer of an audition from a dance company in Miami and he won't be back for the next two weeks. Tomoyo had looked taken aback when he said didn't know about it. He knew it would be pointless to make any excuses for it because Tomoyo might see right through it all. He tried calling Kurogane's mobile when he was home later. It was switched off, as it has been for the past few days.

Dean said nothing as he stroked Fay's head, oddly disappointed that the blonde wasn't that way because of him. He knows better of course. It's almost funny, the way they are.

"You know I can't always be here for you." Dean spoke into Fay's hair, breathing in his scent at the same time.

Fay doesn't answer. He gave a bitter laugh when he realized that Dean and his brother had said the same things to him. He doesn't ever answer questions that Dean asks. He only pressed closer to him and slide up, gently nibbling Dean's jawline, and then his bottom lip. He is being selfish but he needs this. He doesn't love it but he can't bear the hollow emptiness either.

Dean plays along as always. He had loved Fay once and maybe he still does, but there were some things in life that one can never have and one can always choose how to live with or, without it. Dean learned that it was easier to get accustomed to Fay's needs as and when he needs it. It hurts less then not seeing him at all, and it wasn't hard to play the bastard at times. He was young and he still has many years left to play, and two can always play the game.

oooooooooo

Kurogane stepped into the quiet apartment, still feeling tired from the long journey back home. He intended to stay for the full two weeks in Miami. Admittingly he wasn't too attracted to the offer from the dance company though he loves the weather there. It was more of an escape that conveniently presented itself, thrown onto his lap and he took it without second thoughts. He had planned to stay the fortnight but the whirlwind in his mind made it too hard for him to concentrate on anything else. His audition had not gone well. Small as that company may be, the repercussions of his performance is not to be overlooked.

As he lugged his luggage along behind, he wondered what he should say to his brother. There was a high possibility for him to treat this as a silly misunderstand and best be forgotten by both. It definitely left them options and space to retreat. Nobody wants to deal with honesty of that sort.

He reached into the deep pocket of his jacket searching for the keys to his brother's apartment. He reminded himself that he should actually be going home first, just so Mum knows that he is alright. But for now, Fay comes first. The number of messages informing him of the number of calls he missed told him that the matter can't be put off any longer. He was starting to feel that his nerves will fail him the moment he faces his brother, judging from the way his heart is pounding and the amount of cold sweat pouring out from his pores. He inserted the key into the lock and was somehow surprised to find it unlocked. Fay was never this careless.

He looked in the direction of the bedroom, certain that he had heard some rustling from within. He was hoping that his brother might be asleep, and then he might be able to better gather his nerves and talk about it the next morning. No such luck for him it seems.

He saw from the seam of the door which was carelessly left ajar, a soft stream of light. Whispering voices informed him that his brother wasn't alone. A foreboding feeling came over him and his instincts told him to turn around, get out. But he was enticed by what seemed to be the sounds of labored breathing and soft smacking of skin against skin. He supposed on hindsight that should have alerted him to what the occupants were doing in the room. He knew he should walk away then but his curiosity got the better of him. He padded discreetly towards the door and peered within.

He was sure his immediately reaction should be mortification, and justified sibling anger to see his brother with another man, but as he looked at the pale expense of flushed ivory skin glowing pink with a light sheen of perspiration, Fay's mouth opened slack with pleasure, those soft erotic moans and the way Fay was undulating against Dean's golden tanned body, he felt a strange unexplainable stirring instead. The sight of Fay so ravished and debauched sent waves of possessiveness and jealousy through him, unable to comprehend and accept what his body is feeling; he fled the apartment letting the door slam in his haste to get away. His luggage left behind in his haste to escape.

Dean held Fay by the hips in suspended motion as they heard the door slammed shut. Fay didn't need anyone to tell him that it was his brother who had returned from Miami.

Kurogane didn't think of returning to his parents place that night, so he opted for Tomoyo's instead. There was a sudden primal need springing from deep within him and he found himself thirsty…hungry…and he knows it isn't for food or water, but for something more base and physical.

Tomoyo did not question his suddenly being there, she took it that he had missed her during the trip. With a smile that made him go on a severe guilt trip, she welcomes him home in her arms. He inhaled the soft scent of white musk and her favorite shampoo; the scent of it grounds him a little but did nothing else to quench that terrible need within. When he took Tomoyo that night it was devoid of the gentleness normally doled out in their love making, it was frantic and rough as he pinned her against the mattress, and when he came, it was not Tomoyo's voice that he heard or her face that he saw. It was images of sun blue skies and the muffled moans of his brother's in the throes of his climax.

As he lay awake in the middle of the night, he realized fervently avoiding a problem does not necessary mean the problem will go away on its own. Instead the doubts and unanswered questions only intensify whatever that was left lingering there, only becoming more vivid and the varying degrees of details haunt him like everything else that was banal in life. He soon started questioning himself. If that look meant nothing, was there something wrong with him then? He could not help obsessing over it. He stayed awake in the darkness, counting the minutes as he listened to Tomoyo's light even breathing while she slept. The thoughts of to talk, or, not kept bouncing back and forth in his head.

The issue had been avoided enough. He was mature enough to be talking about it instead of running like a child. It was only a look that he might have misinterpreted after all. It meant nothing, he thought as he desperately tried to convince himself. Nothing at all, not even with those moments when Fay would say something and he would feel like they meant more then the words themselves represented. So yes, he would talk to Fay about it and get rid of this absurd awkwardness once and for all.

Everyone should know that in a single minute a step in the wrong direction could undo someone's whole life. Yet at that moment, Kurogane had no idea that this decision could trigger the catalyst of destruction in the lives of his whole family.

oooooooooo

Fay was just about to step out of his apartment when the door opened and his brother stepped in. They both stood at the door wordless and still, intentions unclear. The tension in the room was palpable, unable to elide.

"Did I offend you or something? You've been really weird nowadays." Fay asked breaking the silence first. He walked into the apartment stopped and leaned on the wall and distracted himself by pushing the mug on the counter opposite him while waiting for his brother's reply, his heart pounding in his throat. It is always easier to play the part of the ignorant, just to study how the other player maneuvers the ball in his court so as to better plan his next move.

Kurogane held his brother's eyes, trying not to slump like a jellyfish beached. He had an extreme dislike as to the way his brother's mind works. Games of words comes easily to him, whether put across crudely or intellectually phrased sarcasm, he could out maneuver the person having the conversation with him and use it against one self, successfully deflecting what he does not want to answer. One would have to grasp the way Fay thinks in order to play his games. And right now, Kurogane was not in the mood for games. He had acted against his own principles to be here. He wants clarity of this _thing_ that lies between them, right now, straight up.

"I thought you could be more honest then me."

He threw the ball right back into Fay's court. If Fay is to yield, the only way will be to force him into a corner and let him claw his way out.

"About?" Fay swung the racket his way again.

Kurogane tensed and clenched his teeth. He tires easily of these petty mind games his brother enjoys setting up. He took a step forward his insides are starting to twist like a tornado, closer.

"The way you look at me that day…I saw something…I want to know what that look means."

"Did you think I was taking drugs?" Fay scripted the careful reply. He knows his brother hates the way he answers with another question. He listened to the shuffling of his brother's feet and watched him take off his jacket as he turned and leaned against the kitchen cabinet, head looking down at his dark brown boots. Fay wondered what he's thinking about right now. He really should have been more careful that day, but emotions were always tricky and almost impossible to tame. There's point in feeling regretful now. He probably didn't even realize he had looked at Kurogane that way.

Kurogane looked up suddenly with an expression that says that he couldn't be more relief if his brother had taken drugs or, if he was really walking along the lines of certain dangerous feelings.

"Did you?" he whispered like he was daring Fay to break his hopeful reverie.

That answer took a while for Fay to recover from. He shuttered his feelings and schooled his face into the one he normally wore and smiled. Denial had always been the drug of choice; it is the ultimate escape from things one has no desire to face; it is a drug one cannot fight against.

"Will you feel better if I did?" Fay asked with his eyes closed, not wanting to see the reaction of his brother. He waited for a few seconds before the felt the invasion of his private space and the scent of his brother's perfume teasing his nose, the warmth of a hand placed on his arm prompted him to open his eyes.

"We should really talk about this." Kurogane said as he removed his hand and leaned against the counter, ignoring the discomfort of the edge of the wooden panel digging into his lower back. His eyes staring at the crown of pale flaxen hair before wandering down to the familiar face of his brother's, noting somewhat irrelevantly that the dull yellow light did nothing to flaw the gentle feminine features of his brother, only served to add contrast and textures to it enhancing every nuance of his minute expressions, warm misty blue eyes darken into pale icy blue instead.

Fay remained standing in the same place unmoving. This is where he needs to decide if things are going to end, or, is it going to continue as it has for the past twenty plus years. He looked at his brother again. He thought about his career, his life, their parents and his girlfriend. Kurogane has it all and everything was going well for him, there was no reason for him to screw up this future that his brother was entitled to. He could do it easily to anyone but not to Kurogane.

"There's nothing to talk about. I do this quite often with my friends, take a pill, have a puff, down a shot. It's really quite enjoyable actually." Fay said with a steady voice and a sardonic smile. And then as if to further affirm of his dangerous and extremely unhealthy habits, he pulled out the packet of cigarettes that Dean had left with him and lighted up a stick, blowing the smoke at his brother's face deliberately.

Kurogane narrowed his eyes and gave Fay a doubtful look. He could tell it was an obviously empty lie. Then he felt the irrational anger surging through him again and he can't understand it. Why does it matter whether Fay was lying or not? Shouldn't it be better if this answer was the truth instead?

"Don't lie to me. I was with you the whole morning and I didn't see you do anything."

"I don't always do everything in front of you." Fay snarled angered by their wretched and pointless speculation of this whole thing. If only Kurogane wasn't such a perceptive person, he might have the chance to get himself off the hook. Now, he couldn't even find himself a decent excuse to deny his heart's desire.

"I saw you that night too, when you came home after meeting with Dean." Kurogane said. It was scaring him on how out of control this whole outburst had become and it is getting harder not to question himself on his actual intentions now. Why is he so desperate to force an answer out from Fay? Without his conscious summoning, the fuzzy images in his brain begin to sharpen into focus, the way his brother mouthed his name when he came filled Kurogane with a nameless want that made him feel utterly dirty, and then the look on Dean's face as Fay rocked against him, that blind rage and jealousy he felt then when he saw it. As he replayed them again and again in that split second, he came to a horrifying realization.

How was it that he has never seen it?

Fay drew in a sharp breath at that, feeling the burn of shame searing through his body. This was not something he could talk himself out of.

"Why do you so badly want to know?" Fay asked

"Because I'm…" Kurogane stuttered feeling utterly flummoxed as his thoughts progressively got cloudier.

Fay's eyes flickered to Kurogane's and for a fleeting moment, the brothers experienced a flush of desire thrilling through their bodies, a quick rush of liquid fire streaking through their groin but, it was gone much to fast for them to register it as a honest respond of their mindset.

"This is getting too confusing…" Kurogane muttered to himself.

This is going to be a pointless game of guess, Fay thought, with the ball bouncing back and forth with none of them getting any closer to knowing what they want. He didn't want to deal with this any longer; he could feel the fast enlarging crack of his emotions shattering to smithereens beneath his skin. He is running short on stamina. He had been swimming far too long against the raging currants of white water of which is that river that runs in the depths of his heart, the secret had long became a burden too immense for him to bear, and if he held on to it any longer he is going to sink beneath it all. He had to let go, it is now or never. If it has to be ended, it will be him who will pen the full-stop of this story.

Fay leaned forward and kissed Kurogane. It was not a kiss of passion. It was not a kiss that sparked the shift of the universe beneath their feet. It was a kiss that bespoke of the sadness and the wrongness of it all and the onslaught of nostalgia. It was a kiss that told of a period of their life which will never return, because Fay had chosen to step across the boundaries of what society would deem unacceptable and greatly immoral.

"That's your answer…" Fay whispered his voice cold and defeated and the tears came, "Leave…and don't come here anymore…your luggage is behind the door." Fay said as he extracted the keys of his apartment from his brother's hand and retreated back into his bedroom.

"Fay…" Kurogane said as he grabbed at Fay's arm.

"Leave…you should have never come looking for me in the first place, Kurogane."

oooooooooo

"Is there something bothering you today? You kept falling behind throughout the whole rehearse." Tomoyo asked worry etched into fine lines on her normally smooth forehead. It didn't take much to see that Kurogane's dance was performed on auto-pilot. His eyes were focused on some far-away thoughts and had only kept looking at the empty seats at the front of the stage.

Kurogane bent to stretch his tired muscles and to loosen the invisible tensions wounded tight around his body and shook his head.

"Nothing, I'm just feeling a bit worn out." He replied. It was not a lie, only a half truth. He really hadn't gotten any rest at all. He had spent more then half the night sitting up in his own room after he returned from Fay's place, feeling hysteria welling within him, agonized, desperate and caught up in every sort of confusion. Despite the confrontational truth being laid bare for him, he still felt as if he needed an answer to all this. It was as if he was stuck on an immovable land of fog and he was doomed to be stuck in that muck forever.

The remnant of Fay's kiss was still very protuberant in his mind, its will fierce in its dominance over his own, subjugating it to the sinful desires that were starting to bud from his heart. It was a burden he found unbearable and his responsibility to withhold and tame it was tremendously crushing, it is impossible to even try to delude himself that everything that had happened actually did not. How did it come to be that a kiss became a marker of one's end instead of a representation of good hopes and pure budding love?

That kiss had made him doubt his whole life in general, awakening and killing something within him at the same time. That silver of acceptance towards his brother's intimate touch had undermined every perception he had held since he was young, what was forbidding is starting to turn into the source that was fanning his unutterable desire. Was he only trying to find relief for the internal tension he had been feeling for the past couple of weeks? His mind could come up with no better logic or excuses. Nothing went through his thoughts apart from the remembrance of the graze of a shy tongue on his and a hint of tobacco on it.

oooooooooo

"Do you want to go home early today? I can take over the rest of your classes." Tomoyo offered as she noted not for the first time that day the dark shades under his eyes. She wished he could tell her what was wrong; she needed him to assuage her worries. She couldn't pinpoint what was it exactly but he had been terribly distracted ever since he headed off to Miami. Sometimes the wall between them weren't as oblivious as she thought it to be, there were times when she felt like she didn't know him as well as she thought. Perhaps it was normal; they were only together for six months. She has no claim on him at this stage and definitely no closer to getting under his skin.

Ever since they were together, she found herself fraught with insecurities regarding their relationship. Although Kurogane has all the attributes of a perfect boyfriend, their chemistry were often lacking the presence of those fiery sparks that speak of an ardent love. Then there were those relationships he used to have. It didn't take much for her to notice that none of them lasted for more then two years.

She questioned him once when they were still friends regarding his ex-girlfriends, on why none of the relationships lasted. He said that he loved them all but he never felt right with them, that there was never any passion, only affection, and affection can be felt with everyone and anyone, but passion was different. He wanted someone to _define_ passion in his life. Tomoyo wondered if he found it in her. She never asked.

oooooooooo

Fay lay curled up at the foot of his bed, the half empty bottle of vodka dangled precariously in his loose grip. He had lost track of how long he had been laying here. It does not matter. He was in no rush to break away from this rhapsody of nothingness. Life in limbo was considered a luxury for him right now. It lessens the somber pang of loneliness that haunts his caged heart. Fay wished that it wasn't so. He wished that his heart could become an instrument again, to be just another organ that pumps the vitality of blood through his being, instead of this…this scale that gauges the hierarchy of his emotions and sentiments. He didn't want to be aware of the indelible imprint of pain felt by every of his nerve endings.

He wanted to shake away this love he had for his brother, but it had gained too much permanence in the composition of his life. He was weak, unlike Kurogane who stood out in his life like a beacon of light, a pillar of strength. He did not know how to pull himself out of this, so he chose an easy way out. A life of self destruction was easy to lead. He only had to let go of himself to achieve it. It was only bad because he felt guilty everytime he gives in to his weakness and, during those times he wished his brother was as weak as he is.

The haze of numb euphoria caused by the alcohol was fading away, he took another few swigs from the bottle and registered the burning sensation that slide down his throat like liquid fire. Reality will be kept away at arms length. He didn't want to fall right now. As he continued to stare at the walls of his tiny room, he wondered how long could he be cooped in here without being discovered? He supposed it was fairly easy. It wasn't like he had many friends who will miss his presence. The exception being Dean, he guessed. Then again, it may be beneficial for Dean if he were to disappear from his life. Fay was certain that his sickness had pervaded Dean, and it was starting to twist him up too.

He didn't know why but this moroseness tickles him. He was reminded of a reoccurring dream he used to have, morbid but funny at the same time. He dreamt that he was trapped in a hospital room, walking along the perimeters of the wall, then without reasons he would find himself in bed and he would be stabbing himself in the ear repeatedly. He could hear the sharp point of the knife hitting his skull, he could feel the pain of the cut, he could feel the warmth of his ever flowing blood but the monitor doesn't stop beating and he doesn't ever died from it. It was senseless, so much like the most of his life.

Fay starting laughing, it wasn't the initial reaction he wanted because right now he would rather cry. But there was no one who will pity him, or, to lend him a shoulder to cry on, so he reckons that he should not feel any more miserable than he is right now. So he laughed instead. But the sound of his laughter was bitter and hollow and as it echoed through the rooms of his apartment, it only served to make his misery more pronounced.

That was when the tears came, when reality approached with its loathed arms wide opened for him. Reality slapped the truth in his face and told him that he was all alone, that he was paying for the sin of loving his own blood. Reality told him that his brother was not here and will never be because he had cursed the bond broken and Kurogane has left him for good. It shoved the ugly truth into the core of him. That no matter how beautiful his dreams are he will never attain them. That he owns nothing. And just before he falls asleep, Fay muses if one could be drowned to death by their own tears.

oooooooooo

Kurogane thanked the locksmith as he packed his bag to leave and as soon as the locksmith left, he pushed opened the door without any preamble. In his heart, he fervently prayed that Fay would be fine and had done nothing foolish. It had only been three days, already the apartment smelled. Especially grating on his senses was the lingering fumes of alcohol and the residue odor of vomit.

His gut tells him he shouldn't be here but there was too much left hanging from his brother's last spoken words, and that coming here would abolish every single rule that have been ingrained into him since childhood. The familiar bonds of family has been remolded ever since his unspeakable desires sprung up. As much as he knows this is wrong, it was also something radical. That brought him a kind of terrifying relief and excitement to know that he had the ability to let go of those superficial morals and indulge in being weak. Because nobody needs to know about this and nobody will know about this.

This was the transgression of the inviolable. There was no mistaking what he was courting once he is back here in his brother's apartment. Despite knowing that this desire will only lead them to a path of madness and sooner or later, they will lose themselves, he could not fight the claws of desire anymore then Fay could. The fact that he wanted it subconsciously did not come as a surprise. Rather then feeling confined, he found it liberating. It made him see why none of his relationships lasted and why making love with the women he presumed to have loved had always felt empty. It explained to him that unidentified discomfort everytime he thought of his brother with another man, and his unexplainable need to want Fay in every moment in his life. It explained so many things that he had not thought possible before.

"Fay!" he called out as he walked towards the bedroom when he didn't see Fay anywhere in the kitchen or living room, "Fay!" Kurogane called out when he saw his brother sprawled out unconscious on the bed. He counted the bottles of various types of alcohol thrown haphazardly around the floor; guilt assaulted him as he kicked the bottles aside. He sat down beside Fay and let out a huge sigh. He could not have possibly seen a bigger mess than this.

"You're one big complication in my life…baby brother." Kurogane whispered as he carded his fingers through blonde hair dampen by sweat. He looked around the apartment again and thought he might clean up the place before Fay wakes up, till then, they may be able to sort themselves out of this tangle, unwanted or, not.

oooooooooo

Fay woke up disoriented and groggy, his vision bleary and senses extremely dull. It was good at least he still felt numb, albeit the pain that was striking every nerve around his head. He stumbled up from his bed when the urge to answer nature's call could no longer be delayed. Fay was sure that continuous alcohol consummation and the avoidance of food was the worst possible combination of all. Did he even make it out of bed once during these couple of days? He must have, the bed still look decent enough, he noted irrelevantly. Then he wondered why he hadn't died from alcohol toxic yet. As he hovered by the bed trying to regain his sense of vertical balance, he caught a whiff of a familiar scent. How could someone's perfume still linger around after so long, or, was he missing it so much that his mind had conjured it up just to sooth his longing? He found his answer soon enough when he saw his brother standing in the middle of the kitchen as he was heading for the bathroom.

He leaned against the wall quietly observing the graceful and calm movements of his brother, the subtle shift of those broad shoulders as he reached above the counters for the dried spices and the contemplative expression glimpsed from his side profile. Those deep set eyes and strong masculine jaw line accentuated with a set of sensual lips, which often breaks out in that hypnotizing smile that never fails to steal his breath away everytime. This was a scene that had appeared numerous times in his dreams. The domesticated bliss of him and his brother living together without a care in the world had always been only a dream…was he in one now?

Kurogane halted everything he was doing when he sensed that prickling sensation of someone watching him. He dropped the last cinnamon stick into the pot of tea he had just made and turned to see Fay teetering by the side of the wall. Those cerulean eyes watched him without focus or guarded wariness; he realized Fay might still be a little delirious. He didn't say a word as he moved and carried Fay into the bathroom. He was glad of the silent allowance his brother gave because silence is the only coherent truth that exists for them right now. Everything else are just pointless and infuriating analysis and cataloging of the autonomous shadows of their disillusioned mind, to make clear of everything now would only be a mean of spreading their misery around.

As they stood facing each other in the bathroom, Fay let his brother divest him of his clothing, let himself be lead under the languid hot water of the shower and feel the dislocated movements of Kurogane's hands on him, lathering soap and shampoo. He felt no shame from his brother's gaze lingering on his nakedness and the gentle caresses upon his most intimate places, perhaps of their blood bond and the love he has for Kurogane, the union of their skin ceased to be a crass experience. Strangely, no matter how warm those hands felt, Fay was adamant in believing he was still in one of his dreams. It was impossible for this to be happening; he must be in another dimension; another dream induced by the toxic effects of a hangover.

Kurogane looked into the glassy eyes of his brother as the fabrics fall away, feeling his breath catch as the expense of the ivory pale skin was exposed to him. The element that haunts and unhinges him in all the decadent dreams he had of his brother for the past few days, and here he is standing infront of him, feeling him beneath his fingers, touching him with reverence as if he was touching Christ's feet himself. It is strange how sensations never leave you no matter how low you got. He savored the slippery sleekness of well soaped skin and bony shoulder blades as he ran his hand across the slender body infront of him, this careful and tender treatment he realized, had only been bestowed upon his brother and none others. That knowing brought the sweetest sadness and ache to his heart which he could not bear, and he leaned forward under the spray of the water and drew Fay into his arms, forgetting the clothes that he still had on in his need to feel and justify the truth of their bonds.

As Fay felt those strong arms enveloped him, he knew that he was no longer in the whirlpools of his dreams. In the prolix confusion, he focused on the arms encircled around his torso and waist, the inertia of his profound blindness was ripped away immediately. He had been telling himself so many self-effacing things that he had lost the ability to understand the language of reality. He didn't see that his brother had always held the same amount of love for him and that no matter how twisted that love is Kurogane will always find a way to reach him, to make sure things fall in place and ensure that their bonds will never end, like the moonlight that precedes one's shadows at night, Kurogane will always be one step behind waiting to catch him when he falls. How could he deny Kurogane of the love he has for him?

"Why?" Fay whispered brokenly as his hand moved to cover the arms circled around him, "Why did you come back? I told you not to."

Kurogane didn't answer but tighten his grip around Fay, pressing his cheek upon the damp hair, shaking his head at the same time. What more could he say? He can only look back so many times to come to this decision. He could not find reasons, only the yearning to bring them both to the place they want to belong to. So he pressed his index finger upon Fay's lips, shushing him, a gesture of plead to allow the silence between them to continue so they would have enough time to build another world around themselves and leave reality behind. If they were to ascertain what lies between them, it will have to be within their own walls of isolation, without the sounds of nothing but their own breathing and heartbeats. He would not allow ignominious feelings to root themselves in the purity of their emotions.

Fay coming awake from the invigorating steam of heat, nodded his head seemingly appearing to understand what his brother needs right now. What they need right now. His ravenous heart wanted so much more, more then what he knows Kurogane will be able to give. But he will take what he can for now because he wasn't sure if there would be anything left for him after this. When their desires are sated, gratification gained, and the haze of lust had left their minds. Will he be able to let go of Kurogane should he chose to leave? Will Kurogane still stand steadfastly behind, or, will he only love him from afar?

The thought of being unloved tires him out, there might still be a funeral march and a lamentation of this love that has yet to be sung for nothing is concrete in this life he is in.

ooooooooo

Kurogane pulled off the wet tee-shirt and the heavy jeans that were clinging to his skin like the pads of a lizard's feet before wrapping himself around the waist in the towel Fay passed him. He watched his brother dry himself and noted the irregularities of his body, the faint scar by the side of his left hip caught his attention the most. He still remembered how that scar came about. He stepped forward and grazed his finger along the length of it, feeling the tensing of the muscles beneath wet skin. Fay closed his eyes and bowed his head, the sensation of the touch though not sexual, still manages to unreel him. He leaned forward and pressed his cheek against the flap of Fay's ears, feeling the feather light brushes of his half dried hair and Fay's hand came up to cup his own hand over the scar.

"Do you really want this, Kuro?" Fay's whisper echoed in the bathroom, the only other sound that accompanied it was the dripping of the water from the shower head, "do you know how afraid I'm of you…because you still don't seem to understand what you can do to me…"

Kurogane hesitated in his answer. He may be much more aware of how he feels towards Fay but he wasn't sure if he had the courage to put it into words. So he replied by means of action. He tilted Fay's head upwards and leaned down as he embraced Fay from the back. His brother's small and slender frame made it easy for him to imagine that he was embracing a woman instead.

Fay's heart wished he was naïve enough to read his brother's refusal to answer for something else, but he wasn't. He knows very well that this was not a confession of love, nor was it a return of his undying affection. This is a brother returning a brother's love. It is Kurogane's way of bridging that gap which now exists between them. He wasn't willing to let go of this bond yet, so he could only try to feel what Fay was feeling instead. So instead of feeling the joy of having tasted a lover's lips, Fay felt the exquisite pain of the betrayal of his own mind and body as he gave in to his emotions to fulfill his brother's expectations. From the start, he could only resign himself be the taker in their relationship because the door of his heart will never close for his brother.

Kurogane sighed breathily as he felt Fay's lips against his and the gentle puffs of air fanning across his skin. He grasped the soft strands of hair in his fingers and pulled taut the bunch of hair in his grip. Fay hardly flinched from the rough handling, only letting a soft gasp escape him.

"Baby brother." He whispered as he pressed his lips against Fay's, looking into misty blue eyes the whole time. This time the kiss initiated by him grounded the reality, the want and the need in his brother's eyes. The emotions felt as he absorbed the magnitude of his brother's feelings rocked him to the core and he deepens the kiss, grazing his tongue across Fay's bottom lip seeking entrance. The gentle caressing of his tongue draw the softest moan from Fay, but that single articulated expression compounded so much of what Fay felt and the intensity of that moment was soon flowing over and around him, and all the wrongness of it disappeared as he tasted what love could have been, what passion really is.

Fay moaned again as he felt Kurogane's tongue swipe across his lip and he nuzzled into his face breathing in the scent that always reminds him of the sun and the faraway dreams of childhood. Fay pressed his nose against a moist warm cheek, feeling the stubble of a day's growth poke at his skin. It was almost too much for him, the feel of this only person who could make him feel truly alive. Greedily, Fay parted his lips whimpering when their tongues meet, mouths sliding sensually against each others, letting his brother dominate him and his senses traced the searing path on his skin where Kurogane's other hand had traveled, down his neck, chest, and abdomen. The hand halted directly above the apex between his thighs teasingly near his already straining cock, dripping heavily with pre-cum. He moaned again as his whole body started to lose control, his legs weren't going to hold him for long. He trembled violently as he leaned against his brother for much needed support. Fay whimpered as he let the sensations washed over him. Vaguely in the back of his mind, he knew no one else will be able to satisfy him now that he has known Kurogane's touch.

"Fay…baby…baby…" Kurogane breathed out huskily. Fay's earnest reactions weaken his will. He felt it caved in and like a piece of sand paper, Fay's insistence and emotions was soon rubbing him raw. He groaned a low guttural sound as he released the last of his restraints and he could no longer feel his feet on the ground as he let himself fall.

Everything that is transcending now is so wrong…so wrongfully right…

"Kuro…" Fay said softly, "Take me…now," Fay continued as his fingers trailed down the sides of Kurogane's face, tears trailing down his own face as he let the emotions of his admission wash over him, liberate him from that prison he was locked in all these years, "ease me …release me." His fingers shaking as they reached behind and attempted to loosen the towel wrapped around his brother's waist but they were stilled by Kurogane's hand and his choked whisper of a yes.

In the latent silence that followed after Fay's proclamations, Kurogane could only feel a high exultation dispersed through his blood, turning it thick and heavy, making it difficult for him to breathe properly. He groaned in surrender as he turned Fay around and picked him up by his thighs, feeling them warp around him. Fay's naked form against him made him felt as if every other sensation he has felt before was incredibly ephemeral, unlike this. This bridging of their actuality, tangible matter a firm presence made entirely of passion…life in his hands. For once, he finally felt his realities brought together. Passion that moves him in and out, this was what he had been looking for all his life…Just this simple connection of their skin unraveled Kurogane; he brought a hand up behind Fay's head and pulled him into another kiss again. This time it was demanding, fierce and singing of a concordance between their souls strangely disharmonized yet still in tune.

Fay moaned deeply as he felt the waking of his brother's senses. He lost himself in the kiss, arching against the hard chest infront of him, and floated away from the illusions he had attached himself to all these years. He felt himself rising, the water that he had been threading all his life slowly draining away, leaving only a hard ground for him to stand. The planes of existence have shifted and murmuring to him that his future is no longer terminable. He is reborn as a lover conceived in sin, born to luxuriate in the pleasures of plebeian carnality. The quiet ripples of sensation from every spot that Kurogane laid his lips on gave him a high that nothing could compare to in this world, every single thing he did to him was beauty personified. It rendered him speechless and left him breathless.

Kurogane let his lips travel from his brother's lips down across his smooth jawline, the area of skin underneath Fay's ear and down the graceful arch of his ivory neck, listening to Fay's hitched breathing. Every movement caused Fay to press more urgently against him, the rolling of Fay's hips against his, made him want to take Fay right now against the wall, his own erection, so tight, it was painful.

"Not here…" Kurogane whispered as he stumbled out of the bathroom toward the bedroom, trying hard to balance both of them in his lust induced haze. He made it just in time to stop the frantic frotting that Fay had started in the bathroom. He let Fay slide down his body, feeling the slight curves bumping along his body, all sharpness and softness at once. Kurogane clenched his jaws hard together, feeling that streaking blaze of pleasure running through him, to not forget the knowledge that those hands and lips belongs to someone whose blood and flash were the same as that which was running through the veins in his body. It felt so impossibly good…everything was so intense and Fay's body felt so right against his…had he done it out of guilt, did it feel like this because they were brothers?

Fay closed his eyes as he let himself fall back on the bed, drawing himself into a fetal position inviting his brother without words to spoon behind him. The soft rustling of the towel falling with nary an audible sound, the soft press on his bed followed by his brother's warmth securing him with its presence, it is real. This is real, at this moment when Kurogane's hands are exploring him, Tomoyo does not exist, his parents were not his and his brother is not his brother. They were strangers and Kurogane is just another man he met and falls in love with. It is real when Kurogane's face loomed over his as he passed him the bottle of lube and he turns over to look him in the eyes, it is real when Kurogane took it without hesitation spreading his thighs with fingers massaging at his entrance, whispering incoherent sentences that sounds guilty yet helpless to do anything about it.

When they joined, their union spoke of a revelation of their souls. The fortuitous events that brought their destinies colliding together, twines and untwines molding their souls and bodies together like a sculptor blowing glass, puff by puff, their hearts fused in the heat of their ardor, their names engraved on their skin like the press of a feathered quill pen against raw skin by their lips.

Fay gasped and rocked with his brother, his thighs wrapped tight around Kurogane's waist and toes curled up in the shocking intensity and pleasure. The slow even rhythm Kurogane kept pushed like the languid tide on the beach, keeping him hovering on the brink, his body arched and twitched with the effort on holding back his release. Above him Kurogane strained to keep himself from getting lost in the pleasure, tried to focus on his brother's needs instead, his growling groans and hard breathing were the only indication on how hard it is for him to rein it in. But Fay does not want it to end this way. This was the way how Kurogane would make love to Tomoyo. He wants it to be different.

"Don't be careful with me." Fay whispered before he wiped at the sweat at his brother's forehead and pulled him down as he kissed him deeply. He rumbled from within his chest as Kurogane heaved himself up and pulled Fay along without losing their connection, letting Fay straddle his thighs, resting them against the headboard of the bed. Kurogane let out a long groan as he felt himself slide in deeper into his brother's body, and he broke their kiss to bite sharply into Fay's shoulder. That movement and change of position seemed a bit too much for Kurogane. His cock throbbed achingly with the heat and tightness surrounding it. He let out a long drawn moan of deep satisfaction as he gripped Fay's hips with both hands, pulled out to the tip and gave one hard trust back to the hilt, feeling his cock brushing past something that made Fay gasped and knock the back of his head against the wall from the pleasure and the force of it.

The arch of the ivory neck and the press of his brother's pale torso against him, the resemblance so liken to the perfect sculptures of Bernini's replicating the sensations of ecstasy, was such an erotic display of a male body it undid something in him. He continued his forceful rhythm and listened to their panting breathes, the frantic slapping sound of their bodies meeting and the strains of their bodies striving toward that inevitable release. As Fay guided his hand to his shaft leading him in a rhythm that matches his trusts, he heard Fay hiss as his hand wrapped around the velvet hard flesh. Kurogane grunted as he felt that familiar tightening of his groin and the muscles on his thighs quiver as he fought to wait for Fay to come with him, it wasn't seconds before Fay muttered fervently, incoherently as his whole body tensed and trembled. Their release came to them in combined broken cries of passion. Fay clenching hard around Kurogane's shaft throbbing hard as they lose control, bucking and arching against each other, feeling acutely the orgasm that drove the nail of completion of the sin of blood.

They didn't move for a long while as they let their bodies calm, leaning against each other. As the sweat on their body starts to dry and reality starts seeping through, Kurogane pulled out of Fay with a barely heard _sorry._ Fay let him move away, watched him shuffle to the other side of the bed as he suffered the lost of his brother's warmth again. He allowed his brother the time to get lost in his thoughts as he shifted and lay on the bed, letting the soles of his feet brush lightly against Kurogane's thighs. Kurogane only looked at him with questioning eyes and a heavy blanket of pain. There was nothing to be said for what they had just done. They knew what they had felt, the mistake they had chosen to step into with eyes wide open. Fay closed his eyes and prepared his weary heart for whatever that might come next because already, he could feel the regrets creeping up the dark shadow of his brother's silhouette.

Kurogane watched as Fay rest in his fake slumber, there were so many things he wanted to say, so many questions he has yet to ask, but some things were just too complex to explain. Although he felt the regrets clamoring into his soul, he has no wish to elucidate the memories of what had happened and how he felt about that single act of damnation. But the pleasure that was left tingling at his loins is not so easily forgotten, the feeling of his brother under his skin is not something that would fade…and the aversion he felt towards the act has long worn off.

There were mistakes that one should never make and then there were some mistakes one must never make. This unalterable mistake was one of such and the percussions were only beginning to undulate underneath the currents of sexual tension, self doubts and the fragile ties of family bonds. In the eye of the storm before everything blows over, he contemplated the paths that they would have to walk after.

Could he really tell himself that it means nothing now as he looked at the broken wings of an angel that lay fallen by his feet, could he ever fly away with the dreams still dreamt by his mind in the middle of the night; did he still see the world as he did when he was young? When did the love between them changed so drastically when he hadn't yet felt that he had crossed the line? No matter which end one chooses, the questions will never end, even when he is stripped to his bones, bared to the world.

oooooooooo

Kurogane marveled at the vast differences between a woman's and a man's body and how the body experiences pleasure. Nowadays, his body no longer yearns for the same things he used to desire. Everytime his hands run over smooth plump breasts, they transformed in his mind into a flat torso and instead of Tomoyo's dark hazel eyes he saw his brother's instead. Sometimes, he had to bite his lips hard so as not to cry out the wrong name when he comes. He thinks about how sick it is to be fucking his girlfriend only to be thinking of his brother just so he could get off. And he knows exactly how devastating this is if anyone learns about their sad state of affairs. But he couldn't stop himself from wanting his brother.

It has been two months since he first succumbed and the need had only turned stronger. He was addicted to this dangerous liaison. He was starting to find it hard to live without the taste of tobacco and vodka tinted kisses, as much as he hates it. He couldn't sleep without having the scent of his brother's semen and the lingering odor of sex on him. He could no longer look his parents in the eyes when he lies to them on the days he chose to come home. All he wants to do is to dance, but it is no longer the same dance he craves. This dark passion that Fay had ignited in him inspired only a dance drenched with the nectar of sex; a dance that requires no choreography because its steps have been set before men has any knowledge about time. This dance only brings to him a single-minded goal of seeking release; the explosive results of their unspeakable passion.

Today once again, he found himself back in his brother's apartment unable to fight against his will. As he reached out to pull Fay into his arms, he felt the two halves of him at war again, loathing and loving at the same time, disgusted yet titillated at the vulgar way they devoured each other. He tried so hard to figure out what was wrong with him and where were his moral sensibilities? But he would be disingenuous if he denied the fact that a man's body does attract him in certain ways, although he had never expected that hidden desire to spring upon his brother. As he dissects the man that he realized he is becoming, the more contemptuous he gets towards everything that he is. His quest for passion had thoroughly contaminated him, and that lust he felt for his brother had broken him, brought him to his knees and humiliated him by its willful transgression. Before, he could stand proud with dignity…now he only let himself be led by the chains of degradation. But in all his desperateness to redeem himself, Kurogane could not churn up the hate needed to free himself from the vice that is Fay.

Because whatever he thought about and felt would always melt away the minute Fay touches him. He would be reduced to molten wax ready to be plied in whichever ways his brother deems fit to. Although physically he dominates Fay, his emotional centre can never be swayed by anyone but his baby brother.

oooooooooo

Fay searched his brother's eyes for answers to his own questions as their sweat slicked bodies grind together urgent in their need to attain that mind shattering climax, their low quiet moans and panting breathes echoed through the small bedroom. The onslaught of his release made him delirious with pleasure and he spewed a litany of his brother's name, punctuated with soft whimpers and the occasional soft cries as white hot pleasure course through him, his fingers leaving half crescent marks on biceps, much more toned and well defined then his as his hips moved desperately with the furious trusts of his brother. The questions that burden him forgotten temporarily as clouds of whiteness and smoky rainbow tinted puffs burst in the confines of his mind, and then he was coming hard again.

Kurogane looked down at his brother through hooded eyes, feeling the malleable body mold against him in perfection, burning in the heat of their combined passion. He gave a low moan as he felt the pant up lust bubbling from the centre of him, sweat dripping down from his forehead to his neck before landing on ivory skin pinned beneath him. The tight grip of velvet muscles around his cock clamped around him in a power vise of slick slippery heat. He tightens his grip with his right hand on the sharp lean curves of his brother's hip to better angle his trusts, and then he felt the tension coming loose and before the heady ecstasy overcomes him, he whispered into Fay's ear feeling his lithe body still trembling from its own release, words that professed his satisfaction.

Fay's body shook with recognition through the haze of pleasure at the voice that had grunted him his bliss, and he shudder with a strangled throaty moan as he felt his brother's seed spreading its warmth within him at the same time. The intense maelstrom of their climax left both of them spent, boneless and well sated. Kurogane pulled out gently feeling his brother shiver slightly from it, and lay beside Fay stroking his hair lazily; both not bothered about the sticky wetness on their bodies.

"I love you, baby brother." Kurogane said softly, his chest still rising and falling in an unsteady rhythm.

Fay didn't react as much as he wanted to scream to the whole world on the love he held for Kurogane, because his concession was bittersweet knowing that his brother's warmth still had to be shared with someone else. But the separation of emotions when Kurogane said those words brought him back to the state of his inner anguish, he needed to know what his brother truly felt because he sees in those crimson eyes the same torment he had suffered before…and probably more so now.

He wondered if there was any point in eluding the fact that this is not going to last between them. This happiness of getting to love his brother, how long will it be his? His heart suffers the contradiction of love every moment they are together. One day, his brother would say the words and he is just waiting for the day when it happens. Life seems to be a waste sometimes when all you do is to spend it waiting, everything and every step is one long wait. He didn't believe in fairytales. He shouldn't have much difficulty waiting for this to end. It is so ironic when he had been waiting his whole life for this to happen, and now he is waiting for it to end when it had only barely begun. He had wanted someone to be his, someone to be the one who will take care of him, it was so simple and the only thing he wanted was this and him. Why couldn't he have it?

If he had accepted Dean's offer of affection, would it have been better? He might probably never love Dean back, but at least he would get to experience how it felt to be love by someone. Dean might be a bastard at times but it didn't escape Fay's notice that he had not had anyone else ever since they met. He had not told Dean about the developments between him and his brother. It wasn't necessary to. Although he disallow Dean any entrance into his current life, only meeting the green eye man at the club where they worked together, they still maintained their sexual relations. Why? He doesn't have an answer but he felt that the gratitude of Dean's strange devotion to him can only be repaid through such acts.

Fay knows the relationship was not only beyond the limits of morality and controversy; it had entered into the realm of bizarre. He had always thought things will change if he had his brother but nothing had. Kurogane still had a girlfriend, he still kept at his wild partying lifestyle and his dubious excuse for a job and they were no nearer to being free from the burdens of their hearts. The only thing that he had managed to change was that he managed to get everyone to end up as twisted as he is. They were all thrown into living a life of deception to themselves, creating a strange sexual dependency on each other and an unhealthy addiction for carnal pleasure. All these caused another question to surface in his mind…did he really understand what he wants from love?

"Do I deserve you, Kuro?" Fay asked not daring to look into those crimson eyes, afraid to see more then he had the courage to know. Kurogane took a deep breath as he felt the weigh of the question knowing that any answer would be a double edge sword. He only left a great pause hanging in the air. Some people say that silence is also a form of communication and in the silence, those bits of realities become.

ooooooooo

"I won't be joining you guys tonight." Kurogane announced to her once she stepped into the dressing room.

Tomoyo looked at him through his reflection on the mirror, framed with yellowish warm light bulbs and wondered what will be his excuse tonight again. He seemed to be in a hurry to leave as he tore out of his costume and rubbed roughly at the make-up on his skin.

"It's a celebratory party for the opening of the performance. You can't…_not_ _be there_."

"I'm sorry but I promised my broth…" he explained impatiently.

"Stop using Fay as an excuse!" Tomoyo burst out, "I don't know what's going on but you're just not with me for the past couple of weeks! If you've met someone else why don't you be open about it? It's not like I wasn't expecting it!"

Kurogane slowly put down the piece of wet tissue in his hand, a sudden relief flooded through him when he realized Tomoyo is no where near discovering about his illicit affair.

"There's no one else, Tomoyo. Don't be imaging things on your own." He said quietly. The lie that just came out was just one of the many that he had said ever since it started, but the bitter taste of it was just as strong.

"Then why don't you invite Fay along instead?" Tomoyo demanded with a look that seems to dare him to contradict her qualms.

"I can't…he can't. He starts work in less then three hours and he needs his rest."

"Then why are you going over?"

"Why can't you have some trust in me? My mobile is on. You can call me anytime." Kurogane says brusquely hoping that this conversation would die away as soon as possible. It is impossibly uncomfortable to have Tomoyo clinging on so tightly to her instinct and grilling him about her suspicions.

Tomoyo crossed her arms infront of her and took a step back out the door, a subtle sign of retreat. She didn't want to push him, least he broke up with her there and then. He could deny all he wanted but a woman's intuition is also seldom wrong.

"Could you come after you have finished whatever you need to do with Fay then?" she conceded, "You know those guys won't end the night till they are piss drunk."

Kurogane sighed knowing that this is the least that he could do to ease her doubts and nodded as he walked towards her, pulling her into an apologetic hug without words. He ran his fingers up and down her forearm, all the while thinking about how what to say to Fay next because he had promised to stay the night.

Tomoyo relaxed uneasily into the embrace wondering when this ocean had appeared between them, she could still feel the dependency of her heart upon his. No matter what had changed between them, she still wants to be part of his life. She hoped he still believed that she will be there for him but she could no longer believe if he will be there for her. Perhaps she should give up because their love was too young to hurt any deeper then it should. Everytime when she thought that she had gotten near enough to Kurogane, he would turn distant. Despite all their physical intimacy, it was as if they never stepped past the borders of friendship and the initial attraction they had for each other.

Now even as she suffered the touch of his absent minded caresses, she thought about how love steals away the most precious parts of you. They often say love makes one feels complete, whole, but that wasn't how she felt at all. Every bit of happiness she gained, she was afraid of losing it. Every step taken with him had only proved that the ground they walked on together was shakier then before and her heart was always bound by tension, waiting for something to happen. Where was the security, where were the pieces of the puzzle that would complete her? She was still waiting for him to give them to her.

ooooooooo

The man in the theatre dances to a fast rhythm. The piano piece blaring from the speakers had already lost its harmonious melody and to his ears, all he hears is a distorted wail of a mute's anguish. His knees already weak like jelly and threatening to give was forced relentlessly to move, just so the exhaustion could make him forget the guilt so deeply entrenched within. His mind was cloudy as it lost all its concentration, spinning just as fast as his turns. It shows in his hurried movements. His limbs were throwing themselves out in angry strokes, their stretches short and jerky. Distraction, he thought, all he needs is another distraction because whatever lies between him and his brother was supposed to be another abstraction.

Everything is wrong; all the things that have been upright in his life had turned upside down. Three months down the road, the fights were only ever increasing with both of them. The frustrations of leading a double life is starting to tear him apart and he could only blame himself for this situation. He is the deceitful betrayal with ulterior motives, when both of them had been honest with their intentions from the start. He is caught up in between, not knowing which fork in the road would be his best choice, and his selfish heart was reluctant to give up either of them. He needed _her_ for the hope she gave for his future, he needed _him_ for his need to feel alive. Both are essential, both are part of him, his left and right hand, heart and blood.

But he had to ask himself….if he had to ask something out of life, what would he ask for? Would his priority be the superficial needs of daily life, or, something infinitely more profound? Will it be love or to just simply know what the true context of contentment?

He wanted to not do anything at all and stay there still like a statue hoping that everything bad would vanish but he could feel the burden of strain that time has placed on him, and in its hand was the inescapable rock of truth. He cannot pretend that it was oblivious, but to run away and be the coward was just as difficult and as selfish an act to perform. Because in the end everyone will be hurt one way or another, the monumental stake that was being gambled on his one decision was more then he could imagine.

Even if everything had ended could he truly forget? How does he forget about another who once shared the most intimate knowledge of his body? They were flash and blood and inextricably linked for better or worse, could he bear to cut away this blood tie? These doubts and questions kept creeping upon him like the hazy figure of a ghost from the corner of his eyes, refusing to disappear.

But the more he tried to forget, the more Fay tugged on his memories, like a weight that was hooked to his being, pulling it down with devastating passion and unbidden lust. He had always search for that elusive definition of passion. He found it but was it worth it to let everything fall apart? He had given in to this impulse and in their little world that was built within the walls of that tiny apartment; he failed to see the consequences that their actions had caused. Yet, he could not bring himself to hurt Tomoyo. He doesn't love her enough to do it.

When love couldn't give you a deadline and when you are at a breaking point, how far would you still go? He knows everything has to end when he realized the fondness in his heart has long gone cold, and had turned into feelings of heaviness of dread. What hurts the most was that they were so close, and to know what could have been and that they will have to walk away from it all. He loves Fay…so much…so much. He had spent his whole life looking out for him and Fay had been the only person who understands him the most, inside out. And because he loves his baby brother more than life itself, he could not bring them full circle down the path of destruction. He had sin enough by giving in his desires; he had used his brother's body by taking advantage of his feelings. Since Kurogane could not give him a future, he would give Fay his present. The best thing to right everything was to let go and return his brother the freedom that he never had. He no longer wants to see his brother's heart hanging from a thread; waiting for something he can never have…he could never give.

Everyone carries their own sins; the only difference is how one deals with it to appease their conscience.


	2. Chapter 2

**This is the re-edited version of Chapter two which Lokeygirl helped with. I did another round of editing again to smooth out the corners, but as I'm not a too detailed person, there might still be some mistakes left. Do let me know if you guys spot any. Thanks! : )**

**It's Never Over **

**Part II**

The piano recital of Somewhere in Time played softly from the stereo, the aching wistfulness of the melody heralding the disheartening scene that would soon erupt in the living room. Two figures were entwined on the sofa wrapped in a bubble of intimacy, their features soft and tender as they absorbed each others' presence. The man with jet-black hair and crimson eyes sat upright gazing at the person lying on his lap, fingering the fine golden hair splayed across his jean clad thighs. In his mind, the history of their brotherhood played once more, as if wanting to weaken the resolve on the decision he has made. How could he hurt another who had loved him so unconditionally for the whole of his life?

He remembered his brother's innocent fawning on the state of his health when he had contracted chicken pox at ten years old, the elation they both felt when they won the inter-high school dance competition, the first time they had gottten piss-drunk at a schoolmate's party, the road trip they had taken to Vegas and what a wild time they had. He also remembered the pride he had felt as an older brother when Fay had been chosen to represent their high school in a nationwide showcase of budding talents in Arts, and the following disappointment when Fay had been offered a scholarship from Courtauld Institute and his subsequent refusal to accept it. He hadn't understood why then, but he knew now the reasons that Fay had declined the opportunity of a lifetime. There were so many other memories that were dear to him, all of which flashed through his mind like a pictorial slide show, from the first moment when Fay was brought home and placed into his gangly arms.

Kurogane blinked his eyes as he contemplated the current situation they were stuck in. His casual and relaxed display was a bad cover for the turmoil within. He had thought about what he would say for days but he could find no way to make it easier. He knew it would break his brother more than it would hurt himself but he reckons they would survive. Especially more so for Fay so that he could find his way out of his state of life, and learn how it was to love someone without the stronghold of obsession.

"Fay… I've been thinking…" Kurogane started haltingly; he was quickly losing the eloquence to say what was needed before he had even started. The torrent of fear, doubts, and guilt ruffled his masked bravado, making him feel keenly the pain that would soon strike his brother. Fay turned his face to him and pulled away to sit up against the armrest of the sofa. He waited with the innocent expectance of a child. Kurogane swallowed the lump in his throat and braced himself for the worst.

"This thing between us… we have to stop…" His voice faltered again as he saw Fay's face fall, but this would necessary; he had to push through it. "I want you to find someone who can love you the way you want… I mean it's just too complicated… Wouldn't it be better if you move on from here?"

Somewhere in the middle of Kurogane's speech of betrayal, Fay attempted to withdraw into himself as he caught onto the gist of what his brother wanted. His soul searched for cover in the maze within his head, looking for a safe alcove to seek refuge in. There was a myth that the foolish in love had created, in their attempt to beautify and to give love a deeper meaning and intensity, a lover, meant to be your soul mate that would always be able to look through the window of your soul. They would understand your thoughts and see the deepest parts of your souls. It was all bullshit, Fay thought. If it were true, Kurogane would not be saying anything like this.

"Move on?" Fay whispered in a daze as he reached out for his pack of cigarettes on the table. He shook one out of the box and lit it with trembling fingers. As much as he had prepared himself for this conversation, he will never be ready for it. He knew this would happen one day, so why did he feel so devastated now? He couldn't hear clearly and between puffs on his cigarette, he swallowed hard and tried to rid himself of the vacuum muffling all the sounds in his ears. How could someone just relinquish their hold on somebody they claimed to love so easily? Where was the man that had held him tight in his arms, who had loved him through the night and whose lips had worshipped his skin and his flesh? It is not the man sitting in front of him right now!

"I don't want to listen to this," Fay said as he took another deep puff. "Not now… not like this." He continued as he drew his feet up onto the sofa, trying to huddle and hide into himself. But the walls around his heart weren't being built fast enough; they were crumbling even as he stacked the bricks again, and again, and again.

"There are things that I can't see clearly now. I'm not sure how to feel about you any more…if we're lovers, are we still brothers, and if we're still brothers, then this is an abomination and we cannot continue." Kurogane said softly in a grave desperate tone, his hands yearning to reach out and comfort the man in front of him but he knew any contact now will only weaken him. "We have to let this go… imagine what would happen if mum and dad found out about this?"

Fay's shuttered up emotions immediately picked up the cowardly and insulting justification of his brother's. This wasn't about their parents; it was about his inability to deal with the truth of what they had done. He did not want to deal with the consequences of their desires. It was a weak excuse, Fay thought, and there was no reason for him to accept such an unworthy retreat.

"Did you think of them then, when you are coming inside me? When you're holding my cock and telling me how much you love it?" Fay asked without expression and an even more non-emotive tone. He wasn't going to make it easier for Kurogane. If he had to face the truth about the flaws of his brother's character alone, he wanted to make sure that his brother realized his own failures too. And it worked. Kurogane felt the sear of that question like it was acid thrown onto his face and before he realized what he was doing, a resounding slap was heard and a surprised gasp mingled with pain echoed through the small apartment.

Fay glared at the man in front of him, azure eyes burning with hatred and hurt. His hand cradled his now swelling cheek that was throbbing in pain. It was the first time Kurogane had laid his hand on him and he retaliated with scathing hate as he threw himself on his brother, clawing and throwing punches wildly without any real aim, screaming and sobbing at the same time. Kurogane just stood and let Fay hit him as tears welled up in his own eyes. There was nothing more he could do right now apart from the weak mumbles of apology that choked up in his throat and tumbled out of his lips, like chunks of glass that he could no longer chew on. The meanings of his apologies are pointless and insignificant now in the magnitude of Fay's anger.

Kurogane didn't know how long Fay's outburst continued and when it had stopped. He only knew they were gripping on to each other like they would to a lifeline of hope when he brought himself back to the immediate moment, and he was burying his nose and breathing in the scent of his brother, breathing as if he was never going to breathe again. He didn't want to do this to Fay, he thought, as his heart split and warred against his conscience again. There is so much love here… so much. But words spoken can never be taken back and the hurt that you've carved onto someone else's heart can never be undone, and if something is meant to be over, there is no point in avoiding the inevitable.

Fay took a deep breath as he gathered himself and pulled away from the wistful embrace. This was his brother and no matter what was asked of him he would give, because he had never learned how to say 'no' to Kurogane. In some ways, it was very much his own fault too for developing such incestuous feelings towards his brother.

"Get out. I don't ever want to see you again, ever." He said voice eerily calm as he walked into his bedroom and closed the door. He stared at the space infront of him, and let himself fall apart. He sat down on the edge of his bed and wept like he had never wept before, broken at last. Maybe, Fay thought, he was born to die the moment he was born alive. He should perhaps consider the death of his heart as a release because the wait for this love to be requited had been killing him the moment it started.

"I love you, Fay," Kurogane said weakly from outside the door. "But I can't hurt her. She doesn't deserve it."

Fay could hear the soft slide of callous fingers on wood, tight harsh breathing muffled by the thickness of the door. He stood and walked back to the door placing his own palm on the spot where he could picture his brother's hand on the opposite side, and leaned his forehead against the it, a last attempt to capture their ties through lifeless wood. It was over, just like that, in a span of minutes. How is it that a few minutes could change one's life? This is how it is, like a building demolished by explosives. Fay did not bother to ask why it had to be him, then. He was no longer listening as he burrowed his way into the past, where he had not yet discovered the true feelings he harbored towards Kurogane, when none of this pain had existed for him yet. He brooded briefly in anger, an itch to throw everything in sight that reminded him of his brother, but the truth was, the things you threw away will only ever be things. It does nothing to lighten the heaviness within.

oooooooooo

Kurogane fiddled with the velvet box resting within the depths of his pocket. The box that was supposed to contain his salvation for his conscience is working against him instead, the weight of his mistakes bore on his heart. He felt that he had to do something right in order to repent the wrong he did. If this could prevent another person from being hurt, then that is what he would do. He wondered if Tomoyo would like the ring, a complicated knitted matte silver wire design with its row of diamonds encased within its surface. It had cost him a limb. He hoped it would be worth it in the end. It has to.

"Hey! Where are you bringing me exactly?" Tomoyo demanded as she gave his hand a tug, distracting him from his private thoughts.

Kurogane looked up and hoped he projected what he thought was a secretive smile.

"We'll be there soon… actually we're very near," He replied as he caught the distance crash of waves against the shores. "Come here, I can't have you peeking at your surprise." He continued as he pulled Tomoyo in front of him and closed his hands over her eyes, slowly guiding her to the place where he had sat up the candle-lit dinner he had prepared.

Tomoyo couldn't help but giggle as the nervousness she sensed from Kurogane rubbed off onto her, and she tripped a bit as her feet suddenly found themselves on uneven ground. She could hear a gentle crashing of waves from a distance ahead of her.

Kurogane grimaced at the sound of Tomoyo's giggling away, and his legs starting feeling like lead. He had to fight a sudden urge to run. "We're here," Kurogane whispered softly by her ear, his warm breath causing goosebumps to grow along her most sensitive area of skin, an image of Fay shivering in need, arching against him as he kissed and nibbled along his earlobe came to mind, Kurogane blinked and grinded his teeth at the memory. _It's Tomoyo. Not him. _He thought viciously and shoved the memory aside, but he couldn't fight the physical respond. He was already half hard. He moved an inch further away from Tomoyo, not wanting for her to feel _that_.

Tomoyo gasped as Kurogane took his hands off her. She stood speechless and immensely moved, and tears started welling in her eyes as she absorbed the sight infront of her: the table sat near the edge of the cliff with tea candles in glass lanterns illuminating the area, and there were a bunch of roses that laid on the table, and soft music playing on the side, completing the romantic ambience. She clutched her chest and sighed.

"This is all so beautiful…"

"I was hoping you'd say that." Kurogane replied as he led her gently by the elbow and sat her down on the opposite side of the table.

"Thank you…" Tomoyo said as she watched Kurogane take out a bottle of wine from a cooler hiden beneath the table. "I don't know what the occasion is and why you're doing this, but thank you because I love it. This is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me," she said, her eyes sparkling.

Kurogane looked away quickly as guilt stabbed at his heart when he saw the love Tomoyo held in her eyes for him… such a deceitful and callous man he was. An image of his brother hunched on the sofa crying alone came to mind and he shoved it brutally away again, not wanting to be reminded of anything about his brother while he was with Tomoyo.

"Shall we start?" He asked, gesturing at the food in front of them.

They went for a slow stroll by the waterfront after the quiet dinner. Kurogane was listening patiently as Tomoyo talked about her dreams and of their future at the dancing school. Kurogane listened half-interested as other thoughts filled his restless mind. His hand fidgeted with the box again and he thought he might as well get it over and done with. He wasn't sure why, but the urgency to do it and hear Tomoyo say yes to him suddenly became of paramount importance.

He slowed his footsteps to a stop and waited for Tomoyo to turn back to look at him.

"Tomoyo…" Kurogane said as he noted the confusion in his girlfriend's eyes, "I hope this is not too sudden…"

"Are you breaking up with me?" she cut in suddenly.

Kurogane barked out a nervous laugh.

"No… what made you think that? We just had the most wonderful evening…" he paused as he walked towards her, pulling out the ring from the box at the same time. Tomoyo's face quickly changed to one of dawning apprehension as she lifted her hand over her mouth after letting out a gasp. "Tomoyo, will you marry me?" he said.

Tomoyo blinked hard as the tears came unbidden and she nodded her head slowly before replying with a soft 'yes'.

ooooooooo

She twirled around in front of the mirror admiring the silhouette of her body in the tight bodice of the wedding gown. Kurogane was still in the fitting room trying on his suit. Although their wedding was scheduled for six months later, Tomoyo thought it might cut down the hassle if they had the minor details ironed out first. In her mind, she was already planning their honeymoon. She had always wanted to visit Europe. She fervently prayed that they would have enough money left for a two week trip to the various hotspots she would have liked to visit. Behind her, she heard the rustling of the heavy drapes that covered the fitting room being pulled aside. She turned around and was rewarded with the sight of her soon-to-be-husband in a dashing tuxedo.

"You are looking fine, honey." She trilled sweetly.

Kurogane gave her a waned smile and offered similar praises to her listlessly; his mind distracted and his thoughts still lingering around Fay. In his mind, the image of his brother soaked in tears and wasted haunted his every waking moment. He did not know what he could do to elevate this feeling of guilt that ate at him from the inside. Even though he knew he had done the right thing, he found himself feeling even more ashamed and still unable to face his parents. He couldn't even tell Tomoyo that he loved her without looking away from her warm hazel eyes. It was the same dilemma that had him trapped from the start of his sexual awakening.

He had heard from those religious people who always preached about the power of redemption, the cleansing of one's soul when one confesses to his misdeeds, and the giving of themselves to higher powers above. But nothing had happened to him even when he had forsaken the temptation of his wrongs. He did not feel the lightness of being absolved. Maybe it was because forgiveness did not come directly from the person he had hurt.

"Is this _the dress_ you've been looking for?" he attempted asking in a teasing manner, noting with despondence that it sounded like he was obviously trying too hard. It was totally unnatural. He didn't talk like this, ever. It was funny because he always thought Tomoyo to be a very perceptive person, but here she was missing all the nuances of his behavior, and that spoke volumes about Tomoyo being the person that he is going to marry.

Tomoyo gave him a resplendent smile and nodded her head.

"You know, I still can't believe that we're doing this." Tomoyo said softly as she looked dreamily into his eyes.

"Are you starting to regret your decision?" he asked, hardly surprised to find himself half hoping for Tomoyo to agreed, and that she wanted to get out of this ridiculous union.

"No, never… It's just that… why me?"

"Wouldn't love be enough of a reason?" Kurogane replied. Tomoyo paused for a moment, and all previous thoughts of Tomoyo not being able to read him as well as his brother were swiped away from his mind.

Tomoyo tried to prevent her brows from frowning and the disappointment from showing from her face. She had never heard those three words from Kurogane before and it had since become a natural to accept the fact that he might probably never say it during the period of their courtship. But something nagged at her. If they were getting married, he must be firm about his feelings. And if he was firm, then why wasn't he proclaiming his love to her...? Even if actions spoke louder than words, she just wanted to hear it from him, a simple affirmation of his love to her.

"You've never told me that you love me, not even when you proposed." Tomoyo stated as her eyes cleared, the euphoria of getting married to a man she wanted so much was rapidly being replaced by the shadow of a doubt. She searched his eyes, trying to read his expression so as to gauge his answer.

"Of course I do. I… I do... love you. That's why I wanted to marry you, share my life with you," he forced out, trying desperately to school his features into one of calmness and resolution, afraid that Tomoyo would see through his deceit. He felt like a thorough cad at that moment. Why was he doing this? He could have simply told her that he didn't love her, that he treasured her more as a dear friend then someone whom he truly loves. But everything had turned complicated the moment he admitted to his feelings towards his brother, and she was the only person whom he thought strong enough to tide him through this. It was at that moment that he realized how deep a grave he had dug himself into. Despite all the faith, trust, and love that Fay had for him... he had chosen to worm his way out by making the cowardly decision to marry Tomoyo in order to escape the tangles of their affair. He had gotten someone innocent embroiled in the indecisiveness of his heart.

God... he really don't know what he was doing anymore.

Tomoyo blinked as she looked away from her fiancée's face to the trail of the wedding gown pooling around her feet. The hesitant tone of his declaration had not been firm or fast enough.

He was obviously lying.

oooooooooo

Tomoyo pressed the doorbell insistently, she knew she shouldn't be here, but she needed answers to her questions. Fay must be privy to Kurogane's most inner thoughts since they were so close to each other. As she stood there waiting for the occupant within to open the door, she contemplated if this was really what she wanted, if she was ready for whatever truths that she might learn from Fay. But she would be getting married soon and living a life full of mistrust and doubts toward her other half was not an option for her.

Fay looked through the peephole, his heart palpating as his brows pulled together into a severe frown when he saw who the person was on the opposite side of his front door. Tomoyo was the last person he wanted see right now. He was sorely tempted to ignore her. He drew in a deep breathe and schooled his features into one of indifference before opening the door to greet her. He perpended the various reasons as to why she was here, ignoring the condition of his pitiful heart and remembered that he had been left behind because of her.

Tomoyo startled slightly when the door opened, no matter how many times she rehearsed the words she wanted to say, she couldn't help feeling flighty. It must have been strange for her insistence on meeting him when she could have just cleared the issue with her husband-to-be.

"Hi… Fay… is this a good time for you? I hope I'm not interrupting anything important." She greeted the blonde hesitantly, noting the irritation that flashed past those sapphire eyes, along with something else akin to resentment.

"I'm not tied up with anything at the moment but I need to be out by 4:30 for work. What is it?" Fay answered brusquely tapping on his wrist watch for emphasis on the limited time he could offer. Though in truth, he didn't have to bother about work at all. The club had terminated his services when he failed to show up for work, consecutively for days on end, a week ago.

Tomoyo gave a helpless smile, not paying attention to the look of exhaustion on the blonde's face due to her own distractions.

"I needed to talk to you regarding your brother." Tomoyo said in a tone which she hoped to be casual.

Fay panicked momentarily thinking that Tomoyo might have found out what have been going on them, but she was too poise and calm to be talking about such a sensitive subject. So he squashed the waves of anxiety as he waved her into the apartment. He didn't move beyond the doorway and left the door open while waiting for her to speak, not wanting to give her the impression that he was about to get cozy when discussing about Kurogane. Tomoyo, thankfully, seems to have gotten the hint. Her eyes darted back and forth between Fay and the door as she shuffled uncomfortably in her heels, adjusting the strap of her handbag before she spoke again

"Did your brother tell you that we're getting married?"

Fay felt the blood within his veins chill when he heard the news. This was the very last thing that he had been expecting. It was a final act of betrayal to their illicit relationship, one that was meant to force a disengagement from Kurogane's life. How many times did his brother have to fail him before he gave up any semblance of hope? Still even in his mounting despair and rage, Fay found that he had enough in him to pity Tomoyo. The disparity between their positions couldn't have been more obvious. At the very least, he was abandoned because of love, whereby she was just a pawn in their game of perversity. Yet, no matter what the outcome, it was obvious no one was going to turn up victorious.

"I think he mentioned something about it," Fay replied, his voice terse and tight with restrained anger. "Is there anything I should be concern about?"

Tomoyo flinched at Fay's reaction, unable to understand why Fay was displeased upon hearing the good news.

"What was _that _for?" she asked, genuinely curious.

Fay, aware of how fast he was losing control over his emotions, composed himself before he answered,

"Nothing," he answered with a tight smile. "So you wanted to talk?"

"Oh, yes…" Tomoyo continued as she blinked her eyes and told herself not to read too much into Fay's reaction, and walked into the apartment without further invitation. Fay followed dourly behind, and sat a fair distance away from Tomoyo. He noted her discomfort at his reaction and threw her a cold glance.

"I can tell you're really unhappy over this, so I'll get straight to the point." Tomoyo said, drawing to her own conclusion that Fay really was feeling disgruntled toward her for some reason or another, "I want to know if your brother is serious about me."

"He proposed didn't he? Isn't that the greatest assurance that a woman can have about a man's feelings towards her."

"I'm in love, not stupid."

"Then don't marry him if you're not sure. Isn't that simple?"

"What?"

"He wants you as his wife. How could he not be into you?' Fay replied with a caustic sneer.

"But he doesn't love me. I can see it in his eyes. He couldn't even say it to my face."

"This isn't a conversation you should be having with me?" Fay bit out impatiently, a clear declaration that he was not interested and not liking where the conversation was headed right now.

"I know you don't like this, but you're the closest person to him and I think he tells you everything…perhaps …things that he doesn't feel safe enough telling me."

Fay took a long hard look at her before leaning back onto the sofa.

"What is it that you want to know?"

"Is there someone else in his life?"

Fay felt completely mystified about how the woman's mind worked. How could a commitment of a lifetime bring more doubts? He thought she was too desperate for affirmations. Shouldn't she be content and accept what she had been offered, or was she too insecure in herself to commit? In his mind, a vague theory formed.

"Are you really in love with my brother, or is he just too good for you to pass over?" Fay asked.

"What has that got to do with my question?"

Fay did not reply as he shuffled across the seat, intruding rudely into her personal space, getting much closer then he should be. He lifted a hand and fingered the black locks framing the sides of her heart shaped face, feeling the softness of it. He gazed at those pink lips and wondered how Kurogane felt when he kissed them. Are they as pliant as his? Do they taste like his own? He continued to lean forward with eyes opened, intensely scrutinizing brown molten ones. He waited for any signs of a protest, but there was none forthcoming. So he surged past the last few centimeters and claimed her lips, pulling her into a harsh kiss. Immediately, he found himself abhorring the feel, taste and scent of her, everything that was her was a stark reminder of his own loss. How could his brother bring himself to make love to a person whose kisses tasted like cold metal?

Tomoyo knew she should have reacted violently against this, but she couldn't. Instead, she pressed into the kiss, providing a reaction that proved her weakness. Those eyes that were so beautifully mesmerizing had always held her entranced, and when she was fixed with that questioning gaze, burning with an emotion she couldn't name. She had fallen for Fay's cheap ruse. She had to admit that she always held a questionable curiosity about the younger brother. She had indeed been tempted before until he revealed that he was only interested men. And it was in that moment when his tongue swiped hers that she understood the whole point of what Fay was trying to point out. Instead of feeling remorseful about her own fault, she retaliated with unjustified anger against the blonde for spotting her weakness with such precision. She lifted her hands up and shoved hard at Fay. He landed on the floor with a bark of short, harsh laughs, looking pleased that he had managed to jar her this much. He brushed his lips with his index finger, still wet from the kiss, and stuck it into his mouth, deliberately licking it lavishly before extracting it and speaking with a calculating drawl.

"This is what I think you should be asking yourself? Are you sure you want to marry my brother?"

Tomoyo turned her face away, face red and heated from anger and embarrassment.

"How dare you do this to me?" she cried out.

"_How dare I?"_ he hissed, "I should be the one asking you, bitch! You took him away from me!" Fay roared once he heard that accusation. His anger fueled by the fact that his brother was willing to sacrifice him for a woman who couldn't even promise her fidelity to him in return for his commitment. How could she have the audacity to take what was his and turn around to point her finger at him? He thought it didn't matter that she was ignorant to what had happened between him and Kurogane; it did not make her any less guilty from his perspective.

When secrets are built upon secrets, they will become a wall so impermeable, and then, what would that make of their lives? When the secrets spill and the truth is made known, who is to say whom the real victim is and who is the real perpetrator? Maybe everyone is a little of both, we hurt and we get hurt, and sometimes one just can't afford to be the good guy anymore. Sometimes, you drive down the lethal stab that frees you from your own pain, and you do it in the blink of an eye because of damned principles, morals, and love, when you're the one who is going to lose everything in the end. Fay knew it, and so he'd had to let go once again and carry the sign of the sinner for everyone because it wouldn't have made a difference in his life when he had been already destined to lose. It wasn't hard to tell that he and his brother had only been finding convenient outlets, pushing, bending, and forcing to see who would get to the breaking point first. He was not so much of a fool to not realize that their kind of love was too desperate, too dangerous to last. Since he had nothing more to lose, why should his secrets remain sacred? There was no reason to suffer the lost all by himself.

"Did you ever sit to think about the reason he's with you?" Fay pushed as soon as he saw the weakness of doubts appearing in Tomoyo's eyes. "He's with you because you offered him a place where he could escape who he really is. Aren't you curious about what kind of person he really is under his mask?" he continued as he sat back to let the reality of the situation sink into her.

Tomoyo said nothing as her face paled and her eyes widened. She tensed in her anticipation of what she felt to be a nasty surprise waiting for her at the end of the question.

Fay leaned forward with a cold smirk.

"He likes men… and he likes me too. Did he tell you we fucked? We were doing it even when you were with him." Fay said vindictively as he continued leaning towards Tomoyo's face until he was barely an arm's length away, "Don't you feel disgusted about kissing me now?"

"How could you be so vile as to lie about this kind of thing?" Tomoyo whispered with a pained expression and trembling voice.

Fay thought that Tomoyo's naivety was astounding, and her innocence caused such envy and jealousy within him. He gave a bitter, short laugh as he regarded her with eyes that showed everything that he was feeling at the moment and defeat as well. She was so innocent, so untainted, so deserving of his brother's love. Unlike him. He only knew how to tear things apart and destroy other people's livee. That might have been the only thing he would ever have been good for. He knew he had lost everything the moment he had told her the truth because Kurogane would never forgive him for this.

"Why don't you ask your _beloved_ fiancée instead of me? Maybe he will be able to clarify if this is a lie or not," Fay spat out at her.

Kurogane came home that evening to find both his parents out and Tomoyo sitting on the swing at the porch waiting for him. He knew immediately that something was wrong; she looked like she had been crying.

"Hey…why are you here? I thought you'll be attending Mischa's performance at Central Hall today." Kurogane said as he jogged up the short flight of steps on the front porch. Now that he was up close, he could see how swollen her eyes really were. She must have been crying for a long while.

"Change of plans, I met your brother instead." She said calmly, her eyes fixed on his, unflinching, expecting.

He was momentarily shocked but quickly schooled his expression into one of placidity hoping that Tomoyo hadn't perspicaciously caught on to that. She had noticed it of course, the shock of what Fay had said to her made her unpleasantly aware of the nuances of Kurogane's every minute expression. But the worst thing was he didn't even ask why she had visited Fay, wasn't even curious but was immediately tensed and guarded. He knows she wasn't close to Fay at all, that much was obvious.

"How is he? I haven't seen him recently." He replied and sat beside her on the swing instead of opposite her so that she couldn't see his face completely. His posture ramrod straight and tensed, his thoughts froze as he stumbled and vexed over why did Tomoyo made that unannounced visit to Fay.

Tomoyo bit the insides of her cheeks hard. She cannot believe she did not see the signs of guilt that were radiating all over from Kurogane before. She had been sitting here thinking about what Fay had told her for a long while. She has difficulties accepting the facts that Fay had so cruelly spat at her. She had thought those words were said out of jealousy of losing a brother's affection. Alas, the signs were right infront of her all this while and she wondered why she hadn't seen them earlier. All those meaningful gazes and lingering touches she had seen passed between them when Kurogane brought her with him on short dinner outings with Fay, the way he called him his _baby brother_. The _'baby'_ that was heavily inundated with such intimate undercurrents, and then, there were those times when he had touched her with a distant look in his eyes, as if he was thinking about someone else.

She wondered why none of that connected in such a manner previously. Even the blind could tell that the love and care the brothers shared, had been much deeper and intimate then normal siblings shared. She had debated on whether she wanted to confront Kurogane regarding Fay's claims. She knew whatever answer she received will tear everything apart, but to not know the truth seems to be an even more torturous decision. She was afraid that she might not have the strength to bring the relationship to an end. She fear even if the deed was true, she might still choose the deceitful embrace of Kurogane's arms if he was determined to honor his responsibilities towards her. But that thought crawled under her skin, made her want to puke and vehemently told her that would be worst mistake she will be making in her life. She wanted love, not obligations and she has no idea if she could bring herself to marry someone who had slept with their own flesh and blood.

It is disgusting.

Perhaps, she thinks, she will just have to learn how to be lonely once more. There won't be much collateral damaged left behind by this short love, her soul and heart will still be intact even if her ego and pride had been bruised, but she doubts that the actions of Kurogane would hurt Fay less. She saw how consumed Fay was with the love felt for Kurogane and, as much as it appalled her, she had to wonder if she could love someone like this. This unanswered question, like the questions she has not the courage to ask Kurogane, left a huge void in her. Yet, the void gave her the courage to accept the books of secrets that was to be unveiled to her. Her path was made easy, all she had to do was walk away. Her conscience was clear, she wasn't the weak link in their lives and neither was Fay. Kurogane was the weak link. If only he had been strong and had said no to his curiosity and had acted as a brother to Fay to talk things through instead of falling for this unnatural desire, everything would have been different. But he was not.

"Did you do it?" Tomoyo asked with façade of resigned serenity.

"What are you talking about?" Kurogane pretended to ask all the while feeling the blood in his arteries freezing over. Kurogane felt terrified. He didn't know if avoiding the question would be better for him and every one else in the long run.

"Don't play the fool with me! I deserved some honesty from you!"

Kurogane knows that there is no back peddling in his situation. He was going to lose her regardless of whether she knew the truth or not because he couldn't live with her for the rest of her life keeping this lie between them. It will never work out and it is not what he envisions their marriage to be. There was no simple solution or things that he could say to get himself off. The cards were all on the table tonight…

oooooooooo

Tomoyo's last words lingered in his mind and refused to die away. How could he be forgiven yet still hated? He remembered her face, how she looked like before she walked away. Her expression was an eerie replica of Fay's since he last saw him, numb and glazed. The only difference was that Tomoyo still had some fire left in her. He couldn't miss the hatred glowing from the pits of her eyes, the revulsion toward what he had done and the sadness of being betrayed in such a manner. He treasured her dearly and to know that he had placed all those emotions there, carved a canyon of lamentation unbridgeable in his heart. His thoughts grew more cramped and were kept truncated by interrupting images and dialogues between him and Fay. He could no longer find any clarity in his world. He growled and jerked the headphones off his head before throwing his ipod across the room, but it did little to abate his frustration.

He has nothing now. Tomoyo was gone, as was Fay and he is still caught in a deadlock between the guilt he feels over the both of them. However, he is more acutely aware of the crescendo of emotions that were directed towards Fay, all of them conflicting, as always when it comes to his baby brother. And then, there was still mom and dad to deal with. They would definitely be upset and disappointed that the wedding has been called off. They had been looking forward to the wedding of their eldest son, especially mom. She thought this would be a great excuse to get Fay home finally, to be a family again. Genius that he is managed to screw everything up! He got up and headed downstairs toward the porch, unable to withstand the claustrophobic atmosphere in his room any longer.

He sat down on the swing and pulled out the box of cigarettes and lighter stuffed deep in his pocket. It was the brand Fay smokes. He lit one up, needing to find something to rid him of the tightness in his head. He rolled the tip of it with his thumb and index, feeling the firmness of the filter, brought it to his lips and sucked. The fumes crowded his mouth, acrid, dry and pungent. He coughed a little and thought the taste of tobacco on his tongue repugnant. He had never been one to turn to drugs of any kind, for recreation or otherwise, because he never understood why so many people found drugs pleasurable. He breathed in the smoke and swallowed feeling the airy substance choke up in his airway, choke on it, coughing all the while as his lungs absorbed the toxics within. He took another puff, deeper and harder, aware of the dizziness that was causing a strange sort of lightness in him. Nothing strong but it still managed to tilt his world a little. Is this what Fay was always looking for, this lightness? As the chemicals flowed through his body and mind, he starts to understand why.

Everyone craves that numbness sometimes. He wished he could be like that forever! But he was not so fortunate to be blessed with it. People have always said that walking away is the best choice of all, but it wasn't true at all! Whatever part you play in a story, no one can truly leave behind what has been suffered by the heart; the murmurs of pain will always be there. Although it is the same story of love found and lost, the process gone through by everyone in the universe does not lose its intensity, the rules stay the same. One would have to seek closure and an amicable resolution for it to be really over. If not, one lives with the tags of misgivings thread into strings of regrets and will keep dragging it behind oneself till the end of one's life, and the memories of it will always remain painfully clear no matter how divided it was by time.

Humans are weak against themselves he guessed, sometimes, a little help and damage incurred on the body strengthens you instead.

He wonders about his next step? If he were to grovel back and apologize, how would Fay feel? How will his intentions and wants be interpreted by Fay? Would he feel like he is second best only because Tomoyo was out of the picture? He took another puff of noxious smoke and stared into the dimming daylight; the air of the cooling atmosphere refreshes him a little but did nothing to clear the chaos in his head. In his young life, making the decision to love was the worst mistake he ever made. If only his heart had not been greedy or so cowardly a fool, the right choices would not be hard to make. Seems like the old saying is true, you only treasure the ones who are gone. But the fear is still there, he is still lost in maze of life's grueling trials. Fay had always been the mainstay of his life, no matter what happens, no matter how many people passed by his life, Fay has always been there. His presence even more pronounced than their parents'. Fay never fails when it comes to him, but Kurogane could not claim the same when it was his turn to be there.

Memories of when they were young came unbidden to him again, and he was reminded of the times when they were practicing in the studio at school. They both leaned towards the more artistic side and love anything that has to do with art, but it was a ballad performance that their parents brought them to that caught their interest. Yet, like any boys who are their age then, they were affected by their peers' opinions about boys in ballad and as much as they thought those opinions to be ignorant and silly, they decided to take up contemporary dance instead. The classes had more boys in it, sissies or otherwise. Though he must say that by the time he turned professional, the opinions about boys and ballad had improved tremendously.

From the start he realized that enviable as his height was to the other boys, his build was never that great for contemporary dances. In his opinion, he was too tall, too bulky and looked just that little ungraceful on stage and boys who were more lean and lanky, like his brother seemed more suited for the activity. But Fay never gave up on his behalf. Fay never failed to give him the necessary shove, dose of constructive criticism and boost of confidence to improve his form, always pointing out the other professional and famous dancers who were around his build and emphasizing on their success. He even stayed back countless times just practice with him till he attained perfection. When it comes to their shared passion, Fay has always been the better dancer. It's just sad that his talent had turned into a form of trade.

It didn't help to know that the plight of Fay was due to him. In the last few months, it is now clear to him that his bond to Fay had always been a destructive element, boding no good, no joy, and no future. He took the last puff of his cigarette, snuffed it in his father's ashtray already full of the remains of his own pipe and stood up. There was no point in wallowing in this; he didn't want to start feeling pity for himself when he was the one at fault. He had to find a way to melt away the deep chronic sense of dissatisfaction and despise felt towards his own self and body. Even in a mire of tribulations and the distance apart, he could not stop the constant craving for his brother's warmth and body, will not stop missing the voice that even now whispers into his ears, full of wretchedness and intense disappointment and dying hope.

Wiping his hands absentmindedly on his jeans, he wondered if the dampness he felt on his hands were droplets of rain, and if that rain was the same one that has been pouring in his heart ever since he had fallen for his baby brother. Taking a last look into the darkness surrounding his neighborhood, he went in the house and retired to his bedroom. Sleep was still far out of reach and, outside, the dry evening was in stasis waiting for a moment unknown, unspoken, waiting for twilight to seep between the seconds and along with it, the chill felt during the earliest hours when night progresses into dawn.

oooooooooo

Dean couldn't tell what exactly, but every sigh and creak of his bones prophesized an ominous outlook of the unknown that lies ahead. Much of it, he suspects has got to do with the blonde. It disturbs him, the amount of distance that has been created between them, not that there had been much to start with, he smiled bitterly. He asks himself everyday when he looks into those misty blues, why is he still following the blonde? He made a sardonic and an irrelevant reference between their relationships to what the characters in My Best Friend's Wedding had experienced. There is a quote that keeps replaying vividly in his mind, which George had said to Julianne: "Who's chasing you…nobody, get it?" Only difference is, their lives are not romantic comedies being played out on the silver screen; he could not foresee any ending which would end up the way they desire. He could have left it all behind the day Fay was fired from the previous club. Frankly, he could have all the boys licking from the soles of his shoes if he only opened his mouth to ask, but he could not be unfettered from his heart's compulsion toward the blue eye blonde.

He glanced at the platform where Fay was dancing on, the sensual sway of his body betraying none of the hardness a man was supposed to contain. The blonde moves like a cobra seducing the piper, luring it to its lethal fangs. Fangs that once have been sunk into you will never loosen its hold. He is caught like one of those men staring in rapture and lust at that body; with the knowledge that the feast of only the sight will never be satisfying enough. The blonde calls out to anyone who noticed, beckoning one to own him, a false cry of help from a siren. Nobody could do it, to own him that is. One can only be enslave by lust felt toward that sinful body and face, and Fay in turn was only mastered by one whose name Dean will never want to taste on his lips, and woe if he isn't filled with an epic hate toward the man Fay calls brother.

In the club, Fay attains the perfect transformation, layering a more tenacious façade. He stands against the wall, posing, always with his floppy blonde hair covering one of his eyes, dangling a cigarette from his lips, gazing at the patrons with a come-hither look all the time in his hip hugging low cuts and shirtless in his black rider's jacket. He is an actor who had perfected his craft; he creates a mirror which reflects into whomever's eyes what they wanted to see. Nobody bothers to dig deeper. Ironically, when someone does, they find themselves faced with the most daunting wall of steel in their way. Even for Dean, despite knowing Fay in such intimate ways, has barely just scrapped past the superficial surface. Even such a simple process had cost his heart grievous amount of pain. There was only ever one person who could touch that freezing heart and set it ablaze, and this truth was what Dean hates the most.

There isn't a romantic ache when he thinks of the blonde. He refused to make himself out to be a piteous character in Fay's life. He doesn't ache. He hates and he gets mad. He detests the way Fay doesn't ever notice his arms that are always wide open waiting for him. He resents the fact that he is constantly pushed away and reduced to being a mere passerby in the blonde's life. He grasps and he stretches, elongates himself so that he will be able to stand balanced on the plane of the unpredictable psychosis that dominates the scene of the blonde's world, one that has no hope of recovery. Fay's persona in the club had become a dream of gold. It is elusive and leagues out of reach from the hands of a common man, and one would do anything to seek connection with that dream, even if it is just for a night. But Dean is not one of those men. He is not a fan of disillusions and he cares not to delude himself. He sleeps in the night bearing only the unwelcomed truth, and he asks not for fairy tale kisses, but only for the simple warmth of a body to share his bed.

He has lost the appetite for a never-ending slew of nameless tricks. When he misses and yearns, he reminds himself of how it feels like when his hands roam across Fay's body. The feel of those delicate lines on Fay's fingers, the slight bump of hidden moles on his back and on the side of his neck, the barely seen freckles on the sides of Fay's cheeks, the tickling feel of fine hair, the paper like texture of his pale lucid skin, smooth against the rough texture of the skin on Dean's finger pads. The subtle curves of Fay's entire body memorized by the travels of wistful hands. But he is not a lover only a substitute. Despite the reiteration from Fay on their positions regarding their relationship, and his own acceptance of it, Dean still forgets that fact sometimes. Who he was rightfully supposed to be. Love's desires have the utmost ability to deceive what the heart should rightfully perceive. He tells himself everytime that he should stop chasing, but he couldn't stop his feet not even when the pavement stretches on for miles without an end in the horizon ahead. Fay's hopeless obsession had never been the reason to discourage the flame he had for him, if nothing, it only fuels it more. He is looking at the sliver window of opportunity, that vulnerability that would be exposed to him when Fay crushes. He hopes to be the one to lick the blood off the blonde's wounds. He cannot force his hand for an outcome but he can wait. Just like how an adoring audience waits for their star to glide down from the stage to shake their hands. They looked forward to that brief moment of connection when their hands touches the glamorous being, and hope that the star will remember, if not your face, then at least the silhouette of it.

Fay has not said anything to him, only disallowing his entrance to his home, but he knows. Often times, the truth isn't thrown onto your face like a bucket of freezing cream that clings uncomfortably to your skin. What it does instead, is to creep upon your most remote consciousness and lay there bidding for time, and you can feel the gnarled tendrils of it occupying the back of your mind letting your mind's eyes absorb the story yet unheard by your ears. You would think it is intuition, or, gut instinct but it is not. You watched the story unfold and you walked beside the protagonist like a good member of the audience you are, feeling for him and then falling in love with him. You see the path ahead from a third party's perspective and already you could guessed the outcome before the ending reveals itself. It is very much akin to having exceptional foresight, and Dean muses, since he has that foresight why won't he head toward the exit before the end? Isn't that a better option before everyone starts scrambling to escape from the narrow doors of the cinema called, Love? Most times, he is able to pick up the sharp masculine spice from the blonde's skin, it pricks at his nose like a foul intrusion to his senses, so unlike the sporty scents that he personally prefers and uses. He knows intuitively what ails the blonde, yet, he was not able to do anything. He saw it too in Fay's misty blues, no longer was there the haunting look that speaks of hopeless hopes, no longer was there pain that flashes with the specks of gray that would appear in his irises between a deep ocean of blues when the sun shines on his face, a pain that manifests everytime Fay woke to see him instead of his brother. There was nothing but emotions long dead and glassy pupils that reflects a vast emptiness.

Dean heard the DJ switched the music; it is a cue for the next performer. Dean's eyes trailed the trickle of sweat meandering down the blonde's naked torso and, watched Fay end his routine as he slide down the pole and ended in a smooth kneel on the platform. Glazed blue eyes focused on a young man standing infront of the platform. Tonight, the blonde's choice is an Asian and his build is an exact replica of Kurogane. Dean turned away clenching his jaw. He shouldn't be feeling so enraged because he does not have the right to be jealous of whom the blonde chooses to spend his night with. But he needed to vent his anger somewhere, and ever in his mind, there was only one person whom he could think of. It is that person who had captured Fay with his uncaring heart and snuffed out that tiny flicker of whatever life that was left in the blonde, rendering him to be one of the living dead. Fay has never been a promiscuous person, but recently the amount of bodies that shared his warmth has increased. Almost every night, he leaves with someone else with jet black hair and brooding dark looks. Dean was no longer the only one he seeks. He recognizes this pattern of behavior; he knows the need one seeks to fill the desperation of fending off the end. In some ways, this might be the only way Fay could deal what had happened to him. But still it fills him with blind rage to know that those strangers have gained the right, without any merits, to leave their mark in Fay's home, on his skin and the air that he breathes in, while he is pronounced as an exile. It made him feel as if Fay was trying to forget about him too and, maybe, that was what Fay is trying to do.

There were times when he was tempted to ask Fay just what it is that he is lacking, what made him incomparable to Kurogane, for how could the touch of a lover feel better than the touch from one's sibling? His existence had been one big maudlin blob ever since he started falling for the blonde. He thought he could be satisfied just by being there, even if it is just to be used by him. But he realizes now that he wants more, needed more, so much more. His initial attraction for the blonde's androgynous form of beauty had given way to something more profound and with each passing moment he spent with Fay, that feeling intensified. Every time they come together, he thought he had gained a foothold in Fay's life. He wants to laugh at himself now. He had gained nothing ultimately. Fay's heart was not something tangible to be captured. It slips through his fingers as if he was trying to gain a solid hold on water, or, smoke, or light. They were all insubstantial. You can soak up the fundamental nature of them only in their element but you cannot seek to control them. He is confounded on why the blonde would choose a love that would have him turn his back against the rest of the world, where he is alone and reminded of the weight he bears everytime the wind blows across the barren land of his heart.

He glanced at the mirror behind the bar, keeping his eyes glued to the exit, knowing that any moment now Fay would walk pass it with the stranger swaging along behind. The unfairness of the whole situation spiked his resentment once more. He observed his own heated glare reflected from the mirror, disliking how his features twist with bitterness, how it hardens his normally gentle features. Fay's mindless exchange of flesh inflicts a certain pain in his heart, not the kind that makes him scream but the kind that hurts with thousands of tiny stings derived from paper cuts. As his eyes followed the two men exiting the club, his heart palpitates in a crazy pace, feeling like its dropping down the tallest skyscraper, weak with dreadful anticipation. There truly is no respect gained from suffering the pain of unrequited love; the person suffering from it deserving neither sympathy nor empathy. After all, they chose with the knowing that nothing might be returned. Without sparing a second more on his thoughts, he turned on his heels and chased after Fay.

TBC

**Moro-moro: : ) Thank you for being such a loyal follower of this story and for always taking the effort to leave a review, it means a lot! **

**Melissa Brite: Thanks again! : ) I hope you'll like this update too!**

**Wanda Dido: I'm really glad that you kept reading this story! Thanks for leaving a review!**

**Anath Tsurugi: Carpe Diem! Well, I don't think this story will have a sad ending, but it's not going to be happy too... : ( Thanks for your adorable review and I hope you will still find future installments as interesting! I don't think the fandom will stay depressing for long! Maybe clamp will come up with something to snap the fandom out of the funk...but really I think (personally) that KuroFai is so suited for angst! **

**Amarante-ai: LOL! I won't say that society will be disappointed by those who marginalized the sins of incest, I guess it's a concept that is generally unaccepted by most. Thanks for pointing out the 'then' and 'than' errors. I sometimes confuse myself on which to use and in which context they should be used. 'Than' is use in comparative statements while 'then' is used as a time marker, or, with a sequence of events. I tried to correct them while editing the story but I'm not sure if I spot all of them, do point them out if you managed to spot them! ; ) I appreciate the offer to be the beta of this story, but as it seems, I'm rather rusty with communicating with beta(s) so I rather edit my stuff myself. Thanks so much though and for the review as well! : ) **

**rain: Thank you for your wonderful reviews! I hope you get more hooked on this as the story progress! : ) Yeah, it's a given fact that I'm pretty weak in grammer and stuff, but thank you for your patience too on finishing reading what has been posted! **

**Gloomy Gloo: Kurogane will be a man definitely but I can't assure that by then Fay would still want him! Opps, I shouldn't be saying this really...Thank you for leaving a review by the way! : ) **

**Puri-Chan: Thanks for following with the story, I hope you're loving it still! : )**


	3. Time Stamps

**Author's Notes: **Ficlets? Drabbles? Written for It's Never Over verse and in Kuro's POV. May or may not be in sequence of time frame. It's pretty much all over the place.

Half - way done...

**It's Just a Different Kind of Love**

"Mummy…"

"Yes, honey?" your mother asks as she looks into your large questioning eyes.

"He doesn't like me." you told her as you leaned forward on the couch and tried to push the tiny, gurgling and sniveling bundle, back into your mother's arms.

"He just hasn't got used to you yet." Mom says as she took Fay back into her arms.

You don't say anything and just clamor forward, until you're leaning against mom's shoulder, looking down at your baby brother's face. You thought he looked really ugly with his face all scrunched up like a dried prune, and those small little lines on his face that makes him look like a tiny old man. You giggled at that thought. Mom looks at you with a little frown on her forehead.

"Fay looks old." You blurted out like the honest truth it is and rubbed your chubby index around your eye, "he's got more wrinkles than you."

Mom laughs.

**~ :: ~**

You've always wanted a puppy, so you demanded it over breakfast one morning but your parents says no because you aren't old enough to be responsible for a pet yet, and you stomp back to your room and switched on your Game Boy, choosing the goriest game you owned. You know you shouldn't behave like that because it's unseemly for an eight year old to. But you're angry and right now, you just want to hate the world for the amount of unfairness that's been thrown to you. You hear your door open and someone steps in and you pretend to not hear it.

"Kuro-nii" Fay's soft, tinkling and mild timbre voice reached your ears.

"Go away Fay." you replied petulantly.

It got quiet for a while and you don't hear anything, so you think baby brother's gone.

Five minutes later, you hear your brother stumbling across the bed to you, and a piece of drawing paper is shoved between your eyes and the screen. You blink your eyes and you can hardly make out what the heck had been drawn on the piece of paper, when your brother clarified your doubts.

"Puppy…for you."

**~ :: ~**

"_I hate girls_."

That was Fay's first reaction when daddy left you guys alone in the sandpit of the playground, and walks back to his bench to read his papers.

You don't say anything and nod your head in agreement because you were only ten years old. And at that age, girls are still yucky to be around with.

And you also didn't realize that Fay actually means what he said, even if the expression was much too strong for a six year old.

**~ :: ~**

"Who is she?" Fay asks from behind as you waved the girl off from the porch. It makes you jump and squirm with discomfort because you're sure he's spying on you and your date again, and you wish he'd get a life and leave you alone to your hormone inspired peccadilloes.

"Eh…my girlfriend?" you answered, "she's a looker ain't she?" you continued with a smug smirk on your face.

"She's a slut."

"Oh yeah? Says who?" you asked highly affronted with your ego acting up, and wondered at the same time, who taught your brother words like that.

**~ :: ~**

Sometimes you look at Fay and the way he is, and you don't understand, how come God didn't just give you a sister instead. He has these little peculiarities that drive you simply nuts. Such as how he always earmarks the book once he reaches the middle of it, and he says it's just so that he remembers he had read this before. The funny thing is…it's the _only_ book he ever carries around with him. He always has his dessert right before any of the main courses arrives, only to skip the main entrée entirely because there's _always_ too much chocolate. And then, he gets indignant when you comment on how much he resembles an emaciated scarecrow, except for the fact that he's still a really pretty picture sitting right in front of you. He always insists on cutting his nails when he is in the toilet taking care of some _other _business at the same time, and then, leaves whatever remains of his nails on the floor without bothering to wash them away. And you never fail to cuss, like a hell cat thrown into a frozen river, everytime you step on them.

**~ :: ~**

"Eww!" Fay shrieks as the first splotch of cous cous and gravy hits him on the face. You give a triumph grin and raised one of your eyebrows at the same time. You don't bother to dispense with any apology because baby brother was _so_ asking for it.

You were also totally unprepared when a glass of ice cold milk was splashed on you in bed while you were fast asleep, and you jolt awake screaming like a girl and scrambling off the bed thinking that your worst nightmare had morphed into reality.

Later, you had to bribe Fay with fifty bucks for the tape. You tear up the roll of film in front of him, and feels like you've emerged victorious when you see him, giving you that same smile you had given him earlier. That's when you realized Fay hadn't actually done any kind of recording at all.

You're actually surprised that baby brother managed to upend you for once.

**~ :: ~**

Baby brother might be the most irritating and infuriating person in this world, but, he is _your_ brother and no one lays a hand on him apart from you. Absolutely no one, but you. So when you see Fay being shoved down and eating dirt, you don't hesitate and you don't pull your punches. When the fight is over and the boy is running away like the coward he is, Fay comes over and clings on to the hem of your tee-shirt. You lick your upper lip and flinched at the stinging sensation from a cut right above your teeth. You smile a shit face grin and ruffed up Fay's hair, and tell him that everything is going to be fine.

Except that it isn't.

Dad was waiting for you in the hall when both of you arrived home. The spineless kid ratted.

Dad's busting a vein in his temple, going all red in the face from anger as he shouts at you for fighting with the neighbor's son. He refuses to accept your explanation and grounds you for the whole month. You don't do anything apart from hiss at the unfairness of everything. But Fay steps up at that moment, and tell daddy in his mellow and meek voice, that daddy is stupid, then turns to you and tells you that everything is going to be fine.

**~ :: ~**

You watched from the door and can't help but be awed by the way your brother dances, though you won't ever admit it to his face since you've told him that dancing are for girls and sissies. It's not that you don't like it but the guys at the kendo club always makes some sort of nasty jokes about guys doing ballet, and Fay has argued with you before as he tries to rectify your opinion and, that it's not ballet that he is learning, but contemporary.

But Fay is really good at this, even at his young age, and it gives you a sort of thrill and flushes of pride as you watch him flex his body here and there, twirling round with hands and feet expressing emotions you never thought limbs could. So, it's hardly unexpected when you turned up at his dance school one day after your classes, asking the admin staff if they have got trail lessons for newbies.

You were only sixteen then and when you look back years later when you're standing infront of a class of your own, you think that was one of the best decisions you've made in your life.

**~ :: ~**

Mom and dad are definitely not pleased about this. You tried to school your face into a somber expression but fails spectacularly as you looked at Fay's brow less eyes. You could also see that they are dark with anger and promised revenge.

And honest to God…you swear you didn't know those DIY fireworks were really going to work.

**~ :: ~**

Your brother is utterly diabolical, you think, more than you could give him credit for. You are running about the perimeters of the field as he kept calling mutilated versions of your name. You pretend that you don't hear him and tries to complete your laps before coach starts yelling at you again. Less than six feet away, there's the hot babe you've been trying to hook up with for the longest time. She has that teasing smile on her face as she observed your reaction to Fay. You know chicks think it's cute and they dig it, but, you will be a cupcake if you use that fact to your advantage.

You break out of your routine when Fay starts again. You strode with coiling threatening steps towards the fence. Fay backs away for good measure even though he knows you can't reach past those puny openings in the fence for him.

"Kyle." You grind out.

Fay looks at you like you're stupid. There's also the tiniest detectable curl at the side of his lips.

"Who's that?" he asks voice taunting and with a mock frown.

You let out a huge frustrated huff of air from your lungs and darken your scowl considerably. You've told him a million times before to call you Kyle when you're out of the house. Because you have a mom who's determined to hold on to her Japanese roots, and named you Black-Steel. It's not exactly your name, just a literal translation of it. You know most kids here won't understand but you deemed your name uncool anyway. And here's the thing…you never felt that your name was uncool, until Fay starts breaking it up and adding incomprehensible syllables to replace the other half of it.

Fay keeps looking at you, and then his eyes shift to focus on something behind you. You ignore it because you're too irritated to care what he's looking at.

"Hey, Kuro-pon…remember to pick me up later from tuition, else mom will give you a tongue lashing again."

"Walk home ass-hole." You called out after him as he walks away with a huge smile on his face.

"Your brother is really cute." Hot babe says from right behind you.

You suck in a deep breathe and turn to face her with your most dashing smile, but deep down, you're seething inside and before you knew it, the words are out of your mouth.

"Yeah…and he's too young for you."

**~ :: ~**

You would expect a kid (because you've been one before and you were rather pathetic, so you'd rather forget about that phrase of your life, even if you're only twelve and still considered a kid) to be horrified of thunderstorms and lightning strikes, monsters in the cupboard, psychotic tooth-fairies, the dark or creepy shadows by your bedside. Fay's phobia, however, have left you completely befuddled, though it's kinda sweet at the same time. So you throw aside your comforter and without words, invited baby brother to climb in beside you. He grips your hand tight as he falls asleep.

You curl around him and smell talcum powder and grape scented shampoo. And you give in to your sappy inner self and admit that, yes, you miss your brother even though you're just one room away. And somehow, you understand why baby brother is scared.

The following morning you talk to mom and declared that you're moving back to the bedroom you used to share with Fay.

**~ :: ~**

You guys may be brothers, but nature dictates that though you may share similar DNA, it doesn't mean you will look alike. And it's visibly obvious that you might have drawn the shorter end of the stick when it comes to the looks department.

You struggle with growth spurts and the occasional acne. They don't really affect your ragged good looks but you still freak out everytime you see one pops out. Fay breezes through his puberty looking like a doll everyday, you take consolation in the fact that he doesn't grow much though. You have irises bleeding red from the pupils and Fay has dad's eyes. They look like they had the whole effing ocean set in it, all sparkly and bright, and those tweeny girls totally digs it. Fay brushes off the attention most times, but all the same, you get jealous of the attention he gets.

So everytime you see a new girl walks him up the doorsteps, you wished that soon he will be sporting acne, or, have a voice that cracks high and low without warning. But the constellations are lined up in baby brother's favor, and you grew up resenting the fact that baby brother seems to have been blessed with the magic wands of Barbie and Ken.

It didn't occur to you until the day Fay came out, that you understood why those girls like him so much.

Because then, his pretty face wasn't even the point anymore.

**~ :: ~**

You find Fay sobbing in the bathtub when you get home one evening. The spray is gushing out cold water and he's sitting inside with all his clothes on.

You reached for the towel and walked towards Fay feeling at the same time, all hesitant, anxious, a little lost and pissed. You don't like to see baby brother cry. It makes you feel like you've failed at your duties of being the big brother, makes you feel guilty for not being there. You lay the towel over him, squatted down, and place a hand on his shoulder. You gave it a gentle squeeze, just a small gesture of comfort and you feel baby brother tense up from that contact. You waited for a while before you asked if he wants to talk about it. He looks at you from the corner of his eyes, and he doesn't answer. You nodded your head in understanding and back off. He glances at you again and that's when you caught it, that something that flashes for a split second in his eyes.

Guilt.

He doesn't talk to you for a few days after, but when he does, it's like everything is normal again and that episode had never happened before. But you can't help feeling that there's a distance between you guys now. There's something you don't know about your brother, and you feel lost regarding that fact. You don't like that feeling, so you pushed it aside and think that is how it is when baby brothers grow up.

**~ :: ~**

You've just officially turned eighteen. You're out of the puberty drag, well…maybe not really, but what the heck? You have girls who just can't seem to stop staring at you, can't wait to paw all over you and you think you're actually _the_ stud of the century. You've got the best present from your parents, though you should have gotten it when you turned sixteen. You were too young then, they explained. Doesn't matter. You have it now. The dream bike of a life-time. A Kawasaki Ninja ZX-14. It's the best time of your life. But you push that all aside for now, because there is something even better, even more special.

You and baby brother had just won the inter-high school dance competition. You don't know why, but seeing him so ecstatic and proud gave you the most exhilarating sense of accomplishment and you forget all of the blood and sweat you've sacrificed to make it through for the competition, and you're grateful that baby brother never gave up on you even when you want to give up on yourself.

You smile the most joyful smile and walked up to your brother who's surrounded by all his _fan girls_, and you pull him into a one arm embrace. He doesn't startled or anything and fits into the clumsy hug happily, snuggling closer like it's the most natural thing in the world. You don't see anything strange about it, but you can sense the awkwardness creeping into the air. You get irritated. The girls are still smiling but their eyes are more focused on the arm slung around your brother, and that tight grip you have on his elbow. You don't like whatever ideas that's forming in their head right now and you don't bother to stay and figure out.

You dragged Fay out of the party after a dismissive, 'please excuse us,' and hops onto your new bike that's parked outside the house. You let baby brother climb up behind and wait for him to get comfy before passing him a brand new helmet. You tell him that this helmet is specially bought for him and meant for him only, and watch his face light up like an overly decorated Christmas tree. That's when he gives you your birthday present. It's not packed in fancy paper or boxed up, but like every other birthday gift he has got for you, you're sure that it's exquisite. This year, he got you a handmade leather bracelet, and you've been wearing it ever since.

**~ :: ~**

You feel Fay slither up to you in the middle of the night; it's a normal routine now, so you don't even blink an eye about it.

"Another nightmare?" you asked quietly.

"Yeah." Fay answered voice still bleary with sleep.

"Bout what?"

"Don't really remember." He says and pushes back nearer; you turn flat on your back and just let him cozy up. You know that he's lying about it but you don't call him out on it.

He's almost fifteen now, yet, he still comes to bed with you like when he's still five years old, and you're starting to notice he is adopting a strange dependency on you. You don't think he is idolizing you because if he did, he would be attempting lamely to replicate your likeness, but he doesn't. You catch him studying you sometimes when he thinks you're not looking. You wonder if brothers are normally that close, but as always, there's something that pushes you not to dwell on it.

**~ :: ~**

Baby brother has been chattering almost non-stop since you guys started this trip three hours ago. You can understand his excitement because you've been waiting for him to turn seventeen for this. You listen as he talk about completely irrelevant stuff, with eyes bright and his whole being humming with anticipation, his face still baby young.

A carefree smile breaks on your face and you can't help but reach across and ruffle up his hair. He shrinks back a little, and you pull away immediately. You know it's not supposed to be offending and that's just him growing up and not wanting to be coddled anymore. But you feel just like that day when you found him in the bathroom, face puffed up from crying and sopping wet and you still don't know what that was all about.

Then it hits you, and all of a sudden you feel that you can really understand how mom and dad feel. This…this letting go, knowing that your kid brother no longer needs you the way he used to…

**~ :: ~**

He preens for the longest while in front of the mirror, adjusting his floppy light brown hair and scrutinizing his reflection.

"Think I should dye my hair?" he asks without really directing the question at you, so you don't answer and continued surfing the net, "maybe I should give it a go…" you hear him mumble on.

"Just do it and stop talking to yourself like a girl." You interrupted impatiently, wondering at the same time what is the deal about getting his hair dyed.

"You know dad doesn't like it."

"Dad's a prude and will forever be one."

"I'm serious."

"So am I." you answered.

He chuckled, turned and threw the plastic comb in his hand at you and you ducked away effortlessly.

"Try blonde, think it will look good on you." You casually suggested.

Fay turned back and pulled at his hair some more, already imagining and considering the shade of blonde he would like to have. You don't think anymore of it and immersed yourself back into the mystical plane of the World Wide Web.

The next day, baby brother came back late into the evening with his head smelling like chemical, and a crowning glory of gold on his head.

**~ :: ~**

You smell it on the cover of your sheets and it hangs midway like an invisible curtain of choking agents, you find the air unbreathable. It galls you to know that he keeps snubbing your warnings, to well…snub it out. You open the window to let some fresh air in, and suck in a deep breathe, then you proceed to rummage through the drawers and cupboards for the bag of weed he's hiding. It took you some time, but you finally dug them out from the bottom of the cupboard, hidden from view by a loose flap of wood.

You threw the bag on your bed and sat down to wait for your brother's return. Your mind is being controlled by anger right now, and you're trying very hard to calm yourself down. Your parents don't know about the new habits he picked up and you want to keep it that way. But at the same time you wonder if that is the best way to go about it.

He came back a little after two in the morning, you're already sleeping and you jerk awake from the sound of the door closing. You reach for the table lamp and switched it on. You see him with smudged make-up on his face and for some reason, you lose it. Within three strides, you're across the room, gripping hard on his arm and hauling him against the wall, and you press closer to him because you don't want to be loud and risk your parents waking up to find you guys like this.

"I thought I asked you to stop?" you snarled as you shoved the bag into his chest and you're glad that baby brother can still be intimidated by you. You feel him trembled and turn away from you, and you presume that it's because he's afraid to face your wrath. "I want you to stop, if not, dad is going to know about this."

You see him nod his head and you know that he knows you're serious, so you let go and you're about to tell him to go clean up and go to bed when you hear it. Then you go immediately from mightily pissed off to feeling incredibly guilty. You fuss over the why when you're not even the person here making a mistake, but that's the way it works. Your brother always managed to make you feel like an asshole whenever he cries infront of you.

**~ :: ~**

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"What's this?"

"A letter?"

"I can tell it's a letter. But this is sent more than six months ago and you didn't even tell us that you applied for it."

"I'm not interested in going now."

"Why? You'll be great there!"

"It's my future, Kuro. Let me decide what's best for me? I would know…wouldn't I?"

**~ :: ~**

It's like you just experienced a lightning strike and he don't look at your eyes when he says it. You balled up your fists and tries to swallow your anger, couldn't believe that he's giving up what you've worked so hard for, what your parents have worked for. How do words disappear and why is it that you can never say what you want to? Some changes that never did matter are starting to get vivid and you ask yourself…when did the years get in between? You watch him sit at the other end of the dining table, the cup of water clasped between his hands, his eyes focused on the water swirling within the glass, and you wondered, how did your brother become this stranger before you? You don't think for too long because you know you've already lost him, and you're not being skeptical because you know time won't turn back, but at the same time, you're also confused about how everything got to this point.

TBC


	4. Chapter 3

**MochoMocho: Thanks for your patience in the wait for my updates! I hope your offer of another cookie still stands! : ) **

**Melissa Brite: Love you too! *Winks* **

**RemiRobin: I hope it's still good for you!**

**Moro-moro: I know I said that there would be a confrontation. But it's really still in pieces right now, so I offer you this chapter first instead! : ) **

**Puri-chan: Please tell me that this story still gets to you! By the way, are you still inspired enough for a fanart? It will be really nice to have one to tag to this story…**

**WhoseYoDaddy: Well, I got someone to edit my story. It's ****Lokeygirl****, though I'm not sure if she has the same penname here…thanks for your review! **

**AnonymouslyAnonymous: Are you still getting distracted by fanfics! Guess you can't help it huh? I find it rather distracting too. What with the numerous fandoms that I'm hooked on myself…! ;P**

**Deleerium: And I welcome you into my world too! It's always good to know that a story is able to engage its readers, if not; it's a big failure on my part. Thanks for such a wonderful review. : ) **

**Author's notes: A big apology for taking so long to update, no excuses here…I really hope you guys are still loving this, else my fragile heart will break… : ( **

**Good news! I've got a beta to edit chapter 2, though I won't be re-posting it yet because I want to update the latest chapter I have ironed out. My beta will still have to go through this one later…sorry for the trouble Lokeygirl! Your effort and time taken to do this is deeply appreciated! : ) **

**Also, I apologize if I haven't replied to all reviewers in my haste to get this posted up. I hope you would understand my rush! : ) **

**It's Never Over**

**Part III**

He managed to catch up with them at the first turn of the block. They were ready to get on the cab waiting by the curb. He rushed forward just as Fay was getting into the vehicle and grabbed his arm. Fay turned and looked at him with a placid expression, shifting away gingerly subtly hinting to Dean to let go of him. Dean only held on tighter and pulled Fay away from the cab and the stranger sitting within waiting.

"What is it Dean? I'm off shift." Fay asked as he looked in the general direction toward the entrance of the Italian restaurant behind, refusing to look at Dean's questioning eyes. The colorful line of shop houses with their quaint ambiance, sandwiched in between the sleazy establishments with their dubious nature of business was a pleasant distraction from Dean's heat of anger. The paradox that they offered seemed to be right in line with the thoughts running through his mind at that moment.

"What do you think you're doing?" Dean asked in a low voice, trying to keep some privacy between them from the good looking stranger on the backseat of the cab, looking out at them with curious eyes.

Fay shrugged with a hapless smile. "Why ask if you already know?" he answered listlessly. This was what he dreaded; the day Dean stops cutting him any slack. He should have known Dean was a person who was easily stirred by his emotions. He should have clarified everything and broke it off in the first place, that would have saved himself from Dean's unwanted persistence in continuing their non-existential relationship.

There it was again, Dean fumed, that infuriating half smile. He hated it because it's so impossible to read what Fay is thinking about when he smiles like that.

"Doesn't mean you know better whatever you're doing."

Fay shuffled closer upon hearing the answer. He raised his hand and raked it through Dean's shaggy crown of hair before sliding down and rubbing his earlobe between his thumb and index finger. With his knuckles pressed against Dean's cheek, he feels the impossibly taut tension of his jaw muscles. He let his fingers sloped down to the lines of Dean's cheekbones, gently and reverently, feeling a different sort of strength flowing from underneath that tanned brown skin. He knew Dean was barely restraining himself with unspeakable frustration. Fay looked at the man before him and he was sure his eyes were telling Dean exactly what he felt right then. It was a look that summed up all his regrets and lost moments winding up to the awkward space of gap between them. He wondered if he would ever find another Dean in his life. Someone who would fall head over heels in love with him despite knowing what he really is?

"You've never worried about me before, don't start now." Fay pleaded with all the weight of the weariness that had settled on his shoulders for the past few months; and with that, he let his hand fall back to his side.

Everytime he threw out the bits and pieces of himself, he expected his brother to catch and connect them. But the one really waiting for those vapid fragments was Dean, not Kurogane. In the spirit of altruism, he gathered them lovingly and glued them together into an artfully presented broken mosaic, a piece that he thought represented Fay the most. A masterpiece crafted by a most unexpected artist, inspired by a most unexpected muse. Dean had always viewed the broken pieces of him as gems waiting to be cut to perfection. Kurogane viewed them as a curiosity to be unfolded and discovered and then, after he had opened Pandora's Box and sated his curiosity; the pieces of Fay existed as one of the discarded, pieces of bitter passivity, simmering resentment, and a soul weakened by a maze of sorrows.

That knowledge instilled guilt in Fay. He had grossly belittled Dean's capacity towards love. He wondered to what extend had he misjudged Dean, how much had he miscalculated in their agreed-upon lie? He had been pretending for too long to know now, but in that moment, he saw beyond the skin that Dean wears around him; Dean is a man who carried his love quietly and unconditionally. He was cruel to the others because he already saw through their petty games of sex and lust; he is still with Fay because he understood that Fay held love the same way that he did, quietly and unconditionally and without expectations. In other words, they were the noble fools of love. Fools who would eventually be forgotten with not even an ounce of poignancy felt in their demise.

Dean snapped at Fay without meaning to. He couldn't tolerate such a blatant brush off of his presence. Not when he had been waiting on the sidelines for so long.

"I can't always be the bastard you want me to be. You know very well how I feel about you and right now, it's hurting."

Fay gave an ironic laugh at Dean when he heard the heavily intoned accusation. "And I'm supposed to be responsible for how you feel?"

"Well, we're both in it so…yeah…_maybe_?" Dean bit out the last word.

"Hey, are we still going or not?" The good-looking stranger from within the cab finally interrupted, lacking in patience towards the pair dallying on the pavement.

Dean bent across Fay with a tight look on his face and slammed the cab door shut without so much as a goodbye. He waved his hand to the disgruntled man as the cab drove off. Fay chuckled without mirth at Dean's actions as his eyes followed the cab pulling away, and the face of the man he was supposed to spend the night with. Lighted by the passing neon signs, the scene looked vaguely odd. He wondered how he could have thought that face to resemble his brother's at all. It was all in his head, he guessed, carrying on a charade.

"So answer me. What do you think you're doing?"

"Forgetting." Fay answered and all of a sudden he was struck by just how miraculous the way people would find each other. How had he ended up as Kurogane's brother, full of incestuous thoughts, and how had Dean come into his life as an unlikely savior for his twisted sanity? Who had worked out that connection? To really forget everything that had happened would be a joke.

"I didn't hurt you, so why are you adding me into the equation?"

"Where's the Dean I used to know? He never had so many questions."

Dean gave him a wry smile.

"Put me out of my misery, Fay. I'll let you know… you're terrible for me and sometimes… just sometimes… I wish I could let you go…" Dean muttered as he reached for Fay's hands, already cold from the night breeze swiping through the streets, "Why? Why won't you ever give me a chance to make you happy? You don't tell but I know what happened between you and your brother, you don't have to pretend in front of me."

Fay searched Dean's eyes, silently imploring him to stop breaking down his walls. He was too vulnerable. He needed his barriers to be strong and high or he might very well just snap. Although Dean had prepared himself for the truth, the silent honesty of Fay's admittance still cut him like a searing hot knife.

"Because you're real, Dean, and I don't do reality very well." He answered briskly and pulled his hands away from Dean's, trying to walk away in the other direction, trying to avoid the dozen pair of eyes that were starting to look in their direction. "Your happiness doesn't lay with me. There are many others out there who are better than me."

"But they are not you!" Dean cried out stubbornly as he followed behind Fay's hurried steps.

"Don't make me say it, Dean. It's going to hurt for both of us…"

"I don't care about it anymore!" Dean cut in before Fay could finish his sentence. "We've been hurting all this time! Look at me, I'm here! I'm always here and I want more of you than he ever will!"

"Stop being such a cliché, Dean! Stop letting me steal your life away!" Fay crossed his arms tight across his chest as he continued to walk away. He could not let it get to him now; he had barely survived the past few weeks and he kept telling himself that he was going to be strong enough for this. But the tears were coming again. He was on his knees, begging his heart to have mercy on him because, really, he was just hanging by a thread, and that black substance, the part of him that had died and that could never be revived, was being pushed beneath millimeters from the surface of his skin, and he could feel it trying to break out, trying to reveal the reality of who he was.

"Why don't you want to be happy?"

Fay heard Dean shouting behind him as he broke into a run and he didn't care who he was knocking past along the street, didn't apologize for it either. He just wanted to get away from the cacophony of this foreign scene that he had managed to submerge himself within for so many years. People in black with neon coloring in their hair and eyeliner drawn so thick around their eyes that you couldn't see the whites anymore, you couldn't see anyone anymore. Fay needed an escape from them. He kept running until his lungs felt like bursting from the lack of air, until the city night lights faded from his peripheral vision and the question that Dean had shouted to him had turned into shrills of banshees in his mind. But as his feet pounded on the black tar road and his eyes flittered over the sparse suburban neighborhood in front of him, he realized that he would never be able to hide away. There was just no place in the world for him to cover his bleeding wounds. From behind, he could hear the familiar pounding of Dean's boots and his breathless hard pants and, despite himself, Fay gave a hapless smile.

"This reminds me… I should renew my gym membership…" Dean panted out. "Either that, or I'm getting too old for this."

"This is a really bad time for a joke, Dean." Fay commented as he turned to look at Dean. Behind both of them the tar road stretched far into the dark horizon. Fay knew that the road could lead anywhere and he wondered if, just maybe, the destination would still be the same whichever direction he decided to set off in.

"Well, I can only deal with so much serious." Dean replied.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Fay breathed out as he looked up at the dark velvet sky, sparkling with stars, not really directing the question to Dean but wanting him to hear it anyway.

"Why can't you leave _him_ alone?" Dean countered questioned as he stepped closer to Fay, his fingers stretching to secure a grip on the blonde's vest.

"What exactly is it that you want from me, Dean?" Fay asked loudly. This time as his eyes flicked back to Dean's green ones, he saw them turn dark with something he recognized but did not want to understand, so he looked away again as if he would be safer from whatever Dean has to say if the green-eyed man was not in sight.

Dean gripped Fay's vest just a little tighter before he answered. He knew the ways Fay would deny the care he had for him, but who would keep a substitute around for so long? Dean saw the raw vulnerability that Fay had shown him, and it proved that he meant something, and that no matter how many times Fay pushed him away, Dean was already halfway through the door.

"You." Dean said with conviction, as if the word was the only truth in his life.

"...."

Fay focused his eyes fully on Dean now, feeling the breath being sucked out of his lungs, and something else he never wanted to feel towards Dean surged up to constrict his heart, and then he felt it, the final bridge to his rationality crumbling away. It should be terrifying but all he felt was peace. He smiled so that Dean wouldn't recognize the confusion showing in his eyes. He wanted to scream at Dean to shut the hell up and get the fuck out of his messed up life, vent all his anger and disappointment at him, but he didn't. Instead, he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss on Dean's lips. As he breathed in their mingled breathe, he wondered if everything could be better if memories could be swiped away into a blank slate.

"Go home, Dean. I need to be alone for a while," Fay said, his voice unsurprisingly unemotional.

As he watched Dean turn and walk away in resignation, the tears finally came, hot and torrential, and the apology that he whispered into the cold night air was filled with bitterness and finality.

ooooooooo

He stared at the mirror and started to clean the make-up off his face, and once the colors were gone, the sunken cheekbones and hollow eyes became imminently more pronounced. He felt pity for the men that had fallen hook, line, and sinker for his facade. Did they ever think about who the dancer on stage really was? Their short lust-filled love towards him seemed to make a mockery of the love he had felt for his brother. What kind of love did Dean have for him then? Sweet Dean, his sweet Dean. He had been so pleasantly unexpected, yet his kindness had been just one whole coil of barbed wire to his already beaten heart.

He couldn't say sorry personally to Dean; he didn't want Dean to hear how broken he really was. But Dean should know… if he could have normal, if he didn't love his brother, he would gladly have let Dean harvest the gems of his heart. So he sent out a message, and hoped that it wouldn't break Dean's heart, and then settled down on the bathroom floor in front of the full length mirror. Since he was going to die lonely, he might as well see to his own end. Fay wonders if he should be feeling a little less ambivalent while entertaining thoughts about dying, but death would be a nice final end. It would provide a good transition into another song, perhaps one more beautiful compared to the one he was presently embroiled in. A rewrite of the lyrics that sang of his life, a whole set of words that would deliver the sweet release he had been praying for his whole life.

He had missed Kurogane to the point of sickness, he realized. Staring at the mirror before him, he wonders if he should be affronted when he sees not himself, but just a body of scars. The pretexts of pretending, lying to himself that nothing was wrong, that he wasn't hurting as badly as he thought he was, they no longer tethered him. What else could then? Nothing, he told himself. Then he wondered if people understood those who had thought of death and the need to want to die. Dean's proclamations of his love only made it worse, as if he could be fixed and redeemed by his unwanted affection.

Should he be declared insane for this? He chuckled to himself. Wouldn't his death make the most memorable wedding gift to his dear brother? He felt that the darkness of madness should be looked upon as the most sublime expression of the human condition. Imagine being driven mad because of love. Will there ever be a more beautiful tragedy? How did love drive one to the brink of madness, drive someone to lose their own sense of self preservation and to not even protect the last of their fragility and not care about anything else in the world? Fay knew it, understood how all of it felt. He had loved so much and so deeply that he was lost. He had always quietly existed for his brother, dreaming his dreams, living to breathe the same air as him, only to see the same moon, sun, stars and sky as him.

When the tears were gone, when the pain turned into a sensation even lesser than numbness and one can't forget even when in sleep, and the drugs couldn't even keep the truth from one's heart. What else but death could one turn to? The wounds will never close and maybe he had never wanted it to. What was the point in healing himself when he was destined to be abandoned by that happiness, to be cut open time after time, once again? It must be for the best to just let it bleed out… everything would be better once he had bled dry of all emotions… anything would be better then living a life feeling like you have already died.

Fay stared for a very long while at the tube of white powder in his palm, a ticket to freedom from his life of pain. A dash of cyanide, plenty of crushed valium and heroin. That should be enough, won't it? Wasn't it depressing that everything had to come to this? He thought as he gave a cold empty smile, devoid of hope. But he had no other choice. There isn't any other choice.

"Goodbye." Fay whispered as he looked at the ghost staring back from the mirror, voice trembling as hot salty tears flowed down his cheeks, gathering at the tip of his chin and splashing onto his chest. He rubbed them away hastily, brutally. Tears meant regret; he didn't want to regret this. So he stops thinking. Somewhere in the background, the sounds of the daily grind of life continued; he could hear the faulty tap in the kitchen still leaking, dripping droplets onto the cold metal basin, outside of the apartment he could hear his neighbor jangling his keys getting ready to leave for a wild night out, and from across the hall, he could hear the message alert from his phone. But nothing matters now, all these won't be part of the world he is going to.

He lifted the tube, broke it into half and emptied everything into his mouth without preamble, without fear.

The powder tasted bitter and acrid like sharp blades running across his tongue, smelled pungent like thousands of bottles of sweet almond essence poured all around, the sweet smell of death. Fay forced himself to swallow the compound, feeling the burn right down his throat and esophagus. He choked weakly for a bit before he felt the effect coming down on fast and furious.

His tongue and mouth felt very hard and his heartbeat thudded loudly, speeding up in his ears and suddenly all the bile seemed determined to escape his stomach and intestines. He chokes a bit and slide down to lay on the cold surface of the bathroom tiles. He was getting dizzy and cold sweat was starting to erupt all over. He presumed he should be feeling far worse than this considering the state he was in right now, but he didn't. He felt light and euphoric instead, nothing horrible at all. Maybe because he knew freedom was just ahead waiting for him, and the lies, the pain, and the guilt will stop. Peace will come and all his heartache would be left behind, and Kurogane and Tomoyo would have their well deserved happiness.

He smiled. Somewhere in between the dark and light as he flittered out of consciousness, he saw the memories of him and his brother light up in flames and crumble to dust. He smiled again. He was alone even when he was dying, but he reconciled himself with that fact. It was alright. He didn't need anybody and nobody needed him. Perhaps the saddest truth of all was that there wasn't a shred of love or anyone for him to cling on to in the end. And, Fay thought before he passed into unconsciousness, was that Love in its twisted nature was a malicious bitch: her offering of happiness like black blood flowing full of poison.

ooooooooo

Dean knocked harder on the door. His yells rang through the hollow corridors of the level where Fay's apartment was situated at. He noticed a few lights being flicked on, knows that he is waking the neighbors up but he couldn't bring himself to be bothered with it. The incessant ringing of a mobile phone ignored by the occupant inside the apartment caused an eerie chill that coalesced on the surface between his skin and the atmosphere surrounding him. He plastered himself against the opaque windows and tried to peek through the blinds; the darkness gave away no signs of anything gone amiss, yet, the restful quiet resonating from within the apartment when the phone stopped ringing seemed so very wrong. He heard the blood roaring in his ears, the forceful pounding of his heart against his ribcage and the random buzz of the flickering fluorescent tube above his head, reminding him of each passing seconds. It should have meant something, but his frantic mind couldn't think of anything apart from getting through the door infront of him.

The message sent by Fay an hour ago had sent him into a frenzied panic.

"_Maybe next time, Dean. Maybe next time I will choose better._"

He didn't understand what _next time_ meant in context but he knew it was definitely not something to sleep on. Within seconds he was running back, heart in his mouth, tracking the route where they had separated. When there was no one there, he headed for Fay's home, cursing at the minutes he had wasted. He should have known. He should have kept quiet. Fay did not need him to be a lover right now. Fay needed to keep working on the stage. That was the only thing keeping him grounded to the living.

The pre-dawn light was already infusing the sky with various shades of dark purple and mellow pinks by the time he reached Fay's block and he found himself praying suddenly, praying for day to not come because he didn't think he had the courage to face what was ahead, if he had guessed correctly that is. Are prayers from the faithless heard? Do God sift through their cries and decide if the person chanting those prayers deserved his help or not? The irrational thoughts ran through his mind as his feet pounded against the asphalt road. He didn't realize that he was scared shitless, but he felt his body move, did what was required of him to get Fay the help his battered body needed. He wouldn't realize it until later when everything was over, and the doctor was telling him that everything was alright and that Fay would survive, and when he would make the inevitable call to that _somebody_ that had started this fucked up drama.

oooooooooo

One can slip into another reality so seamlessly that one won't be able to realize it, Kurogane thinks. There was no sluicing of zero temperature water on his skin jarring him. He couldn't even manage a reaction to what has been told to him over the phone. The dull dial tone is the only thing that he is able to register. The handset was still pressed tightly along his cheek, cupped against his ear. He wishes someone was still on the line. He wants to hear another voice, preferably someone telling him that he's been pranked, not the nurse's voice, non-emotive like the newscaster announcing another natural disaster from the other end of the world, like it's none of his business because it's too far away to affect him. But this is too morbid, too painful to be a joke.

Fay is in hospital. Fay had committed suicide.

He looked down at the notepad. The scribble was barely illegible and he doesn't remember writing down the details. He should be panicking by now, knows that his parents have to know about this and the questions that will follow later. But now, he needs to move. He forced himself through each movement, constantly forgetting what he was supposed to do next, only remembering his destination where his brother now lay. He doesn't trust himself to drive and hailed a cab instead. On the way there, his palms bleed from the tension and the pressure of nails cutting against skin. Again, he doesn't register the sensation and everything after was ran on autopilot till he was standing beside the bed ensconcing the fragile frame of his brother, staring blankly at limp blonde hair and a all too pallid face, rough cotton blanket pulled right over the shoulders with his left wrist exposed till the elbows, plugged with plastic tubes of saline and some drips he couldn't recognize. At this point, he's really praying that someone would just backhands his face so he can wake up from this nightmare.

But the sight of his brother's chest gently rising and falling, the quiet beeping of the machine set up by the side of his bed and the sharp tang of antiseptic in his nose, won't let him get away. He's snapped back from a cold place into the one where he currently is in, breathing in air thick like smog and remembering with bewildering clarity how Fay's lips taste against his and how Fay's face flashes, bright shade of pink on the tip of his cheekbones when he comes keening in his embrace, remembers the sound of Fay's laughter whenever he snorts liquid or whatever he happens to be consuming, out of his nose when he's surprised, remembers the tender caresses of Fay's fingers on his face, and he squeezes his eyes together and clutched the fabric of the hospital scrub Fay is wearing, unable to stop the tears from falling. It's only the soft _ahem_ from the doctor standing at the door that stops him from completely falling apart. She has warm hazel eyes and an apologetic expression that's rarely seen on medical staff nowadays.

"Are you family?" she asks softly, her right hand that is holding the clipboard containing the vital statistics of Fay hangs by her side. Kurogane nods in reply. "Are you his brother?" she asked again, eyes looking straight into his probing for something. For what, he doesn't know.

Kurogane gives another terse nod in reply.

"I've called your parents, they should be here soon."

"What…" Kurogane asks with a slight shift of his body towards his brother and a grim tightening of his lips, unable to voice out the full question without fearing that it would come out in a scream instead. She walks forward and Kurogane catches the name on her tag, Dr. Strommer, as she reaches out with an arm and guides him to the couch opposite the bed, gesturing for him to take a seat.

"Your brother OD on heroin and there were traces of cyanide in his blood. I would have pinned it down to an addiction he might have, but further tests shows no contamination of drug abuse. Are you aware if he was suffering from depression, or some other traumatic event?"

Kurogane looked away from her and bite the inside of his cheeks. He's not sure if he could provide a reasonably believable answer. For a moment, he wants to let go and relieve himself of their unspeakable secret, wants someone to pronounce judgment on him but he thinks about their parents. They don't need to know this. He lies instead. It's not hard to do so considering the amount of times he had done it.

"Not that I know of…how is he?'

"He's in a coma right now but he's going to be fine. If his friend brought him in any later, we would have lost him. But the amount of cyanide he ingested might cause a delayed onset of Parkinsonism or other neurologic sequelae, we can't do anything about that."

"Meaning?"

"Put simply, it's postural instability. We are not sure how soon it will manifest or the severity of it. He might suffer from vertigo, problems with sight and constant disorientation. We have supportive treatment and how well he recovers will vary greatly. What does your brother do?"

"He works as a dancer."

"It's not advisable for him to continue. At least not till he has completely recover…" she faded off leaving the _'if he recovers'_ unsaid. Though, Kurogane hears it all the same and knows that he will bear the guilt of crushing his brother's life for the rest of his. It's not until this moment that the repercussions of their serendipitous affair fully sank into him. He staggers up from where he's seated to back beside Fay again, reaches for his brother's hand, absorbs the quiet weight of it and whispers his name. He keeps repeating it until he understands what he truly wants, and promised to himself that the love that they have between them, will not cost them anymore than this. Because he doesn't want to think that he's too late to salvage what's left of the pieces of their hearts. Because he finally knows that he can't bear the loss, can't live knowing that Fay won't be beside him every step of the way and that nothing will ever be alright again, not without Fay.

ooooooooo

Miyaki looked anxiously at the clock on the wall, her hand twisting the handles of the railing by the bed in an aggravated manner. She looked down at Fay shaking her head, and whispering endearments all mothers say when their children are sick. George sat beside her, expressionless and strained. He wonders if she understands that Fay won't be able to hear all of this.

"I don't know why he would do this, George…Kurogane told me just last week that he was doing fine." She said in half sobs.

George looked at his wife and pulled her by her shoulders to lean against him. He can't find the right words to say to ease her worries.

"He's alright now, pumpkin. He's going to be alright." He said softly as he rocked her gently in his arms, trying to believe what he is repeating in her ears.

"I should have known something wasn't right…how could anything be right when he refused to come home at all?" Miyaki continued her voice trembling and George can feel the wetness soaking through his shirt. He steers them slowly out of the room. Miyaki follows docilely, too distress to do otherwise. He sits her out on one of the armchairs littering the corridors and kneeled down infront of her, sharing his paternal grief with her in silence, listening to her soft mumblings of lamentations towards herself. That she should have known. The fact that her baby is still alive brings no comfort to her compared to the whys that was still unknown to her, which had pushed Fay to desire death.

How could she know? How would the life of his guileless wife be if she was told the truth?

There are stories in George's life that he chose not to leaf through again, but to understand the senseless giving away of such a young life, he needs to peer deeper into another time. He's seen the start; he just needs to stop ignoring the details that led the family here. George releases his hold on his wife, presses a reassuring hand on her shoulder before he walked to the window and just stands there, looking out at the sprinklers in the garden of the hospital. He concentrates on the view outside, avoiding the reflection on the window. His face disintegrating into the grime stuck on the glass, the eyes looking back at him are a whole patch of dark and he sees the age of his life festering in the lines on his face. He's learned a lot throughout his life and the things he knows are the undeniable truths of life. There are things that happened for a reason, there are things that are destined to pass, when one seeks, one is sought, when one chases, the other will follow, when one sleeps, one is awaken and when one lives, one will also die.

When Fay makes his bed, he had already decided that it will be Kurogane who lies in it.

He's seen it before one innocuous summer day when his boy was still his baby, before he stops thinking of him as his son, and starts seeing him as an abomination. He's vowed never to speak of it again. Now he regrets his choices, perhaps he could have sorted out the mess in Fay's head before everything exploded to the surface. Now, he's lost both his boys. There is nothing that he can say to himself to make everything better. He could kneel forever infront of the lord questioning what want wrong, asking why the fates of his children were damned from the start, but the sins of his children are his to carry. Perhaps he had planted the seed of evil himself when he was young, when he has no faith or belief. He has no right to question. He has no right to demand for neither mercy nor justice, only to bear the passing of his family's secrets.

"Dad?"

George turns at the voice of his eldest son, hears the helplessness in Kurogane's voice and looks up to a weary face, so burden and broken with guilt. He almost forgets how young his boys truly are. They are not as well versed in the ways of the world as he thought them to be. He should blame himself for letting them fly too soon. Yet he can't keep the burning shame spreading across his chest, or the anger making him clutch his hands into fists. He feels the thump of his pulse in the veins along his neck and the tiny spasms of his muscles as he fought to control the bellowing rage swelling in him. He stands to walk to the other end of the corridor, out of earshot of his wife, glances behind to see Kurogane give his mother a comforting hug before pulling away to follow him.

Yes, he tells himself, he is mad. He is mad at Kurogane for not knowing better. He's the elder. He's supposed to know better. But he says nothing, does nothing when Kurogane settles and leans beside him by the ledge of the window. Because George understands that he is only human, only an ordinary man, and ordinary men knows not of the mistakes they made, just like how the day will never know the darkness of night. He knows not of his own foolishness until everything is over and lessons are learnt too late. He just lets the inevitable silence loom over them, wait till Kurogane breaks and spills.

Some things he already knew. Still, there are others, and those are the ones he needed to know.

Kurogane looked down, scruffs his canvas shoe against each other, pressed his back stiffly against the glass of the window and tried to blink away the hysteria threatening to burst forth. He doesn't know where to start because he can't start from anywhere. What was he supposed to say? There is no starting point, there is no middle ground and the truth is as ugly as it gets. The words stutter before they are out and Kurogane chews on the inside of his lower lip, and promptly loses steam. He loathes himself for all the running away he has done. It's not the first time and it won't be the last time, but he can't avoid this time. Fay had dealt out his consequence, he can't run away. He can't let things spiral further out of control.

"I…we…" he tries to get the words that are their story on his tongue past his lips. They melt and spread and stick themselves on his tongue like bitter molasses, make him speechless. He scraps his teeth on his tongue, hard so it draws blood, wakes it up from its stupor and he starts again. "We were togeth…"

And just like that, George thinks he had heard enough, that _that_ is all the confirmation he needs. He doesn't need anything else to prove or disprove of what goes on behind closed doors when his sons are together.

"Fay…I loved him so much, you know?" George whispers softly cutting off Kurogane mid sentence, fixing his gaze on his wife instead of his son as he speaks. "He was so small the first time I saw him in your mother's arms, thought I would never let him go. But he grew up and you became the center of his world."

"Dad." He can't seem to say anything apart from murmuring 'dad' over and over again; his whole being set on standby flight reaction. He's extremely finicky with his dad being so calm. There's a huge part of Kurogane that wants to hide his face from his father's eyes as he speaks. Somehow he knows. He would know wouldn't he? Some mothers know best, his father knew better.

"For a long while, I thought he'd only worshipped you." George says as he remembers the unusual intimacy he spots in their interaction, but at that time still unnoticed by Kurogane and the pause George has before the next sentence hangs like a suspended guillotine, waiting to slice through the thick heavy tension between them.

He wants to say it out, expose his own little secret. Let his eldest son know about the searing shame, anger and betrayal he felt, still feels to this day, and that can never be put into words when he saw his baby's eyes closed tight, hand stuffed under his shorts and panting out a name that shouldn't be called out in such circumstances. It was a memory too sinful, too immoral, and too obscene and one he cannot force himself to completely forget, or to remember in Technicolor details either. It sits in his memory bank, out of focus where the vague outlines of it are enough to remind him of what happened. He failed as a father from that moment, choosing to hate his son instead for something he didn't know better. He diminished his responsibilities as a father towards Fay and transfers his misplaced hopes to Kurogane, refusing to talk about what he had seen in fear that it will somehow contaminate Kurogane if he were to even learn about it in the slightest detail. Of course, it occurs to him now that the effort was one huge futile exercise. He looked around the corridor, sees nurses and patients lingering about in the space around them and surrenders his urge to lose control. It's not a dialogue to be had in a public place like this.

They don't need to know his failures. They don't need to see the skeletons left drying in their closets.

Kurogane closes his eyes and tries to control his staccato breathing. He doesn't wonder how his father knew and he won't ask because he can't deal with the grievances his father has towards them now. But dad needs to know what his heart will follow; the time for forgiveness is too early and he wonders what does one do when one did something that was never supposed to happen.

"I'm sorry, dad. But I love him. I really do…"

Sorry.

George hears.

Sorry.

It's just a five letter word. Take them apart and they don't mean a thing.

Sorry.

It is irrelevant to a family that no longer exists.

Sorry.

He's not feeling it right now.

Sorry.

"I want you out of my house and you're not allowed to tell your mother anything." The words came out too cold, too calm.

"Dad…?" Kurogane repeated not understanding, tail spinning from the final call his dad just laid out to him.

"Don't…" George says and feels the progressive rage build up again, and feels like gutting himself as he quests for the right thing to say. He gives up within a few seconds when he realized he can't bring himself to look at Kurogane, or even to choke out another word. He feels his son turns to look at him, and he feels his hurt and confusion but he will not react to that violence possessing him. He's too afraid that if he strikes out, he won't be able to stop.

He hears Kurogane step away, footsteps unsure and frightfully hesitant. He hears the regrets that will be haunting him for the rest of his life, he feels the bitterness in the membranes of his skin and thinks about how life will continue at home and how does it feel for Kurogane on the inside. Mostly, he thinks about what kind of a person he is. Ineffectual, he surmises. That's the kind of person he is. He thinks about how relentlessly one's mistake chases after oneself, and it will be years after before he comes to the conclusion that he is the one who failed them all. He cannot forgive himself and won't let anyone say otherwise to him. And he would hate himself for it, because from the start he was only concerned for himself. How he felt about the involuntary love Fay has for his brother, the shame that would follow his family name, his reputation, what the church would say and the inability to deal and nip that sinful emotion from the start.

He is their father, they are both his sons…how is he ever to accept this? He is the father who had presented his sons with both hands to the devil for the sake of his own peace, and he knows amongst them, who had sin the most.

TBC


	5. Time Stamps II

Author's notes: A thank you piece written for readers following this story. Second set of time stamps (drabbles), and some of Fay's private thoughts, written in Fay's POV, and not in order with the timeline of 'It's Never Over' verse. Hope you guys like it.

Partly inspired by Placebo's Battle for The Sun.

**It's All I Can Give. It's All I Can Have. It's Everything in Between**

**~ :: ~**

"**It's only one step away from you, and already, there are miles between our hearts." **

– **Trial of Ash **

**~ :: ~ **

You have dreams that are so real that you think they might have become part of the memories you have, and when you fall you don't feel the wind rushing up to meet you, and you wake with your eyes wide open. Perhaps you aren't asleep yet and you see him walking away, further from you, with a smile that you thought was always yours. His hand is tangled up between a pair much more slender than his. The girl standing beside him soaks up his smile as if she already owns him. You have an image of the world burning away in vivid ambers and gold, as autumn leaves fall around you. And you know you don't want to see your brother's other future in your eyes. So you close them again. This time, you make yourself believe that you're still asleep.

It comforts you that you can be invisible in your dreams.

**~ :: ~ **

He's your shelter. He's there for you more often than dad and mom are. He provides you with nonjudgmental wisdom, which you translate from his monosyllabic grunts when he's not in the mood to talk. He speaks the truth only to you and you know it when you look into his eyes. He's always the one blamed for everything. He's always the one who gets the worst punishment, even when it's your fault. Everytime he gets the brunt of daddy's wrath, you're not sure if you feel more relived for being able to get away with it, or exasperated and guilty for the fact that you never seemed to get your fair share of the castigation. You guys were partner in crimes. Doesn't it make sense that if you share your bounty with each other, you were also supposed to share the sentence mated out by dad? He's never upset at you when it happens. He ruffles your hair, swings you easily into a one arm hug, laughs everything off, kisses you on your temple without thinking too much about it, and tells you that it's his duty as a brother to take care of you when you let him know what you're thinking about.

**~ :: ~**

Girls were supposed to be nice, gentle…basically sugar and spice and everything nice. That's why you have to be the gentlemen and treat them right. Mommy always says that to you. But you can't help throwing the teacup in your hand across the room and saying that girls are whiny and they invented cooties, when Lindsey started introducing you to her teddies seating around the both of you as her future husband to be. She stared at you in shock for a moment before she bursts into tears as you scowl at her stubbornly.

Mom interrupted her conversation with Lindsey's mother when she heard the commotion, came into the room frowning at what she saw. She tried to make you apologize later, after she reprimanded and explained what you did wrong. You offered a cookie from your bag instead, because, although you're not sorry, you do feel bad for making her cry. She really wasn't that bad in the first place.

Both of you turned out to be really great friends after that, and a few months later, she started pestering Jake to be her boyfriend. You were thinking that she's mightily fickle for a girl of only seven. She was the first person you came out to when you turned sixteen, when she just broke up with her latest boyfriend. She turned her back on you later, two years down the road, when she found out who exactly you were crushing on.

You never really trust a girl from then on.

**~ :: ~ **

You were thirteen when that indescribable feeling within you becomes tangible and grips at you, a disturbing knowledge. You are not sure in it's entirety but you definitely know that feeling is very, very wrong. You thought of talking to your mother about it, but you sense it's not a conversation that will be welcomed by her, or any one else for that matter. So you left it alone, let it turn ambiguous and squirmed in the discomfort of having to keep a secret. You deal with it, fearing it like how any thirteen year old would feel when traveling alone on a dark road, going nowhere. And the secrets kept piling up. It's not until you're fifteen that the door safeguarding them splinters and gives way. It's a sacred sexual awakening for you. It also left you with an inkling that he is what you can never have.

**~ :: ~**

Men in tights…and you're not thinking about those goons from the movie.

A man in tights, your brother specifically. Naughty thoughts you shouldn't be entertaining right now floats about in your mind. It's probably more appropriate to jab and sling mud at him right this moment, accuse him of looking dorky or frilly and make corny jokes about men in tutus. Lame ass comments that are innocuous and safe. But you stop breathing instead and feel your heart pound against your ribcage. You're suddenly aware that you're starting to act like the freak that you are when he turns around, and starts making funny poses in front of the mirror. You turn frantically behind, reaching out for the knob on the sound system to turn up the volume, desperately hoping that the music will provide enough distraction for you before you show signs of a physical reaction that will be severely embarrassing for the both of you. You burn when you feel his hand slide along your neck into a gentle grip with his thumb ghosting up and down along the back of it, his way of calling you to attention. It stricken you to know that no matter where you are and what you do with him, the need to run is always there.

You wish there was a start where you could run back to. To that time when he was still a brother to you, tucking you in beside your favorite Eeyore's plushie when you refused to fall asleep because you believe there's _something_ waiting to jump at you from outside the window. All you ever do now is run in those big wide arches, never ending circles, escaping far away till you turn another corner and he's there again, waiting to catch you and full of worries for his baby brother.

**~ :: ~ **

It's hard to breathe when you can't extricate yourself out of his life. You think of the sacrifices you will have to make and your parents all the time. It's impossible to sift through the choices, simply because there aren't any that will spare you the pain. You've watched him your whole life, and you're not sure if it's worth the pain to walk away from it all. Everytime you see him, there's a world of words you would like to say to him, they form in rapid fire speed, without premeditation in your mind but before you understand what exactly you're trying to say to him, they get stuck somewhere in between your vocal chords and died away seconds before they can come tumbling out of your lips. You end up with awkward pauses and cold cordial greetings instead. But you think it's alright this way. There's too much distance between both of you already.

**~ :: ~**

Your father cradles his hand in his another hand looking confuddled, and you look at him feeling pretty much the same way. The difference is, you know exactly what got him so worked up. It's just that he has never raised a hand at you before. Never, not once, even when you see the love he has for you suddenly fade away all those years ago. But you guess you might be pushing your luck a bit too much this time. Letting your parents catch you going down on another guy isn't exactly the best way to come out to your family.

You still feel the burning sting of dad's hand on your cheek but it's not until you hear the words that you started crying. Mom's standing between the both of you still trying to make sense of what she's seen and heard, while he stands behind dad ready to stop him from hitting you again. You can see the disappointment, betrayal and everything else in his eyes, and somehow that makes it hurt all the more. You feel more devastated by what you see in his eyes than the sadness in your mom's, than the anger in dad's. A whole winter would have passed as you and your family stands in the middle of the living room. It's everything unspoken that screams the loudest, and you can feel the shattering of your life and theirs starting in your head first.

In the end, he's the one who tells you to leave.

That's when the crackling starts in your head.

**~ :: ~**

You heave your backpack further up your shoulders and gaze at the montage of photos, framed and hung against the wall as you walk down the stairs. All sorts of memories plastered against that one long wall, years worth of family stories captured in frozen seconds, an illustrated compilation of the McCann family.

Your eyes lock on to various snapshots of him looking at you with curious eyes and you are all snuggled up in your cot wrapped in a baby blue blanket, another of both of you under a Christmas tree tearing away enthusiastically at gifts as he watches you with expectance in his eyes. You remember the gift in your hands, captured by mom's amateurish photography skill, was given by him. There is another photo of the whole family together, and your face is caught in mid-scrunch like you are about to cry, you can't remember anything about that photo, but the look on his face warms you up.

Your eyes roam over another photo, and another, and another. Every single one of them tells of the bond between you and him, a bond that no one will ever come close to forging with you. But right now, he could watch you walk away, right now, and not know how badly you are breaking up inside. You can't bring yourself to continue that thought. It will impede you. You tear your eyes away from the wall of memories, ran down the stairs and stop yourself from looking back. You need to get away, be alone and try to forget this feeling. As long as you're away from him, you can hope for a life. And you are not going to think about how terrifying it will be without the shelter he provides, without the small hideaway in the cover of his arms, to not think about the cold outside as your eyes focused on your lonely shadow that stretches on the floor in front of you.

**~ :: ~**

You let the music drown out the other thoughts in your head, ignoring the leering stare sliding up and down your body as the club owner watches you dance. You know he's not bothered about what are you performing. You know he will say yes even if you're only just swaying your hips to nothing. Your body's made for sin and it's a knowledge you use to your advantage.

It's slightly insulting that he's no longer focus on what you're doing, so you thought you might as well get straight to the point. You untangle your legs from the pole of steel you've been gyrating against for the last fifteen minutes, jump down the stage and saunter towards him. You see his thin lips curling into a sneer and your mind changes tone just seconds before you kneel down infront of him, wondering for that one moment if you could do this any other way. But you're running out of options, out of selling yourself on the streets to strangers, this is the closest thing that could get you a few quick bucks to pay for your rental for that sleazy excuse for an apartment. You don't hesitate as you unbuckle his pants, pull down his briefs and swallow him whole. The odor of his musk threatens to choke you, so you close your eyes and imagine that it's your brother's that you have in your mouth, that those grunts are not the man standing over you, but your brother moaning in pleasure instead.

It's a degrading act but it's liberating all the same time. You used to only dip yourself into this black pool with your fingers, fearing the consequences of loving someone who is family, but now that you're no longer home, you sink and luxuriate in this black sludge, out of your constraints and free to think of your brother as who he is, just a man whom you love.

**~ :: ~ **

You lift the blinds and feel the room heat up from the sun. It's late in the afternoon and you still have a few more hours before your shift starts. You are not sure what to do to pass the time, and your idle mind started wandering. You look at the apartment you're currently living in; it's an upgrade from the previous one, but no better. What you're having can't even be considered a lifestyle when you're scraping and scrimping pass just right about there every day, but it's something. It's been seven months, you're still breathing, flesh and blood.

The mobile lies beside your head on the pillow, you sigh softly as you turn away from it. You called home yesterday, drunk and steering out of control with the cocktail of pills you've consumed. You're silly like that, when you believe that knocking yourself out cold will make you stop thinking about what you have lost. It's the opposite instead. You feel lonelier than ever, weak and miserable. Your brother was the one who picked up the call, and you're not sure what you could have said to him in the state that you were in. But you remembered very clearly the intonation of his voice. You can tell he misses you as much as you missed him. You cling on to that feeling, that flood of warmth in his voice, taking comfort in the fact that he hasn't deserted you like you thought he had. But everything that concerns your brother is achingly bittersweet; every single act of affection and care lifts you up and brings you down at the same time.

You lasted three days before you make another call, to your brother's mobile instead of the home line. Your brother initiated the next call, and it continues with both of you calling each other back. You love the way he says hi in his raspy, deep voice when you call in the middle of the night, waking him for that short interlude, and you know he's more than glad that you call than irritated at you for waking him up, so you kept at it. You also started cutting off the recreational drugs, preferring to be sober when you speak to him. Each conversation resumes in uncomfortable pauses, halting words of concern, then the usual banter which both of you used to engage in. It took a few weeks, but normality is returning. For once, you allowed yourself to think that everything is going to be alright. That you can do this when he's not in your life everyday, when that distance is between the both of you.

That is until one morning when you find him beside you in your bed, and you're feeling the effects of one of the worst hangovers you've ever experienced.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Reader: Due to my pregnancy, I have put all my stories on hiatus. I have a lot of catching up to do on a couple of multi-chaptered fics I've left behind, but they will have to wait till early next year before I can start on any of them. I thank all readers for your patience and reviews, they are very dear to me. Here's a preview of the next chapter for this fic, untill then. Thanks again!

**It's Never Over**

**Part IV**

Dean sits in the hospital lounge, silently waiting, whiling the time away on empty thoughts. He resents the fact that he isn't immediate family or someone close enough to Fay so that he would be allowed to _be there_. Coldly ushered to the waiting room, he can only stare at the clock, shifting his sights occasionally to the blank walls and the door, waiting for _anybody _to pass by. Preferably, a person who could tell him what the bloody hell is going on right now! There was no way he could make a call to that bastard when he doesn't even know what number to call, and the nurses refuses to give out any of Fay's personal information to him, regardless of the fact that he was the one who had called the ambulance and accompanied Fay in. At the very least, he thought, he could nurse his anger. Rage is a wonderful emotion when fuel with the right concoction. Dean lets the heat of it rush through him and wash away the stupor of sleep. He can't do anything right now but to wait for someone to inform him that Fay has woke up.

Meanwhile, he keeps his eyes open for another person he has been waiting for throughout the night. And as if Fate wills it herself Dean spots the tall silhouette of the man he is waiting for walks right past the room, his hassled demeanor and unsettled look in his eyes meant that he must had seen Fay already. Dean stands and approached the door just as Kurogane steps past it, he watches him walk nearer and nearer to the elevator and grips the frame of the door till his knuckles turn white. He doesn't understand why Kurogane isn't staying beside Fay at this crucial moment. His anger does not allow him to analyze what might have happened, only allows him to think of the loneliness and pain that Fay had suffered to end up in here. Dean's steps are slow as he lets go of the door frame and moves toward Kurogane, watches his sagging frame and luxuriates in the aura of defeat radiating from the man. It's good to know that he isn't the only one feeling miserable. Dean stops walking only when he's just an arm length behind Kurogane, he's not going to move until they are alone. He's not going to let anyone stop him from mating out the justice he deems appropriate for such a motherfucker.

ooooooooo

Brevity.

White sounds, muted whispers, distant conversations and an unidentified brightness beyond his closed eyelids.

Fay wakes to a frozen second before everything snaps into place, and he feels the warmth of his blood rushing through his veins and the shallow breathes that makes his lungs ache. It takes time to realize that he doesn't want to be here, alive. There are shades of white that he thought he will end up in, immersing himself not in rumored paradise but in static surroundings, with memories that he cannot forget but washed white. White and empty. His hopes of gaining mortality crumbled away, a chipping off of gossamer dreams and they languished like silk left to rot in stale water. His soul swims in disappointment, soft sand in the bottom of the pond where the soles of his feet barely touches, a sinking swirl of scum rushing into his mouth as he struggles to breathe, or, not breathe. The smell of burnt bittersweet almonds paints the inside of his airways, his bloodstream still mingled with the warmth of his brother's blood. His first gasp came out raw, drawn out and raspy. The sound startles a nurse walking pass his door. She dashes in and jabs the red button by the head of the bed, the doctor is alerted immediately and when the oxygen mask is taken off his face, he lashes out with flailing arms, a pathetic attempt at keeping help away. He cries out his defiance against coming alive, in silence with his mouth open; who knew it would be so painful to even breathe?

Miyaki jolts awake upon the scurrying footsteps of the medical staff entering the room. She absorbs the confusion in snatches as her mind wakens fitfully within micro-seconds. Turquoise green and pale pink uniforms flashing past her eyes, words instead of sentences connected with her instincts, _regain consciousness, sedate…too agitated. _She sprung to her feet pulling at George's sleeve at the same time with a curt and loud, _he's awake, _and rushes into the room, heedless of the waif like nurse trying to impede her from interrupting their work. She pulls against the useless restrains of the nurse's hands, eyes focused on her baby being man-handled and strapped down, until she hears the voice of her husband behind her with a calming voice and a warm palm on her shoulder. Angry and grateful at the same time, that he has the strength to still keep his composure and emotions under check.

"Let them do their job." He says quietly and lets his hand slips down her upper arm to her elbow.

"But he's awake! Why are they making him sleep again?" she shrills unable to hold back her hysteria, letting flow the worries and tension that has been bottled up ever since she got the phone call, "tell them to stop! I want to talk to my baby!" she continues as she jerks at the hand cradling her elbow.

She has already lost her place in Fay's life, and she's not sure how much could still be lost. As it is, she could barely feel an echo of what is left of him, can't deny the urge to pretend that none of this is real, and can't push away the immense failure and guilt of a mother because she doesn't know what exactly is hurting him. She feels that it is her fault that he lays here now, emaciated and wasted. But she can't close her eyes to this. She hadn't realized that she had long ago blinded herself to Fay's existence once he left the family home, never tried hard enough to reach out to him, always thinking that the ugly episode will blow over one day and Fay will come home.

But he isn't. He's been busy running in the direction where Death's lair lay.

oooooooooo

Kurogane saw the fist coming and then, sharp jarring pain, before he saw the person who attacked him as the lift doors slide shut in the background. He clutched at the left side of his face, momentarily blinded by pain, feeling the burning throb acutely.

"What the fuck!" he blurted out as he raised his arm to fend off further attacks. It didn't stop the foot that kicked viciously into the side of his ribs though. That blow sent him crumpling to his knees but he managed to swipe his other arm up to the panel of buttons of buttons, hoping blindly that he had hit the 'open' button. Another kick brought him slamming against the wall of the lift before he pushed off in the other direction just in time to avoid another vicious kick.

"Feel the pain?" a low snarl of words as the man stepped up to him, grabbing him by the collar of his tee-shirt, "A pity I can never hurt you the way you hurt him!"


End file.
